Eastwood Academy

Chapter 17: Avoidant

 For the next couple of weeks, I do exactly as planned and avoid River. With the exception of committee meetings and history class, I don't see him at all. And some of those classes River doesn't even bother showing up to because he's eighteen and can sign himself out whenever he wants.

I always feel on edge during meetings. I speak with care, giving River and Beth no opportunity to mock me, and for the most part, they keep to themselves. I want to quit, but I know I can't. Too many strings were pulled to get me such a prestigious opportunity, and I'm not a quitter. I'm determined for the tournament and fundraiser gala after, to be a success.

I spend my free time with Gavin and Jessica. My favorite days are the Saturdays we spend on the lawn by the lake, enjoying the sunshine and playing frisbee. Sometimes, Jessica and Gavin's other friends join us.

Every once in a while, Marina and Tyler come over to hang out. One particularly eventful day, Tyler spends an afternoon attempting to tease Jessica into jumping into the lake in all her clothes. Somehow, he succeeds, and then we all end up in the lake, only to get yelled at by the security guards.

As we stumble back, dripping wet and laughing, onto the shore, I see River watching us from a distance. To my surprise, he's alone. No signature girl on his arm. His green eyes bore into mine, and despite the chill of the water, I feel heat creeping up my body in places I had never been aware of before. I tear my eyes away, but not before I see Jessica has noticed us. This is the last interaction we have for a long time.

The day after the fight, his eyes immediately found me when I walked into class, but he said nothing. I moved past him in silence and took my seat. That first class with him was painful to sit through. He made no move to approach or interact with me.

As we fall (uneasily on my part) into a nonverbal pact not to acknowledge each other's existence, the days flow by, falling into weeks and then a month. Gavin being around helps. Our easy conversations are a great distraction. But I would be lying if I said that I am not painfully aware of our physical proximity whenever I sit next to River in class. Even with my back turned to him a painful kind of electricity seems to hum between us. I can't help but wonder if he feels it, too.

Out of sight, out of mind was wishful thinking. River still consumes my thoughts a lot of the time. Sometimes, I think about him and wonder about trivial things, like what he ate today or what music he listened to? Other times, I wonder who he's having sex with, and jealousy flares in my chest before I remember that I have no claim on him and I shouldn't care. It's not my problem and not my business.

The next few weeks pass uneventfully. During history class and committee meetings, River seems happy to ignore me, and I pretend not to notice that he exists. I thought that ignoring him would get easier, but it hasn't. Committee meetings are easier than class, where we sit almost shoulder to shoulder. I like the invisible current of electricity running between us. Or from him to me anyway.

My relationship with Gavin is flourishing. Maybe a little too much. We are always early for class and talk until it's time for the teacher to start his lecture. I always pretend to be too absorbed in our conversations to notice when River enters, but every time he walks through the door, every part of my body is instantly aware of his presence.

One day, the second week after the fight, I had lunch with Carly and Jessica. We're sitting outside, enjoying a beautiful sunny day, when Carly turns to me and asks what the deal is with Gavin.

From the outside, I'm sure it looks like we're dating. I spend more time with him than anyone besides Jessica. I do think he's cute. Once or twice, I thought that maybe I felt a spark for him, but I've never felt anything close to what I feel in River's presence for Gavin.

Even though neither of us have ever spoken about it, I thought we were on the same page about our friendship. But sometimes, I catch him looking at me in a way that makes me think he wants to be more than just friends. I told myself it was nothing and mostly forgot about it. But thanks to Carly's question, now it's a subject I'm forced to confront again.

"We're just friends," I tell her, eager to change the subject. I can tell she doesn't really believe me, but this is a subject I'd rather discuss with Jessica alone. I don't want to gossip about Gavin. Jessica seems to pick up on this because she quickly changes the subject to homecoming. Even though soccer is the biggest sport at Eastwood, people still get pretty psyched about our football games, and this one is an especially big deal because of the dance after.

I don't have a lot of experience with school dances. I've only been to a couple of them. The first one was homecoming, my first year of high school. My mom was still well enough to take me out dress shopping. I think she was more excited than I was about it.

We got manicures and pedicures, and she took me out for an expensive updo. My dad then joined us for lunch afterward. It's a treasured memory for me, one of the last times my family was truly healthy and whole.

I didn't have a date. I went with the other girls on the Softball team. I went to homecoming the following year mostly to make my parents feel better. My mom was in the hospital for a particularly brutal round of chemo. My dad was supposed to take me dress shopping, but I ended up going alone because he couldn't leave my mother.

I spent the whole night worrying about her until Justin from my French class asked me to dance when a slow song came on and then kissed me in the middle of it. He sat one row in front of me, and I'd had a crush on him since the first week of school. For a few blissful minutes I forgot that I was about to lose one of the most important people in my life, and I just got to be a normal teenager.

We went on a couple dates after, but it became painfully clear to me that he didn't have the slightest clue what I was going through, and the whole thing awkwardly fizzled out. By the time Winter Formal came around, my mother had passed, and I wasn't even going to school. It's been so long since I thought about school dances or dating with any excitement. The feeling is foreign and exhilarating.

Justin was the only boy I've been out with, so the idea of getting a date brings butterflies brought on a wave of butterflies. If I thought Gavin only wanted to be friends, I'd probably ask him to go with me and forget about trying to find a date. But that's not an option. And I'm not even sure I want to go.

"Do you guys have dates to the dance?" I ask Carly and Jessica.

"Yeah, I'm going with Johnny," Carly says.

"Oooh, the cute guitar player from your English class?" Jessica asks.

"Yeah, he finally asked me out. You should have seen him when he asked, he was like, so relieved that I said yes. I've only been dropping hints since we had a math class in sophomore year," Carly says, laughing.

"Why are boys so dumb sometimes," Jessica asks, and then we all burst out laughing.

"Any dumb boys you wanna ask Jessica? There's got to be someone who you like," Carly asks, raising her eyebrows suggestively.

"Maybe we could go together and make it a girl's night?" I suggest quickly to spare Jessica the embarrassment of having to answer that question.

"I'd love that; no worrying about getting dates. We'll just dance and have fun," Jessica says, and I smile at her enthusiastically, relieved that I won't have to choose to ditch or find a date.

"Exactly," I say, feeling like a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.