Eastwood Academy

Chapter 33: Confessions

The first thing I become aware of when I wake up is that I'm ridiculously warm. And something very heavy is weighing the bottom half of me down. The top half of my body is lying on something that feels more like a person than a bed. For a minute I lay still as my brain attempts to piece together memories of the last. And then I realize I'm in bed with River. On top of him. Oh my god. My eyes fly open and up. The first thing I see is River's impressive jawline. The upper part of my entire body is lying across his torso, my head on his chest. The bottom half of me feels like it's weighed down because our legs are intertwined. One of mine is under his. His arms are wrapped around me, securing us together. Half of my body is under his, and the other half is draped across him.

How the hell did we end up in this position?! I have the distinct memory of falling asleep looking at his back. We must have moved during the night.

For a few seconds, I lie still. All I want to do is curl around River and stay like this forever. Being pressed against him feels so good I start to feel a desire pool in my stomach and spread out hot and needy through my body. But then I remember the events of the last two days and the way he danced with Beth last night. The memories are like a bucket of ice water being thrown over me. My blood goes cold. No matter how much my body wants to stay wrapped around River, my mind is screaming at me that I've put myself into a terrible position.

Other images from last night come back to me: Gavin getting off his motorcycle and walking towards me, flirting with him, us dancing in the club and kissing, and finally, the look in Gavin's eyes when I left with River. Crap, crap, holy fucking crap, how did everything turn into such a blazing mess?

I try to sit up, but River's weight is too much to lift off of me. Realizing that tactic won't work, I move sideways, trying to scoot from under him. At my movements, River's brow furrows in his sleep, and he comes with me, snuggling closer. I sign in exasperation, looking at the ceiling. He sure isn't making this easy. I try to go sideways again and still don't make any progress.

Finally, I give River a shake, poking him hard in the cheek for good measure.

"River," I say. "River, please get off. I need to go." He stirs at my words but still isn't moving. "River," I say again louder. "For the love of God, move!" As I talk, I keep poking him, pushing at his shoulders.

Finally, he wakes up, blinking in confusion before his eyes find mine. When he sees me, he freezes. Then he launches himself off of me, rolling all the way to the other side of the bed like he can't get away from me fast enough. A stab of something close to humiliation burns its way through me and then turns to sadness as I realize that I've just spent the night in bed with River. Nothing happened, but it's still the first time I've spent the night with a boy. One of my firsts is gone, and it meant nothing.

I sit up and look at him, watching him try to make sense of why I'm here. Last night, I was so tired and desperate for sleep that it never occurred to me that he might not remember what happened, but now that I think about it, he had so much to drink that he very well might not recall the events of last night. Which would mean that he has no idea why he's just woken up in the same bed as me. Horror washes through me as I realize that in his drunken stupor, he probably confused me with Beth, and that's why he pulled me against him.

I watch River as he takes in what I'm wearing, looks across the room at my dress lying in a heap on the floor, and swallows hard. I try to find my voice to explain what happened, but I feel like there's no air in the room.

"We_" he starts, then pauses, takes a breath, and begins again. "Did we_?" I cut him off before he can finish that question.

"No, we didn't," I tell him before he can say how much he would regret ever hooking up with me.