Vent Book

Yesterday

Yesterday, I tried starving myself. I tried to stay dehydrated for the whole day. We had a field trip that day so it wasn't that hard. We went to a Global X thing where we talked about our pen pals in Hawaii. I didn't eat breakfast that day. On the ride there, I slept. No one noticed I was asleep until we got there. They tried to wake me up. I wasn't actually sleeping, I was just thinking under my blanket. So, I could hear everything they said.

 When we got there, I just listened to a Killua playlist. Most of the songs were sad, so it fit the mood. No one asked why I wasn't eating. When it came to lunch, I failed myself. I ate. I had two pieces of pizza. I feel ashamed. But, I still didn't drink anything. 

At the end, I didn't even have to go to the bathroom. But, I went into the stall so it looked like I did. 

When I got back on the bus, I tried to "sleep" again. But everything was too loud. So, I just sat next to the popular kids. They didn't bully me or anything, but I could tell they didn't want me there. They still talked to me though. 

That day, we had track practice, unfortunately. I still told myself I couldn't drink any water. It was pretty hot out during practice, so I wore my big, black, baggy hoodie. I ran a whole mile, without stopping, in that hoodie. One person asked me "Why are you wearing that? You know you could pass out or even die from overheating, right?" I looked at them with a big smile and said "I know, that's the point!" 

After the mile, my legs burned, my lungs hurt and I could barely walk. I didn't take the sweater off though. I still refused myself water. My plan was to pretend to pass out in the bathroom and have someone find me. But, my sister was in there when I walked in. I tried to think of any other way I could pass out, but nothing felt right. So, I ran some more. That didn't work either. 

My friend found out what I was trying to do and forced me to drink water. I had failed myself again. After practice, I was dropped off at home. 

I had to take a shower after dinner. I barely ate any of my food. No one was concerned. When I got in the shower and washed my hair, I layed on the floor shower floor. I let the hot water numb my body. I curled up in a ball and sang myself sad songs. That night, I cried more than I ever have in the shower. The song that triggered it was I Wanna Be Your Girlfriend by Girl In Red. 

Today, I plan on doing the same thing. Wish me luck.