I am not a sinner. | Fyolai

Chapter twelve.

A deep, uncontrollable grief run over Fyodor as he saw Nikolai leaving with the guards. Later today there will be nothing left of him than ash. Yes, the King have decided that someone who did such thing as the jester is not deserving a grave. Those words were like an arrow shot through Fyodor's heart.

But Nikolai is not sad anymore. The old clown everyone knew before seem to be back with the wide smile on his face. Some would call him the madman for having such happy expression knowing you'll die the very same day. However, Fyodor admired that. Nikolai weren't scared of what will be after, he is scared of what would be if he stayed.

As Fyodor sit down he feel as if the church is staring at him, every wall is furious from such sin he commited.

. . .

He did not want to go. No that Fyodor would love to attend any execution at all, but he at least made himself feel better by blessing the body of believers. Nikolai is not one of those, no matter how many times his body will be blessed it's not clear where he will end up after he's gone and that makes Fyodor feel terribly empty. Mainly because there is a big chance they won't meet again after his days are counted.

Fyodor made sure to be one of the first people there. He watched as they're sharpening the guillotine and knew it's never sharp enough to not hurt, so when the executioner walked away for a moment he came closer and made sure the blade will cut as a sword. When people gathered be watched his finger bleed and didn't stop it.

Just as he didn't stop when they walked Nikolai up the stairs and let him stand here for a moment as people began to shout things at him. He never stopped to smile and Fyodor more than ever hoped the jester actually lost his mind, but deep down he knew Nikolai is one of the most sane people here.

When Nikolai kneeled down their eyes met and none of the two men looked away, not even for a minute. There were something intimate about knowing that the last thing Nikolai see will be Fyodor, something personal that no one else gained.

I am free - The jester finally got to whisper before he vanished and his head slid down.

Everyone gasped in surprise. This were the first time the blade were sharp enough and no more cuts were needed. Fyodor had to smile, he got to do something for Nikolai too. But he also knew this is the last time he's ever satisfied. Deep down something broke, something that cannot be fixed and never will be.