I am not a sinner. | Fyolai

Chapter four.

Fyodor has never wished for anything more than being back in his church right now. Nothing sound better than lighting candles and God being the only one he need to talk with. But as the world got dark, he knows there is a place he must be, which unfortunately is Nikolai's room.

His steps are quiet, they always were. When he were younger they used to call him a ghost from time to time. It's not like he would like to walk up to people and scare them to death. He just always felt safer knowing he's seeing the soul of another person first before they put on a mask to talk to him. And he is the most curious about who Nikolai is without his jester mask.

Nikolai is sitting in the middle of his bed. His knees are pulled to his chest and his head is turned to left a little. From where Fyodor is standing he cannot see much of his expression but it's clear the fool is not smiling. Which is almost shocking. While trying to find a memory where Nikolai is not smiling Fyodor must flown. There is none. The man almost seems troubled, tortured in his mind even. That is not the cheerful jester everyone knows. Maybe there is much more to him than Fyodor ever allowed himself to see. And maybe it's also truth people get worse at masking who they are when the night come.

As Fyodor's step can be heard, Nikolai immediately changes back to who he is knows as. He jumps off the bed and smile widely. Just now the priest can notice how fake it seem.

"My dear friend! I almost became afraid you left me!" the grin on his face widens, just a little more and the corners of his mouth will hurt quite a lot.

"It is late, Nikolai" Fyodor doesn't return his energy. He cannot.

Laying on one side of the bed, the closest to edge he can a sigh escape Fyodor's lips. This will be a long night, that is promised. Nikolai gets onto the other side, thinking for a moment before pushing his head onto the pillow. For a moment the priest want to turn his body around, but he cannot, it's impossible. There is something captivating about Nikolai's eyes in the darkness, they almost shine.

"Have you even gotten sad with only the God by your side?" Nikolai broke the silence. That question sound uncanny. Such deep words with such light, joyful expression.

"No. God is the only one I need on my side."

"But don't you need someone to be with you physically? To maybe hug you when you're sad? Kiss you when you need to feel warm?"

Fyodor look away from him. Where did Nikolai take all those questions from? No, it would be better to ask for how long he waited to ask those?

"Us priests don't need a wife. Sure, some do have one, but I will not be one of them." Also because I dream of a man. He thinks and feel disgusted of himself.

Now the jester look away. For a moment it seem like he will loose his mask, but it's glued on very well, at least around other people. Silence fall for few seconds before another words from Nikolai's mouth are spoken.

"The King once told me I could entertain you too. He said you need it! Do you?"

Yes, absolutely yes. Fyodor think. He cannot remember the last time he let himself laugh like he sometimes used to as a child. He wish to just let go, to be able to be entertained as all the people that laugh at Nikolai. But he cannot. That would mean he's betraying God and that is the worst sin out there.

"No. I do not need your foolish jokes, Nikolai."

Fyodor's heart ache as the smile on other man's face drop. It's gone. And for the first time in front of Fyodor, Nikolai is bare as a newborn child. He is exposed and showing himself just as God created him. Not as all fun and jokes, but a human being.

The priest cannot handle this. He quickly get up and practically run out of the room, leaving Nikolai behind. He does not look back, not even once. His steps find their way to the garden once again.

Full moon is showing off all the beautiful things that weren't visible at day light. But Fyodor is troubled. His heart is bleeding and he wants to rip it out as a gift to God, hoping that would get him to be forgiven for all those thoughts that are running in his head.

As he lay down in the grass and presses his cross into his palm, his eyes close and he is able to fall into a sleep. Scary and deep one. He hopes that maybe he won't wake up the next day.