A Change of Heart

Chapter 32

I can't get Joanna's confession out of my head. The poor woman only acts like a tyrant because her parents are tyrants. I also feel a wave of guilt. I don't really love her, yet I told her I do. I could see the happiness in her eyes. She thought I was the only person that actually wanted her. I wish I could do something, but she probably doesn't even remember last night.

I have such a headache. Working and dealing with the thoughts in my mind when I've had no sleep doesn't do you much good. I ask a guard for coffee. I pour in two espresso packets. I need to wake up.

My eyes hurt so much. I just want to shut them tight and lay my head down. It's only 9:30 and I'm already dying. I don't think I'll make it through the day. I've contemplated taping my eyes to keep them open, but I still need to blink.

10:00, the most agonising 30 minutes of my life. I don't want to get in trouble, but 1 hour of sleep is far from enough for me. I'm tapping my foot, hoping the movement will keep me awake. The screen is burning my eyes, the words feel blurry.

Stay awake, stay awake, stay awake, stay awake. I look up to the ceiling, feeling the brightness of the lights.

Father, I'd pray to You right now with my eyes closed, but I would be interrupted by a guard banging my head on the desk. That and I'll probably fall asleep. Thank You for allowing me to see Joanna's heart. I pray that You will give me energy to go through the day, so that I don't have to face her wrath. Amen

I think God wants me to talk to Joanna. I can't stay awake for much longer. My head drops onto my keyboard. Bang! Woken up instantly. The guards send me to Joanna's office.

All that fear I used to have every time I went through her doors has come back to me. Joanna's face is stone cold. You could mistake her for a warlord. She stares straight at me; it looks like she's contemplating whether she should execute me.

We sit there, in utter silence. The tension is what's keeping me awake right now. Is she going to say something?

"What happened?" Joanna asks. Her voice is cold, as if I murdered someone she cares about.

"I was caught sleeping-" I begin to explain.

"Last night," she says. I shouldn't be surprised that she's asking me that, but the anger radiating off her frightens me. Am I going to get in trouble? What if she gets mad that I let her open up to me?

"Well, you drank a lot... and we did karaoke," I mutter.

"Anything else?" she asks. I want to say no, but it'll be obvious that I'm lying.

"I drove you back to your place," her piercing gaze urges me to continue.

"You... asked me to go inside with you. You were persistent, so I went with you."

"Howard," she says.

"You wanted me too..." I dread continuing the sentence, but I know I have to.

"You wanted me to have... sex with you," I blurt. Joanna's expression doesn't change.

"And did we?" she asks. I feel like a teenage boy in puberty class. It's so awkward.

"No, we didn't. I... refused. It goes against my morals. When I said so, you cried," I explain. Joanna's face becomes even colder, I think she remembers when she cried at the bar. And that I saw her cry. I don't know if I should say anything else.

"You're excused," Joanna says. I leave the room as fast as I can. Once I'm out of her office, I feel like I can breathe again.

Maybe nothing has actually changed. I thought that our growing relationship meant I'm not scared of her anymore, but this proves I still am.

I go back to my cubicle. There's a package there. This day just keeps getting better and better.

After work, I get into my car and drive to his house. I stop at a coffee shop for some energy. An exhausted person on the road isn't much better than a drunk person on the road. I get my coffee and rush out of the shop.

Please don't be late! Please don't be late! I finally get to Mr. Callaway's house. He's not standing on his porch, so I'm pretty sure I'm on time. I get out of the car and deliver the package.

I walk back into my car and lie on the chair. I just want to close my eyes and sleep right here. I stop myself. Do I really want to fall asleep in my car in front of this guy's house? I put on my seatbelt and start the car.

Once I get home, I hop on to my bed. I'm too tired to even take off my shoes, let alone change. I say a quick prayer and go straight to sleep.