forbidden~anakin skywalker

༻eight༺

as anakins footsteps fade, i go to the door, opening it just in time to see his small ponytail at the back of his head round the corner.
   what the fuck have i done?
   the love of my life is just leaving. leaving me.
   giving up.
after an hour of bawling my eyes out, staining my pillow with tears, i change back into my robes and throw my hair back in its usual messy ponytail with my padawan braid left out hanging by my ear.
i check myself in the mirror to make sure it's not obvious that i've been crying before i go outside to find ani.
i find him in the field-the field we sat in.
rolling around in the grass-just like we did.
but now he's doing all this with padmé.
   my anakin. now with padmé.
   i mean it makes sense. she's a beautiful senator, formerly queen. and i'm just some young little naïve padawan. she's more than me. of course he wants more. men always want more. they could have the entire universe but if it's a man he will always want more.
   he spots me from the distance and gives me a sympathetic smile. he doesn't mean it though. i may not have mastered obi-wan's jedi mind tricks yet but i know him well enough that he doesn't mean it and he's already moved on in the past 5 minutes.
   oh my stars! i'm so stupid!
   why did i push him away? i mean i know why-it's against jedi code and i don't want to be forced out of the order i want to someday be on the council and follow in obi-wan's footsteps.
   but i love anakin and i've just pushed away the love of my life.
   i walk back to the house. i can't watch them anymore. it's breaking my heart.
   i sit on the balcony, staring out at the sunset when they return.
   padmé catches my attention "imani." my head whips in her direction. "care to join us for dinner?"
i shake my head slowly "i'm okay. i'm not really hungry. i'll eat later."
i walk past them on my way inside. i stop when i see anakin using the force to charm padmé by floating some of her food over to his own plate, cutting it, and returning the smaller piece to her.
as i keep walking, i mutter under my breath "rude."
"what was that?" anakin asks, knowing i had said something.
i whip back round "i said you're rude. you steal a girls food, cut it not even in half, then give her the smaller piece. all while you have the exact same of your own. if you wanted some there's one on the plate next to you."
he jumps at me snapping at him. i've never done that before. and over something as small as him sharing food with padmè. i get if it were me but it's not. it's padmè.
it's padmè.
i remove myself from the situation all while he calls my name. but as i move away his voice doesn't get any further. he's following me down the hall.
his voice is getting closer. he's chasing me down the hall.
   i feel his big, muscular hand grab my wrists, even wrapping around itself with the size of his hand in comparison to the size of my wrist. "what is wrong with you recently?"
   i sigh "i don't know. i'm sorry. i'll just go."
   i try to pull my arm out of his grip but he just tightens around my wrist "not until you talk to me." there's a pause and a pleading look in his eyes "we're still friends aren't we?"
   i pause before shaking my head "no. we're two padawan training under the same master. you're not a friend. you never were a friend. now please let me go."
   there's a look of hurt in his eyes "friend, love. it's the same thing. i still care about you no matter how far you push me. it won't change the fact that i love you."
   "so you look for what i can't give you in padmè? i'm not blind anakin. you love her just as much as you loved me. maybe even more." his grip loosens and i manage to pull my wrist back to me. "tell me, if i hadn't done what i did and follow the code...would you have been faithful? or what you have gone to her no matter what?"
   "no!" he holds my face in his hands but i push him away "listen to me imani. you are the one i love. every time i look at her i see your face. padmè is merely a replacement for the love i cannot have. i want you but you won't let me have you so i look for what i had with you in her."
   i sigh i'm attempt to hold back a scream "do whatever you want anakin. i'm not here to judge. if you still want to disrespect the jedi then be my guest. but i did what i did for both of us and if you truly still love me you wouldn't be with her because then it makes what i did pointless."
   "you want to be on the council someday. you did it to benefit yourself."
   my jaw drops "i was ready to run away anakin! return to tatooine far from society and start a life with you but you want to be a jedi so i did it for you! don't turn this to me being selfish!"
   i leave him stood there, staring at me as i leave.