Star Wars One-Shots

Vader's Depression

It had been six months since Vader fought Luke on Bespin, and yet the sight of Luke falling off the balcony haunted him more than ever now. The scene had replayed itself in his head many times since. Much more than he liked to admit.

He wished he could forget about that day. He wanted to forget about it, but he couldn't. His conscience wouldn't let him-

His conscience.

Since when did he have a conscience? He didn't know exactly when it had returned. Nor how long he had been without it. However, the fact that the feeling was so alien to him suggested that he had been a stranger to his conscience for many years now, and it was only after Bespin that it began to nag him again. Seeing Luke had made it come out of its dormancy, and threatened to bring Anakin Skywalker back to the forefront. Vader hoped that this would never happen. He had done everything he could to rid himself of that persona, and now would not be a good time to let it resurface.*

Some small part of Vader felt happy that he even had a conscience. Obi-Wan had thought he didn't. You're more machine than man, Obi-Wan's thoughts had said, cold and cruel and unforgiving. But machines didn't have a conscience, right?

Vader found much satisfaction in contradicting Obi-Wan. That man had caused him permanent injuries which left him dependent on a painful life support suit. To add insult to injury, he had also kept the existence of his son from him for many years, depriving Luke of the childhood that he deserved. It felt good, almost therapeutic, to go against what Obi-Wan had said.

Still, a part of Vader didn't totally hate Obi-Wan. It was the reason why he had never given it his all when fighting him. He didn't know why, but he had never been able to exploit his huge power advantage against Kenobi. Was this some kind of pity he had for Kenobi? Could it even be some kind of deep-seated love that he was unable to erase? Either way, at least it proved Obi-Wan wrong - if nothing else.*

But the bigger part of Vader didn't feel happy at all at his newfound moral compass.

He felt ashamed.

He was Palpatine's slave - no, apprentice - and he was not supposed to have a sense of morality. The only things he was supposed to have were hate, anger and pain. Those three negative emotions - all interlinked like some kind of twisted Chain Of Doom - kept him going. Through pain he gained strength. His strength fueled his anger, and the angrier he was, the more he hated. According to Palpatine, all he needed were these three emotions. Nothing else.

The thing was, morality had made its way into his head.

Plus, he couldn't get rid of it. For whatever reason, it was stubborn, and it would not leave.

Morality was telling him to reach out to Luke. To take him in. Leave Palpatine, vanish somewhere quiet and live a peaceful life with his son. Be the parent that he was supposed to be. Luke needed a father, and it was his duty to be that father. After all, it was what Padme would have wanted.

Sadly, he couldn't do that. He felt ashamed of himself for even considering it. He knew that he had to serve under Palpatine. He couldn't possibly leave. He couldn't be a father. Palpatine would not allow it. Palpatine wanted to replace Vader with Luke someday. Palpatine was aware of how powerful Luke could become and he would do everything to exploit that power. Luke had the potential to become much stronger than Vader, especially since he wasn't in a living hell that was a life support suit. Vader was loath to let that happen. He couldn't possibly let Palpatine use Luke the way like he had been used. He would break the limitations of his suit in order to prevent Palpatine from using his son if need be.

Why did the idea of allowing Palpatine to prey upon Luke unsettle him this much? Why wouldn't he let Palpatine manipulate Luke to join them?*

He didn't want to admit the answer, but he knew it to be true.