To Who I Am

on the brink

My body can't support the weight of all their contempt
For who I am becoming might not match who I want to be.
If only I would learn to be a little more serious
stop cracking jokes, their glares tell me.
Why don't they understand that without my only coping mechanism,
I too fall into the hands of a mighty beast.
An indisputable rival who waits at the coastline of my sanity brink.
One look over and you can see the other side exuding happiness
but the last side looking as lonely
as the predator who feeds himself each growing night.
I cannot traverse
when my mind has only just awaken to the downward-spiraling channel of insanity.
They say this beast walks day and night
along the shore with no foreseeable beginning or end.
Maybe the border is just too far to physically cross.
Mentally, I will figure my way around it.
The inner workings of my own beast must surely be easy to master.
I am losing ground in this mind-set of mine.
A playground with swings that have lost their own sway,
a slide that no longer dips in it's orderly fashion,
sloping a path with both a definite start and finish.
You put your feet out and know exactly the direction you will follow.
I, however,
haven't acquired such luck.
Put in a family that cannot figure out what to show love with their hands,
how to support me,
forgetting that nuture might be more than nature.
The nature of having kids, that is.
I have empathy, you see.
It may not be written clear as the circle disk of a sun in the sky
but it's right here beneath my eyes.
Why can't you look further and see that?
I'm wasting time, sitting with you.
There's places I have to be...
oh and the people I have to charm!
But don't those places have people?
Do people have places?
Have you not found which match works for you?
I run and skid on a playground held sturdy with plastic bars of a quivering hope,
wood chips of stepped-on dismay,
and slides that only show a way down but not up.
Here on this playground I am surrounded by all of what make's earth stay the same,
and at my place,
you are not there to call my name.

-s.l
A little strange, not sure what to think 😬