In This Life (Ivar Lothbrok)

Chapter 4: Lost Souls

As you navigate through the partygoers, sweaty bodies bump into you here and there. You've lost sight of Ivar, but you're sure he's somewhere not so far from you. After all, it didn't take you long to follow after him. Why did you follow after him? Why are you still doing so? Those are things you cannot explain. It's not as if kissing Sigurd was wrong behavior, and yet you need to find Ivar, maybe to scream at him, or maybe for something more meaningful. As you continue your path, there are fewer and fewer people until you find yourself near the entrance of the house and then the outside.

The air is cold and somewhat humid, it might rain soon and you should head home. Leaning on a wall further away, you see him. Ivar is smoking a cigarette, looking at the doorway, probably expecting you to come outside. Your eyes meet instantly, and you flush at his attention, you thought you'd had to chase for him more.

"Is there anything I can do for you?" Ivar asks mockingly as soon as you approach. The stench of tobacco hits you when he exhales on your face.

You don't let his rudeness deter you. "What's your problem, huh?" He merely raises a brow. "Don't play dumb, we barely know each other, and you've been extremely mean in all our encounters."

Ivar smirks. "I didn't know I was expected to be charming."

You've never wanted to hit someone before. He infuriates you. Ivar clearly knows what you're talking about, but he won't admit it. "You're expected to be civilized."

The guy couldn't care less. "Did you follow me out here just to yell at me, or is there something important you want to say?" His confident grin doesn't drop.

The man has a point, why did you run all the way here? You left Sigurd and chased after him, for what? Seeing him outside your dreams, in flesh and blood, only makes things more complicated for your poor heart. You planned to ignore him entirely. Now it's too late for that. The least you can do is get the answers you desire so much. So, with unknown confidence, you take two, three, hurried steps his way. He doesn't move from his spot, maybe because he doesn't expect you to try anything. Soon enough, you're right in front of him and grab him by the collar of his shirt roughly. Your lips crash with his shortly after.

He doesn't reciprocate at first, probably too shocked by your boldness. It's like kissing a statue, stiff and unmoving. Kissing Ivar Lothbrok turns out to be dull and meaningless. Then you remember the chats you've had about consent, and that's when you start to feel guilty. You just jumped at him! What if he accuses you of harassment? Yet that doesn't happen either because right when you're about to pull away and apologize to him, it happens. Ivar kisses you back.

Then it all becomes messy and hazy. There is no other way to describe the passion in which he claims your mouth as an extension of his own. His arms instantly pull you closer to his chest. Your heart, beating in your ears like a drum, lacks importance to your crumbling resolution. It's the way he holds you, or maybe the soft caress of his tongue inside your mouth, that triggers the evitable. The visions appear softly, first, like calming waves in the ocean. You're unsure of what's going on until it's too late.

This time, you're standing in the middle of what appears to be a throne room, dozens of subjects covet your attention from one side and the other. They all want a piece of you, and you love it. Nevertheless, the only one who you belong to stands by your side with a smile on his face. Your husband is marvelous, with that charming, yet deadly smile of his. His sharp, witty tongue has worked wonders to earn his position as king of the land and, of course, as your beloved. Ivar from the past is non too different from the one you know, both merciless men, and both incredibly attracted to you. Ivar from the past uses crutches to maintain his footing next to you. He is no less magnificent for it. The way heat pools in your lower belly don't disregard him as any less of a man. Ivar from the past looks at you with a loving smile, and you are meant for him, as it has always meant to be. Past, present, and future.

It all comes back to you in the span of a second, a past life, a better life, but also a cruel life with a tragic ending. A tear runs down your cheek, and in the next second, you forget all about it once more. As if waking up from a hazy dream, you step away from Ivar with a heavy heart. The kiss lingers in your mouth, yet not the memories in your mind. It's all gone, just like your past self, meant to never exist again but cursed to remain within your soul.

"That..." Ivar begins to speak, but he doesn't continue. The man stares at you, confused, trying and failing to grasp another consciousness. You both know that something more happened, something beyond a simple kiss.

The daydream of the past gets swept away and panic settles in your bones. What have you done? And why do you feel this way? It isn't normal! You don't even know him. This is too fast, too soon. With your head working full speed on worrying matters, you turn and walk away from him. Ivar doesn't follow.

...

From then on, you and Ivar start to avoid each other like the plague, all because of these confusing feelings you have. It doesn't make any sense to you what you would feel like this for someone you just met. It's as if you've known each other for decades. Your heart balances between going crazy and peacefulness. Not even with your most loving boyfriend was like this. What is happening to you?

So, weeks pass by, and you stay away from him the most you can. It's rather easy because you only share one class and while he sits in the back, you remain up front. Furthermore, the repercussions of your kiss not only affect you but also him, he doesn't attempt to get near you or talk to you. You truly don't know, and don't care, what's going on in his head to behave like that. It's for the better. The last thing you need is to talk to him with your head on those dreams you've had. The dreams. They are back and stronger than ever. You rarely remember what they are about, but they occur daily. Sometimes you wake up crying, and others the bed is wet from your arousal. It's like a rollercoaster you never remember riding.

To your good luck -although not your friend's- Thora caught Hvitserk doing drugs at the same party where you and Ivar kissed. Because her mind is elsewhere, she has failed to notice the lingering glances you send Ivar's way. According to your friend, Hvitserk had a drug problem before they started dating, he promised he would quit when they got together, and now he's back on it. Hvitserk's situation has also allowed you to focus on other matters rather than his handsome brother. Not that you don't want the older Lothbrok to get better, of course.

When you have free time, you try to fill it with other things instead of letting your mind wander. Thus, you find yourself more often than not going to the notice board by the campus cafeteria. There are a lot of interesting activities displayed there from time to time. Anything to quell your uneasiness. That's how you come across one of the most recent extracurriculars; a master class on reincarnation. The healthier thing would be not to go, you don't need to go down that rabbit hole again. Curiosity gets the best of you and you attend.

The place isn't nearly full, but by the time you arrive, it has already started. You sit quietly at the back and listen to what the lecturer has to say. To your utter disappointment, they speak the basics, more of the same things you already researched before. It would have been fascinating had you not already known everything they share. Still, you remain seated in case there's something new to add. It's not a complete waste of time when the Q&A begins. A voice, by the middle of the classroom, inquires on something of your interest.

"Are souls bonded to reincarnate together?" your heart speeds up when you recognize who it is.

The teacher answers. "Usually that's not the case, but some like to theorize that if the souls have unfinished business with each other, it might happen." They make a pause and then, with a laugh, add, "others think soulmates reborn together, but that's rather idyllic."

The professor continues with his chat, but you don't pay attention anymore. Half of your mind is focused on the possibility of your reincarnation, and the other half on the other presence in the room. Ivar Lothbrok is also in the lecture, is this a cosmic joke? Or is it the proof that you need of things being more complicated than they seem?

When the class is finally over, you exit the classroom as quickly as you can. The man is waiting for you with a thoughtful look in his eye. It's time you fix this.