Somewhere Only We Go (Editing)

Chapter 23 (Part 2)

Kabir

"You want me to believe you?" I asked. Now that we had settled in, it was all hitting me tenfold. Avi has self-harm tendencies and probably has suicidal thoughts. This is so out of my league, I can't even begin to fathom the number of ways I could fuck this up. Anything I say could and would drive him in the wrong direction. The words that I threw out in the afternoon were still heavily stomping my heart.

"Kabir, we need to talk."

No, was he going to break up with me?

"Avi, I-"

"Can you please listen to what I have got to say?"

I nodded. Avi sighed and then snuggled deeper in the pillows, carefully putting his right arm on the side.

"You were right. Everything you said to me, it's the truth I didn't want to face. But not for the reasons you think. I don't care about the luxuries. Yes, I am used to having everything but I can survive without these things or I know I'll learn to. But I am afraid of everything else that comes with it. The times I had thought about leaving my family and walking out of their lives were scary because I don't know who I am without it. When I was a kid, I was in awe of everything my father did. I don't remember much of the initial years but I remember when I was around 10 or 11, I used to follow Dad everywhere when I was free. I wanted to be like him. I...I think I still do. I admire what he and my uncle had done with our family business. But back then things were different."

I squeezed his hand in assurance.

"Or maybe I looked at it differently. Dad wasn't a bad parent, he was absent, yes, but he was still there at times."

I wanted to tell him that he was wrong. His absence was terrible parenting. He doesn't get to pick when he is going to be present in his sons' lives. My heart broke for Avi and also Ishan, whom I'll never get to meet. What would it have been like for a teenager to be thrown into showbiz?

"I think the important part was that he treated both of us in the same way. When he was sure that Ishan wasn't going to take after him, his attention turned to me and I loved it. Anyone looking from the outside won't have seen those shifts, but I could see them. He asked his secretary to have me visit his office sometimes when I didn't have school. Just small stuff that meant a lot to me, since I didn't have Ishan to hang out with anymore. But then it started increasing, his interference. He wanted to decide what course I should take, and which college I should be admitted to. It started irritating me. That was also the time I was almost sure I am into boys and it was fucking up my mind. I attended a few dinners with my parents and I knew my father would never accept a gay son. So this one time we went to a party and there was a boy I had a crush on, and I wanted to kiss him."

Avi paused and closed his eyes. I got up and sat in his lap, carefully wrapping my legs around his waist making sure his right arm was not disturbed. I cupped his face in my palms and pressed my forehead to his. For a few minutes, neither of us spoke. It was just us together in that moment where if he wanted he could stop and I wouldn't have asked him to continue. But he did.

"That was the night I kissed someone for the first time. I did it because I wanted to, but I can't deny a part of me did it because I knew Dad wouldn't like it. So you see I have had a complicated relationship with him since then. But I still decided to work in our company. All those decisions were still mine, and I know that makes me a coward. Even Rishabh left but I am still here."

"Were they?" I ask softly.

"What?"

"Those decisions, were they truly yours? Or was it some kind of survivor's guilt?"

His eyes widened and I knew I had touched the right mark. So I continue.

"I am guessing you lost your brother around the same time, so were you just trying to compensate for the loss your parents were going through?" Avi lowers his eyes. My heart broke for him.

"Avi look at me. Baby it wasn't your fault, it was an accident. You weren't even there with him." At least that's what I know according to the articles. Ishan was coming back from a party taking place in a farmhouse in Gurgaon and his car crashed with a truck. There were three people in the car including the driver and unfortunately only one of them didn't survive. The truck had crashed through the passenger side. His friend was sitting behind the driver and managed to get away with broken limbs. The driver had some serious injuries but was saved.

"But I could have saved him." His voice cracked on the last word and tears started streaming down. I had no idea what he was talking about.

"What do you mean?" I cupped his face with one palm and wiped his tears from the other one.

"That night after the kiss I was freaking out and I called him. I told him what had happened and I wanted to ask him to come home. I was panicking and Ishan told me he loved me and he would take me out the next day. I wanted...I wanted to ask him to come home sooner. He was happy for me Kabir and I knew if I asked him to come home immediately he would have. And I keep thinking what if I had asked him to come back? He would have been home at 4 am when that stupid accident happened. He would have been alive today and he would have known how to keep our family together, something I failed at no matter how hard I tried."

"Baby..." I pull him closer in my arms. He rested his head on my chest and sobbed quietly and I let him. I don't think Avi ever got to grieve his brother properly. His parents did, and his mother still does, but he took it upon himself to fill the space his brother left behind while still being the other son. Partially because he was alone in his grief and didn't know what to do but also because he felt responsible in a way. Suddenly I remembered the night he had a nightmare he was saying something like you are not real. Is his own brother's voice haunting him at night? He is tired of living the lives of both; himself and Ishan and now he is burnt out. A man can only take so much. The thought makes me want to take him away from all of it, let him get a fresh start far away from here. We couldn't do that but I could do something.

"Baby I want you to listen to me now. I know it's easy for me to say and I also know that saying it right now isn't going to change anything but I am going to try every day until you believe me. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT."