Somewhere Only We Go (Editing)

Chapter 24

Avinash

"It wasn't your fault."

There is nothing I would have liked to believe more than those words. But he didn't know about the voices that tortured me. He didn't know that if I got an opportunity to swap places with my brother I would have done it in a heartbeat. I didn't want to cry more but I couldn't stop the tears streaming down my face. Kabir kept wiping them away with his hands.

"There was nothing you could have done to prevent it from happening Avi. Let's say you had asked him to come back and he left the party early, that doesn't mean his car wouldn't have crashed. I don't think death is about being in the wrong place, sometimes people have short lifespans. Your brother...baby...he..."

He didn't want to say it but I understood. "I know."

He is right, maybe Ishan was meant to live 19 years. Maybe he wasn't meant to grow old or have a long life, and if that was the case it wouldn't matter if I called him or not. Maybe he was fated to die that night, and maybe that was the reason I came out to him. In some creepy cosmic way, my sub-conscience knew that was my last chance to tell my brother my truth and he got to tell me he loved me one last time. I was the last person he called.

But then why would my mother push me away more than she already did? If I was not to be blamed why did she not reach out to me? Why didn't she ask me how I was doing? My mother always had a favorite, it was Ishan. I knew his death affected her the most if we can even measure grief. But I thought she would be there for me too, and I waited for her to reach out. I waited for weeks, or months, giving her all the time. Maybe I was being unfair to her but I needed her more than ever and she wasn't there. It didn't take me long to figure out that she looked at me like she was disappointed that if one of her sons were to be taken it was not me.

"Still hurts" I whispered.

"I know baby, I am so sorry, you had to go through it alone." He wrapped his arms around my neck and I buried my face in the crook of his neck.

"I am also sorry for what I said in the morning. It doesn't matter to me Avi, your family background, your past none of it would make me love you any less. Even though what I wanted to say was right, the way it came out was wrong and stupid. There are ways for me to convey my thoughts and feelings without hurting you the way I did. And I am sorry for that."

"This is all new for me. I have never been in love, I have never been in a serious relationship before I met you and I am still figuring out how to be a good boyfriend." He said.

That made the two of us. "Me too, love."

He gently unwrapped his arm from around me and wiped my face again with his hand. The tears finally stopped. "I think it's okay to make mistakes if we learn from them and try to not repeat them. I am sorry I didn't tell you much about my life. But Kabir even if we don't know each other that well it doesn't make what I feel for you any less valid."

"I know baby, I am sorry if I made you feel like that. That wasn't my intention." He says softly kissing both my eyes and I could physically feel some of the tension leaving my body.

"What was Rishabh talking about?"

I sighed. "He thinks I should go back."

Kabir frowns. "Go back as in...?"

"Go back as in he said he will arrange tickets for Delhi if I want." I won't lie, the offer was tempting. For a moment I thought I could just get away, we could go back to Delhi and stay in my apartment for the next two days before we had to go back to our normal lives. But I also knew it was not possible.

"Is that an option?" Kabir asked curiously.

"Yes and no." Kabir frowns. "No one is going to stop us if we leave but it will come with extra dealings with my parents. And even if for some reason they let it go, Rishabh said he will deal with my family, and even though some days I want to strangle him with my own hands, even I am not that cruel to leave him in the clutches of my parents."

Kabir snorts. "Okay fair enough, we should find other ways to torture him."

I liked how he said 'we'.

"We?"

"Yup. We, if you want to strangle him, I'll have to help you afterward to hide the body, we are a team."

Before I could reply there was a small knock at the door like whoever was at the door didn't want to disturb us. Kabir gets off me and I immediately miss his body weight on me. I quickly fix the comforter over my legs because even if I am injured and tired my dick didn't get the memo.

When Kabir opened the door after adjusting his pants which made me laugh a little, Disha stepped in. She looked like she was crying before coming here and she was not looking at either of us nervously fidgeting her fingers.

"Uh, I hope I didn't disturb you guys." Her eyes were still fixed on the floor.

"Oh, no not at all. We were just talking." Kabir replies.

Disha nods. A few seconds pass, and none of us are sure what to do next. I almost got up from the bed to get to her when she said, "Bhaiya told me what happened, and I...I just wanted to see you once."

Kabir's eyes softened immediately but before I could figure out what to say Disha took quick steps towards me and hugged me her face buried in my chest. Her soft sobs filled the room and my left hand rested on her back.

"Hey!" I said as softly as I could.

"I am just glad you are okay, bhai." Guess none of them believed my I fell asleep in the bathtub excuse.

"I am fine now," I say but she doesn't respond. She just sat there holding on to me tightly and sobbed on my chest and I felt bad for putting her through this. Disha is the youngest of all my cousins, she was the baby sister I had whom, Ishan, Rishabh, and I pampered in our own ways.

I still remember how she used to sit in my bed filling her coloring books while I read when she didn't want to play outside with Rishabh and Ishan. On those days no matter how much both of my brothers tried bribing her with chocolates and candies she wouldn't go with them and they would just accept defeat and leave her with me. Rishabh was Ishan's age and Disha was 7 years younger than him, which meant she was still five years younger than me. Like I said, she was our baby sister. And I had made her cry as well.

Kabir sat at the edge of the bed not wanting to disturb us but his eyes were filled with tears. I remembered Rishabh's face how exhausted he looked but also worried. I was the reason for all these people crying and I suddenly felt ashamed of what I had done or had attempted to do. After our fight, I thought no one would care but I was so wrong. I thought about how Rishabh's quick thinking and CPR probably saved my life today, Disha, who had already lost one brother and almost lost another today. And Kabir, god, I couldn't even think about how a few days ago I promised him a lifetime of making him happy and then almost took it away.

Disha pulled away slowly and stood beside the bed folding her arms in front of her. "Just promise you won't try anything like that again, please?"

I took her hand in mine, "I won't. I am sorry Disha I didn't mean to scare you."

She nods. "You can talk to us bhai, anytime." I smiled. I didn't realize when my cousin grew up so much but then I wasn't the most present brother in her life. I'll have to try and change that in the future.

"I am going to go now and let you get some rest, I'll come later." She turned around but before leaving she asked Kabir to save her number as well just in case he needed it and Rishabh wasn't available.

After she left my eyes felt heavy and I could feel a little sting in my palm. Kabir helped me lie down in a comfortable position, I was a little hungry but I needed sleep more. As my eyes started drooping I felt Kabir's lips on my forehead and then he got inside the comforter, his one arm protectively around my waist.