IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN (A Johnny Gaudreau Fanfic)

SEE ME

I'd been standing before his door for twenty minutes, completely silent and still. As students made there way home for winter break, the building was becoming more and more eerie and quiet. And I stood with my fist curled, ready to knock but unable to.

It had been a whole 3 days since I'd last seen Johnny. A whole 3 days that I'd spent wallowing in self-hatred and guilt and other nasty emotions all while realizing that being without his smile and hair and voice was becoming increasingly more difficult. I felt like I hadn't properly breathed since the last time I had seen him and my chest hadn't stopped aching. I needed to make this right with him, tell him that I changed my mind. That I did love him. And I needed to do it as soon as possible.

Finally, pushing down the lump in my throat, I worked up the courage and knocked exactly three times before stepping away quickly, ready to run if I had to. My breathing was erratic and I could feel my pulse down to my fingertips.
Sean opened the door and from his indisposed expression, I knew that he knew. Johnny had probably told what I done and I was sure he would never see me the same again.

Pulling on my sleeves nervously, I stood under his gaze. "Hi, Sean."

"Hi Eleanor, what can I do for you?" he asked politely because I was sure it was impossible for Sean to ever be mean to anyone.

"I, um, I needed to see Johnny. Is he home? It's really important," I asked urgently, craning my neck to see if he was lingering around.

Sean fell silent and grimaced at me, surely calculating ways to let me down easy. "Eleanor, you know I can't really help you there, he-he said doesn't want to see you and I can't go against that."

"Sean please, you have to understand that I didn't mean to hurt him and I need to see him, I have to see him before it's too late," I begged, pleading with my eyes so he'd hopefully understand how crucial it was for me too see him. Break was fast approaching and in a short three days I'd be leaving to head back home and then things would become completely irreversible after that. And who knew what a whole three weeks away from each other could do to us. Or what it could do to him.

"I don't want to be involved in what happened between you and Johnny, trust me. But Johnny's been my friend for ages and I think you should respect his decision just like he's respected yours."

I sighed shakily, running my hands through my hair. I knew I wasn't happy with the answer or the fact that Johnny had instructed his roommates to keep me away from him. Hell, it was devastating. I wanted to barge in there, find him and kiss him, but a greater part of me knew how important respect was. And so I nodded, turned around, and walked to my own dorm. I hadn't been careful with Johnny before and there was no way I could risk hurting him again. I was craving his forgiveness though and the smallest part of me was afraid that he might never give it to me.

+++

I pulled on my coat and mittens, stepping outside and locking the door behind me. I was leaving the day after tomorrow and was wanting to pick up some last minute Christmas gifts for some of my cousins that my mother had informed me would be visiting this year. Which would have been nice any other Christmas but this year I was dreading going back to Portland where all the things I wanted to fight for would become so far away. I didn't mean for it but it felt like I was running away from the mess I'd created and I hated it. For once I wanted to face my problems head on even if right now that didn't seem possible. Especially because Johnny had begun avoiding like the plague, in such a similar way that I'd avoided him one upon a time. Only now I was learning how much it could hurt.

I wanted more to take it back than maybe I wanted to successfully attain my degree right now and had decided these past few days that the vigor that had once gone into school would now be going into getting Johnny to look at me the same he once had. He was kind of making that impossible, especially since I'd lingered in the hallway more and more everyday and he never seemed to leave his dorm. There was not a single time I'd seen him going in or out or even heard the door open, which was concerning in itself but also made it morbidly difficult to catch him by the wrist and force him to listen to what I had to say. I didn't know how I'd gone from being his desired to becoming completely invisible to him. It was fucking brutal.

I instinctually looked around the hall, hoping wildly that he was there, just waiting for me. But he wasn't and instead the hallway was silent and my heart sort of dropped a little bit. I guess I was just used to finding Johnny, right there outside of my door like he couldn't live without me and now that it had been ripped away, I'd have to get those thoughts out of my head.

Suddenly, as I was starting towards the stairs, the door to 5A swung open for the first time in four days outstepped the person I'd wanted to see more than anything. But it was far beyond that because the sight had made my heart fall farther than my feet and into the oblivion of the Earth. I was completely shattered. Unable to breath and just lost completely. Because yes, I'd hurt him, I was ready to accept that. But this punishment was worse than I ever deserved.

There stood Johnny, a smile on his face, one that I longed to see, and his arms around the very same girl I'd seen him in the library with the day before everything had begun tumbling. And they giggled to one another, content and like he'd never ever been hurt. And it hit me like a bullet. He was fine without me. He was happy and able to move on and unlike anything I'd ever thought he would be. And perhaps that hurt the most. That we weren't in the same degrees of pain it seemed. I was on a mountain while Johnny stood on level ground, easily able to walk away from everything. My heart stung and I couldn't get air into my lungs.

When the floorboards creaked beneath my heavy boots, he looked up, our eyes connecting in a sparkling way that I felt deep within me but he wore a completely desolate expression. As if he was seeing a row of doors and walls instead the very girl he'd proclaimed his love for days earlier. Almost as if I wasn't there and he didn't see me completely crumbling. And his expression didn't change; he only hugged the girl tighter and closed his eyes to avoid looking at me. And I slipped away quietly, holding back the tears. I didn't even know who he and I were anymore.

+++

At the mall, I stepped off the escalator and found myself face to face with a sports store. For a second, I stood outside, my hands rung together as I stared at the sign and thought of Johnny. The way he'd talked about hockey and how it was his childhood passion. There was so much of him I grieved for without even knowing it. And then something spiked within me, if he wasn't going to give his forgiveness the easy way, I would just have to try and buy it. It was my best bet.

I stepped inside, looking around at the bright colours of jerseys of various sports. The most being taken up by hockey on the left side. I made my way over, scanning the long wall covered floor to ceiling in jerseys and teams, I didn't even know where to begin.

My curious and confused eyes met those of the cashier as he said to me, "Do you need help finding something?"

"Uh- I needed a jersey for one of my friends," I explained nervously, "He's a huge Philadelphia fan."

He made his way to the wall. "We have a huge selection of Flyers jerseys, is there a particular player he's a fan of?"

I chewed on my lip for a moment, trying to think of someone that I'd ever heard him raving of. "Err Giroux, I think his name is..." I said unsurely. I wasn't all that knowledgeable in the sports world.

"Ah Giroux, that's a good choice, he's one of our best sellers," he told me, pulling a bright orange jersey from the rack. "Here ya go."

I smiled thankfully. "So, how much is this?"

"$110." He proceeded to the cash register but I was dead in my tracks. That was about the amount I had left in my savings account. What would I do? How would I ask my parents for more money if I ever needed it?

I took a deep breath and swept those questions to the back of my mind. Rubbing the soft fabric between my fingers, I placed it on the counter and pulled out my bank card. This was my only hope.