IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN (A Johnny Gaudreau Fanfic)

LAST CHANCE

Mady stood in my doorway, a coat draped over her shoulders and her toque on, like she was going somewhere. I pulled my earbuds out when she came and sat on top of my bed, her face painted with concern and I raised an eyebrow.

"Can we talk?" she asked calmly, placing her hands in her lap.

"Yeah, sure. Is everything okay?" I tried to think back to something that I'd done, we hadn't gotten into any tiffs or offended each other in anyway recently, so then what did she want to talk about?

"I know."

I stared at her blankly, lost as to what she was referring to. "You know what?"

"About you and Johnny. I know," she explained and fear spiked up my spine. Fear and anxiety and total and utter embarrassment. God, she knew. Did that mean she had changed her mind about me too, like Sean and Johnny had. Oh no!

"I-uh-how?" I stumbled, unable to think of anything to say.

"Sean told me, he didn't want to but I kind of forced it out of him."

"Oh..." I fell silent; not knowing if I was thankful that I didn't have to tell her now or betrayed that Sean would sell me out like that.

"I'm sorry that I went behind your back," Mady apologized, looking away from me.

"No, I'm sorry that you had to find out like that. I should have just told you, you probably would have stopped my from making so many mistakes."

"Eleanor, you're entire life has been spent taking precautionary measures and being safe, it's okay to make mistakes and get hurt, you learn from them. And most importantly, you learn how to make them right, which is what you need to do right now."

I smiled for the first time in a while, engulfing her in a hug. "I realize now that you're right, thank you."

"It's no problem sweetie, what are friends for."

"Mady," I started, treading my fingers together. "What should I do, how do I get Johnny back?" I felt this impeccable sense of urgency, like a timer ticking away within me, and tomorrow when I boarded a plane to go home, it would ding. Which meant if I wanted to fix this, I needed to do it today. Time was quickly running out.

"I'm going to Sean and Johnny's hockey game tonight, you should tag along, corner him and talk to him," she suggested and I nodded, considering the idea. Though it was sound I still feared the worst, like not catching him in time. I still had his gift to deliver and I wondered if I'd ever be able to with the downward motion that everything was heading.

"What if he doesn't want to talk to me, what am I going to do then?" I asked heatedly, running a hand through my hair.

"I don't know, but you have to try Eleanor. This is your last chance."

+++

I shuffled into my seat, my hands stuffed into my pockets as I stepped over my fellow students fanatically cheering for our team. The entire atmosphere was loud and bustling and exciting and helped to extract some of the nervousness from me. Mady was close behind me and giving my shoulder a comforting squeeze just so I'd know that she supported me. Something that I really needed right now. I was yet to spot Johnny and my heart was in my throat at that, I didn't know how I'd take it, it felt like I hadn't seen him in ages and though I missed him severely, it would be a shock.

I sat with a rigid back and alert eyes, compared to everyone else who was whooping and laughing, I did not feel like I belonged. I blew out a sigh, the faster the game was over the faster I could find him and give him gift (which I'd tucked under my seat) and beg him for forgiveness before it was too late and the connection we'd built would be lost in an oblivion of mistakes and forgotten intentions.

It did shock me; in fact it did more than shock me. It winded me. It knocked the air from my lungs and the thoughts from my mind. It whipped me back and stung me down to my very core. He was right there, exactly like I remembered him. But so different. My last thoughts of Johnny consisted mostly of our fight in my bedroom, tall and stern and ready to make a choice and that had haunted me. But here he was blissful. He was in a zone of determination and purpose. A passion comparable to a painter or a writer. He was art on the ice and I loved every single stroke of him. I sat there praying that he would see me but also that never would because this moment was perfect and I didn't want anything to steal it.

And Johnny moved like the wind, handling the puck with perfection, deeking and dodging the defence of the opposing team until he was face to face with the goalie and there was silence for a split second before he placed a shot and then we heard the sound of the puck hitting the net and then the arena burst out into noise. Sounds of the buzzer and people cheering and instinctually I burst onto my feet cheering for him. It was such a picture perfect, movie-like moment and I couldn't help but screech his name, jumping up and down in sheer excitement. I hadn't had the slightest clue just how talented this boy was and it was making my heart pump rapidly.

I watched him laugh as his teammates huddled him in, his back turned to me. But the distance between us closed immediately as he turned around, scanning the crowd and by some unlucky stroke his eyes grasped on to mine and I stopped jumping immediately as did he stopped dead in his tracks. And everything seemed to slow as we both stood there amongst an arena full of screaming fans and hockey players, only staring at one another. My heart was beating so fast, I feared it would stop. He closed his mouth but then opened it once again and I was sure he was just trying to process this, trying to think of something to say. And for a small moment, as I stood there watching him watching me, I was sure he was going to make his way up to me, grab me, and kiss me while he told me he loved me.

But he didn't; instead, he skated away towards his bench.

+++

An hour after the game, I was pacing outside of the locker room watching as various players made their way out. Sean had already left with Mady so I was alone with no one to appease my nervousness. And it didn't help that I was 100% sure the only reason Johnny was taking so long was because of me. It was actually making me freak out and swing the gift bag I was holding violently around, earning a few looks from the people chatting and working around me. I ran a hand over my face, sighing. I needed to get it together if I ever wanted this to work out.

I turned around to face the door again and I was suddenly face to face with a familiar chest and curly hair beneath a cap just like I loved it. And I my neck jerked as I was taken aback by being so close to him suddenly. A part of my couldn't even believe that this was real, that he was real, standing before me such distance that I could simply reach out and feel his skin beneath my finger tips.

We looked at one another for a moment before he turned away, ready to walk away from me. From us. But I grabbed his bicep, forcing him to turn towards me and look at what a mess I was. At how much regret I had in my eyes, at how much I'd been punished by him and myself.

"Let go Eleanor," he commanded softly, closing his eyes as he breathed in.

But I didn't. "No Johnny, not until you listen to me."

"I cant," he stressed, "I have to go."

"Go wherever you want to, but after you take this." I held out the bag for him and he stared at it, unmoving and making no effort to take it from me. "Please."

Johnny frowned, "What is that?"

"It's a Christmas and apology present wrapped up in one." I tried to add a bit of humour but it seemed to be lost on him as he switched between staring at the sparkly bag and my own face.

"I-can't take that Eleanor, I-I just can't."

"You have to," I pressed, trying to find the strength within me to continue. But it was hard with him standing right there, beautiful and perfect and not even mine. "You don't have to be in love with me, you don't have to be my friend, and you don't even have to forgive me. But you cant refuse a gift Johnny, you just cant."

Silence engulfed us and I closed my eyes, forcing away the feelings of disappointment and loss.

"Okay," he said simply, taking the gift from me but not moving away yet. Instead, his eyes feel into mine and he leaned onto me, placing the softest kiss on my forehead making me gasp.

"Thank you," he whispered, turning around and walking away.

And instead of stopping him, I watched him leave.