IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN (A Johnny Gaudreau Fanfic)

GREEN EYED MONSTER

I walked into the library after my last class with my head bobbing to the music blasting in through my headphones. I looked around for an empty study carrel to lay my things out on and get to work, my first exam was in three days and with the amount of time I'd spent these past few days with Johnny or daydreaming about him, things were feeling grim. Of course, I was over reacting and second-guessing myself but I couldn't help it. Having college, family, and a boy in your life did that to a girl. And I hated the kind of bittersweet effect Johnny on my life and was unable to do anything about it besides be stuck on a bridge between being something and being nothing, with utter doom lapping at the rocks beneath me. I was dramatic but so were the circumstances and the feelings that I'd thrust upon myself. And I knew I didn't need to do this, I could simply let go of everything between us and go back to the distance that we'd previously shared but my stupid heart insisted on feeling more for him and thinking about him and gushing over his smile and hair and the way he felt and it made everything so complicated.

Opening up my bag, I pulled out my slowly deteriorating notebook and textbook, but sat against the wood blankly for several minutes, unable move. The similar pattern was beginning again. The part of my brain that didn't want to understand the highlighted words and paragraphs and instead wanted to think about nicer things like kissing Johnny was taking over and making it difficult to study. And it was starting to become a regular occurrence in my life and thus reviewing had become nearly impossible. Huffing, I forced myself to look at the words.

"Amygdala," I read, pushing my glasses further up my nose. "Part of the limbic system that controls emotion, aggression, and the formation of emotional memory. Archetype: A universal, inherited, primitive, and symbolic representation of an...an-Ugh! I don't care." Dragging my hands over my face, I groaned. For someone majoring in psychology, I had absolutely no idea how to solve my own psychological problems. Maybe I should just give up on studying and hope for the best, there really wasn't any other way to get through this.

Just as I was about to close my books, I saw a familiar ball cap and the same dark hair curling from beneath it and the very boy to steal my sanity and concentration. Speak of the devil. Johnny was sitting a few carrels away hunched over his laptop, looking concentrated. And for a second, excitement skewered up my spine at seeing him. I was preparing to make my way over, politely say hi with the hopes that he'd ask me to sit with him, maybe we could even get coffee later. But that was only for a split second because as I stood up, I noticed Johnny wasn't alone. Oh no, he was the exact opposite actually.

Hanging off of his arm was a girl who was pouting her bubblegum pink lips and gazing at him with her piercing green eyes and had the zipper of her hoodie unzipped just a bit too much and her bleach blonde hair was fanning all over the place. And much to my misery he was smiling at her, chatting enthusiastically as she rubbed up against him in ways that made my stomach turn. And as she gripped his bicep and invaded his space, he seemed completely unbothered. Like he was enjoying it, actually.

And my excitement had turned into fiery anger and jealousy that felt so foreign in itself that it only made it worse. I hated that I was capable of feeling such strong emotions so quickly and over someone who technically wasn't mine.

My body went cold and my back was rigid with the feelings I was trying to stuff down deep within my stomach. Everything was swimming and turning so fast, I wanted to throw something at them. And it was ridiculous but I'd never thought about what it would feel like to have someone else in our equation. I hadn't never ever thought that I would have to worry about Johnny showing interest in someone else, like he was always going to be on the other side of my door and no one else's. But seeing him there, with someone else, laughing like he'd laughed with me just yesterday. Seeing some green-eyed monster pressed up against him like I had once been, hurt, despite my denial. But what hurt most of all was perhaps the realization that she was pretty and blonde and skinny and perky and everything that I wasn't.

Furiously, I stuffed my things into my bag, not caring for the pages that were crumpling beneath the weight of my pressure and rage. I needed to go home incredibly more now then ever before. I needed my bed and some pop-tarts and a movie to take away the images that were enveloping my brain like wallpaper. It hurt and I didn't know why. I shouldn't have cared. But I did. And I was stupid. It was only Johnny; the shy boy who'd kissed me that very first day and I was now territorial over. And then it hit me like a lightening bolt; I'd fallen for him. And this wasn't some middle school crush that would wipe away in months or something that I was forcing. This was real; I was beginning to think I needed him like I needed air and it was driving me crazy.

Hiking my bag over my shoulder, I began towards the entrance of the library, hoping by every grace of God he wouldn't see me. That would only make this worse. That would only widen the jealousy and make the realization deeper. I had fallen for him. For Johnny. It sounded so foreign and alien on my tongue. Like it was a new word that I was just learning. And my heart knocked rapidly at that.

Luckily enough, he was too preoccupied with his 'friend' to notice me tiptoe by.

+++

I had my forehead pressed against the cool wood of my door, breathing in and out periodically, trying to deal with the emotional fury within me before I opened the door. I knew if I didn't calm down, I'd end up crying or something and I really did not want to do that in front of Mady. I couldn't deal with her questions right now. Not when I couldn't deal with my own.

"Calm down, calm down, calm down, calm down," I whispered to myself harshly, like saying it enough would make me believe it. My stomach was aching as I pressed my knuckles to the wood.

"Eleanor?" I whipped around to discover Sean standing there; his head tilted just a bit to the side in concern. "You okay?"

Pushing my hair away from my face, I nodded. "Yeah, yeah I-I'm fine!"

I was ready to dismiss him when he interrupted me. "It's Johnny...isn't it?"

"What? Sean... I- No, no that's not it at all. What are you talking about?" My eyes were wide and I'd grown speechless. There was no way Sean could have known what had happened between us or even the more recent occurrence at the library, so such a conclusion was perplexing.

"I know what happened between you guys Eleanor," he informed matter-of-faculty.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I tried to refute.

"The party, his bedroom, the kiss, he told me everything."

I looked down at my shoes, embarrassed and distraught. This entire time, I was sure nobody besides me and Johnny knew. And somehow Sean had kept our secret and somehow continued to be my friend.

"When did he tell you?" I inquired.

"After you told him you wanted to be strangers in the library. He didn't take it well, but he respected what you wanted."

"I know, Johnny can be amazing like that," I smiled grimly, remembering when I'd declined his offer to go out to dinner and insisted on forgetting everything. It all felt so far away from today.

"Yeah," he agreed, pausing. "You know he really regrets how you two met and he really likes you, more than I think he's ever liked anyone."

With my eyes tightly screwed shut, I exhaled, trying to not to be too emotional or broken. "He shouldn't regret it, you have no control over how people come into your life...And as far as liking me goes, well he shouldn't do that either, because I can't be with him."

Sean frowned, "You can't or you won't?"

I nodded my head frantically, "It doesn't matter. Johnny and I will never happen"

I nearly had tears in my eyes as I turned away and slipped into my dorm, refusing to acknowledge everything that I'd learned today.