South Park: Senior Year

12. Veggie Crackers

TW: Eating disorder tendencies and mindset

"Wanna come over?" Clyde asked after the school's release bell rang.
"Yeah, sure." Tolkien smiled. "Let me just text my mom."
"Okay." Clyde kicked a rock across the asphalt as they made their way to his car.
The car used to belong to his mom. After she passed, Clyde's dad never got rid of it. Fortunately, it was still able to run once Clyde had gotten his license. He had named it Betsy after her.
The two boys hopped into the car and Clyde pulled out of the school's parking lot. Tolkien rambled about some project he had with Stan and how he has to do it all himself.
"Just tell the teachers he's not doing any work. Everyone knows he's shit at school." Clyde says, pulling into his driveway.
"Well, it's not entirely his fault." Tolkien says getting out of Clyde's car. "He's dealing with a lot."
Clyde rolls his eyes as he unlocks his front door. "So? We're all dealing with stuff. You need to take care of yourself for once instead of worrying about everyone else."
Tolkien sighs. "I guess."
The boys make their way up to Clyde's room. Once there, Clyde flops down on his bed and pulls his laptop back out of his backpack.
"Wanna play World of Warcraft?" He asks.
"Sure." Tolkien grabs his own laptop from his bag. "I can help you get leveled up since you'll be behind."
"Thanks." This way, Craig and Jimmy couldn't shit on him for being a noob.
After a few hours of playing, Clyde's stomach begins to growl with hunger. He does his best to ignore it, but Tolkien takes notice immediately.
"Damn, it's dinner time already." Tolkien says, checking the time. "Do you want me to order us something?"
"You can, but I'm good." Clyde responds fighting against how much his stomach disagrees.
"Are you sure? I really don't mind." Tolkien offers again, worry spreading across his face.
"Yeah, um." Clyde looks away from him and back to his laptop screen. "You're parents probably want you back for dinner, don't they?"
Tolkien sighs. "Yeah, probably."
Clyde remembers how Mrs. Black had ripped into him just last week for missing supper. They were always super strict with Tolkien even though he was a practically perfect kid. He never did anything half as bad as his friends did.
"You sure you don't want anything? I know your dad doesn't get back till late tonight." Tolkien insists again while swinging his bag over his shoulder.
"I'm fine, Mom." Clyde rolls his eyes jokingly. "I'll just cook myself some ramen or something." He lied.
Tolkien chuckles. "Alright. See you later."
Clyde watched Tolkien as he left his room before flopping back down on his bed with a huff. He stared up at his ceiling waiting for the sound of Tolkien leaving through his front door. Once he heard the door shut, he sobbed.
      He couldn't stop the tears from flowing. He turned over, pulling the covers over himself. His tears soaked his face and pillow. Clyde's stomach ached. He did his best to ignore it but pangs of hunger shot through him.
     "Stop it." He grumbled to himself. Stop being hungry. Stop hurting. Stop it. He thought. But the hunger continued. Pain grew in his head as well from crying.
     Clyde let himself cry a few moments longer before the tears stopped and left him lying quietly in his room. He lay, staring at his arms and pinching his skin with his fingers. Fat was all he could think.
      Clyde sat up and wiped his face with his sleeve before exiting his room and heading down to his kitchen. He grabbed a glass from the cupboard and filled it with ice water. While in the kitchen he couldn't stop eyeing the fridge. He was so hungry.
     Clyde had been trying to refrain from eating entirely for the past few days. He was terrible at it though and had slipped up the day before to eat some of the pasta his dad made for dinner. He tried to throw it up after to make up for it, but just couldn't. Clyde hated throwing up and his body simply wouldn't let him.
     Clyde found himself standing in front of his fridge with his hands on the door handle. He paused and just stared at it. He wanted to eat so badly. His stomach hurt like hell and he'd been lightheaded all day. But there was no way he would.
     He let go of the fridge and went back up the stairs to his bathroom. After undressing himself for a shower he pulled a scale from under the sink. He placed it on the ground and hesitantly stepped on. He prayed that he'd lost a good amount.
     "A hundred and fucking forty? Still? Goddammit!" He yelled at the scale.
     Clyde had been trying to lose weight for almost a year now and had dropped about ten pounds. But that wasn't good enough. He still looked fucking fat. His stomach still hung over his boxers. His thighs still touched when he walked. And his jawline was still hardly there.
     His eyes burned with tears again but he blinked them away and stepped into the shower. Clyde didn't understand what he was doing wrong. He wasn't even asking for that much. He just wanted to be thin. Thin like Jimmy or Tweek or Tolkien or Kyle. They all had perfect genes and perfectly defined jawlines. Why was it so easy for them but so fucking hard for him?
     Clyde couldn't tell if he was crying now or if it was the shower but he didn't care. He had to work harder to lose weight. Do anything he could. No more slip-ups.

     The next morning, Clyde woke up feeling exhausted. He'd gone to bed early yet his eyelids could barely stay open. His stomach made sure Clyde was aware of it's emptiness as pain shot through him. Clyde groaned, bending over for a moment, his hand on his abdomen. He took a deep breath. Ignore it. Come on, you're not even that hungry.
     As he finished getting dressed, he noticed that his pants were too loose to stay up comfortably. Clyde smiled, proud of himself. At least he was making progress, even if it was small. He grabbed a belt and slipped it on. He was in a much better mood now, despite how angry his stomach was.
     Clyde made sure to avoid his dad as he made his house out of the house. If his dad took notice of him he'd likely offer a breakfast Clyde would have to suspiciously decline.
      Clyde made his way down the street towards the grocery store. His dad has texted him a list of things to pick up early that morning. At the bottom of the list his dad had written, get yourself some snacks too.
     Clyde wondered about what he could even get for himself. He probably shouldn't get anything if he was trying not to eat. But, maybe, he could get himself a really healthy snack for those days when he felt like dying. Usually, he would binge and then cry his eyes out for being such a fat fuck, but if he got a healthy snack then he could at least feel less bad after.
     Once he got to the store, he collected all the list items first and then headed to the chips and crackers aisle. He looked around for what felt like forever, checking each of the labels on everything that looked healthy. He settled on the one with the least amount of calories per serving, some sort of veggie crackers. He grabbed a few boxes and threw them into the cart.
      As he walked home, he started to feel light-headed again. Even more so than before. He walked slower, his head throbbing and his limbs tingly. He reached into one of the grocery bags and pulled out the veggie crackers. Perhaps a small amount of food would help him feel better until he got home, he thought as he dropped one into his mouth. They tasted awful but he didn't care. The moment they touched his tongue, his mouth was watering. He had to force himself to eat them one at a time, savoring each bite. After each cracker, he told himself only one more, but he kept eating.
     By the time he was home, the box was empty. Clyde cursed himself, tears stinging in his eyes. He set the groceries on the counter before turning towards the steps up to his room.
     "Clyde?" His father called from their living room.
     Fuck. Clyde thought. He blinked back the tears that were forming and tried to swallow the lump in his throat before making his way to his dad.
     "What's up?" He asked.
     His dad sat in his chair in the living room, the news channel turned on the TV in front of him.
     "Hey, buddy." He greeted his son. "So, your sister called and invited us over for dinner tomorrow."
     Clyde smiled. "Really?"
     It'd been a while since he'd seen Beth and was excited to see her again. She was several years older than him and left for college when he was in middle school. Eventually, she moved back to Colorado but was now a couple of hours away from South Park.
     "Yeah. She says she misses you and thought it'd be nice for you to bond with Ruth." His dad explained.
     Ruth was his sisters two year old daughter. Clyde had felt really old when she told him he'd be an uncle.
     "I miss her too." Clyde admitted. "When do I need to be ready?"
     "About 3:30."
     Clyde nodded before turning around and heading up to his room. He flopped on his bed, smiling to himself. He couldn't wait to see his sister.
     Except, did it have to be for dinner? The one fucking thing he wanted to avoid? He began to regret eating the entire box of crackers even more than before. Now he'd have to eat dinner tomorrow too because he'd be in front of his sister and dad.
     Clyde groaned, trying his best not to think about it. He texted the group chat with Tolkien, Tweek, Craig, and Jimmy to see if anyone wanted to play WoW. Tolkien responded immediately with a yes.