Irish Luck

Chapter Fifty-Four

Stasia

I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have Cian to hold all the pieces of me together.

As soon as the words came out of Alexi's mouth I saw the reactions flash across all their faces. Betrayal and confusion from Blake and Finn which was like a punch straight to my stomach. Just pure anger on Hugh's which didn't surprise me as much, but with Cian it was different.

Even though I could see he couldn't quite comprehend what he'd just been told there was still compassion there, he didn't look at me like I was just some deceitful monster like Hugh did.

He didn't even hesitate to comfort me, he didn't change and retreat away like the others. He just continued being the same Cian that soothes me and stays with me whilst I fall apart. Telling me everything's going to be okay whilst all I could say was I was sorry.

And I am.

I hate myself for not being honest and telling them but I just couldn't. Even the thought of having to tell them now that it's out made it hard to breathe and just caused me to sob even more.

In truth I don't have the words, I don't even know how to explain when all these years i've forced myself not to think about Natalia. How she grew in my stomach, feeling the flutters and kicks. Seeing her on a screen and hearing her heartbeat whilst knowing that she would never really be mine.

I didn't even get to hold her.

As soon as she was born they took her away, straight out of the room without me even getting to see what or who she looked like.

I don't even know if she had Nate's eyes or mine, if she was healthy or what she weighed.

I heard her cry and then she was gone.

Then after only a day I was shoved out, told to never come back. No baby, no family. I had nothing and no one to turn to or talk to about her so I pushed her out of my mind. Forced myself to move on as if she never existed.

But I'm not going to be able to do that now, I'm going to have to say that all out loud and watch their faces as they listen to what I've been holding back. Knowing that I lied about what was really behind me being made to leave.

They're never going to trust me again. What if they don't even believe me.

They won't want me anywhere near them, Hugh barely trusted me as it was but now he'll want me gone I know he will.

Then that'll be it, I'll be on my own again.

"Stas it's okay, shh it's okay" I hear Blake's voice and it rouses me from sleep.

As my eyes flutter open they burn and feel puffy but my lashes are wet from where I must have been crying in my sleep. I'm still laid on the sofa with my head in Cian's lap but Blake is crouched down in front of me.

"I'm so sorry" I pretty much whimper and I feel like I'm being punched in the gut when he shakes his head.

That is until his expression softens and he brings his hand up to cup my cheek, wiping away the hot tears that stream down my face.

"We know everything Stas and you have nothing to be sorry about" he says softly and for a moment I wonder if I've misheard him because there's no way he really means that. Especially when I glance behind him to see Finn standing on the other side of the room still looking as haunted as he did the whole journey home. 

"I should have told you all, I should've been honest" I practically blubber as another sob breaks it's way free. 

It's Cian that speaks this time as he moves me off his lap and sits me up, shifting me slightly to face him. He cups my face in his hands, his expression hard as he says "You didn't lie, you just weren't ready to tell us and we understand that" 

"You do?" I question too scared to look at Finn incase his response is different. 

"Of course we do" Cian replies with such surety it makes me believe he could actually be sure about it. 

"But what about Hugh. He was so angry" I then say as I glance down at my arm where a bruise is already forming, I'm sure if I look at my other arm there'll be a matching one there too.

"I'll deal with him" Blake snaps making me flinch slight and I already know that this means there'll be tension between them all, because of me yet again. 

For a while I sit with Cian and Blake whilst Finn stays rooted across the room just staring at him, not saying a single word. No one says anything about Natalia after I tell them that I'm not ready to talk about it yet. Cian and Blake mainly talk about Faolan and how much they enjoyed seeing the reaction on his face but I can't really focus on what they're saying I just keep glancing over to Finn wondering what he's thinking. 

What he thinks about me. 

After a while the conversation dies down and Finn finally moves from his spot. He comes towards me and holds out his hand for me to take. 

"Lets get you out of that dress beautiful" he says softly. 

"I don't feel so beautiful right now" I attempt to laugh but it comes out sounding pathetic.

"Well you still are even with the tear stains" he says lightheartedly and the moment that cheeky grin spreads across his face I feel the relief of it settle into me. 

Hand in hand we head upstairs together neither of us saying anything but the comfort and warmth from simply being able to have him with me makes everything seem a little less daunting. 

Once we're in my room Finn leaves me to shower not joining me like Cian would and I feel so incredibly lonely during them moments it's hard to hold myself together.

When I come out of the shower I find him sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands.

"I'm so fucking sorry I doubted you" He says solemnly his head still buried in his hands "I just didn't know what to think" he then adds and I can hear the anguish in every word. 

"It's okay I understand" I say softly as I move towards him. 

"No it's not, it's not okay at all. I'm a fucking idiot, I just thought the worst of you without giving you a chance to explain" he shakes his head.

Seeing my usually happy Finn like this breaks my heart, I just can't bare it. Ensuring my towel is in place I kneel down in front of him between his legs and attempt to pry his hands away from his head. After some initial resistance he allows me to move his hands but he still doesn't look at me. 

"Finn please look at me" I plead and after a brief moment he finally meets my eyes with his and if I thought hearing the anguish in his voice was bad it's nothing compared to seeing it written all over his face. 

I give him as much of a smile I can muster after how draining this has all been and then I cup his face in my hands as I say. "You're not an idiot, my father knew exactly what he was doing using Natalia like that. He wanted to cause me pain and make you all doubt me. For a while he won but I won't let him take you all away from me too"

"You're not going to leave?" he asks, evident hesitation in his voice like he's scared of what I'm going to say next. 

"No for a moment there I thought you'd all make me leave, but there's nowhere else and no one else I want to be with" I say truthfully. I then learn in and bring my lips to his, kissing him softly. "You're my family now" I then say and I mean every word.