Fight to the Finish (BTVS, Book Seven)

chapter 12 - Potential

Buffy and I may have been able to take down the Uber Vamp in front of the Potentials thanks to help and collaboration from Willow and Xander, and we found Spike and I brought him home, but things were far from okay.

We were at war with the First Evil, and everything that it had its hands on. Bringers, Uber Vamps, demons, God knew what else. And we never knew when or who it could be, aside from the fact it could only appear as someone dead.

And the Slayer line, all of these Potentials, were dying for one reason.

When Giles and Anya went to get answers from Beljoxa's Eye, he said that the opportunity came recently to wipe out the Slayer line. That the mystical forces surrounding the chosen line had become "irrevocably altered, become unstable, vulnerable. The First Evil did not cause the disruption, only seized upon it to extinguish the lives of the chosen forever."

And when they asked what caused the disruption, what was responsible for letting this happen, the Eye said I was.

How, do you ask? Because I sure as hell did when they told the rest of us.

Because I was sure I didn't do anything to cause this, yet this creature seemed to think that it was all my responsibility.

Giles explained that all this was happening because I was brought back to life... After I jumped into the portal and died to save everyone including my mother and sister and didn't realize that my friends would bring me back to life.

Buffy, Willow, Xander, Tara and Anya had made that decision to bring me back. Even when Giles and Spike both knew it was dangerous and stupid so they weren't told. And neither were Dawn or our mother. Because they decided to play with magics they didn't understand, they destroyed the stability of the Slayer line. Which was why the First was here, why these girls were dying, excluding the Slayer that was activated after my death, apparently, according to the Eye. The First had taken the Slayer activated after me and kept her hostage now, alive, so that her death would not awaken the next Slayer. Keeping her alive but tortured in a place that we would never find. The Seers and witches aligned with the Council had already tried and always failed, so we knew that Willow would too, until we found something that could help.

We all doubted we would, but we hoped we would be able to save her. We just had no idea where she could be. Likely far away from here so we couldn't save her.

My friends didn't know they would start all this. They knew it was dangerous and reckless, but they were trying to get their friend back. They thought they were saving me from a hell dimension, not tearing me out of heaven.

I knew logically none of this was my fault. But that wasn't how the others were treating it, even my friends. And it wasn't how I felt.

I may have had a tendency for the need to be punished for whatever screwed up reason... But part of me really did think this was my fault.

I got ripped away from peace and thrown back into the fire, a second chance at life with my family and friends, even with Spike... And the world was suffering because of it.

Anya had said it best herself. Maybe the world would have been better off if I had just stayed dead. I knew that was what everyone was thinking. Maybe not Dawn or my mother, and definitely not Spike... But the Potentials definitely felt that way. They looked at me like I was to blame for why they were in danger of being hunted down and killed.

And even my friends. They looked like they regretted their decision to bring me back. Even if they felt bad before when they learned I was in heaven, they didn't regret bringing me back or anything since then. But now, with all our lives on the line because of what they did... Even if they didn't hold resentment in their eyes like the Potentials did, the regret and shame was there. And the blame, but it was them blaming themselves for my resurrection. And I was just a walking, talking reminder of everything they did wrong.