It was meant to be

2 - Alone

Hardin

I stay in silence for a while until the nurse comes back.

"All good in here?"

"Yeah... Do you know if the parents of my wife arrived?"

"Yes. They are seeing her right now. If you want to go there, I can take the baby."

"I don't think I can see her..."

"Why not?"

"I want to remember her alive. I don't want to remember her as a corpse. Pale and unconscious. She was always happy. I want to remember in that way."

"That's totally alright, Mr. Scott." She says and the baby starts to cry and I panic.

"What's wrong?"

"I think he's hungry."

"How I can know why he's crying?"

"It depends on the sound or the gestures. With time, you will learn everything. I'll prepare him a bottle. Do you have a dummy?"

"Yeah, we have one in that bag." I point to the baby's bag we bought. The nurse finds the dummy and she hands it to me. I move it to baby's mouth and he starts to suck it.

"It's just temporary, but he's hungry and I'm going to make some formula."

"Can I see how you prepare it?"

"Sure." I walk to the counter and I watch the nurse preparing the formula for the baby. "His stomach is really small and I'm making only 60 milliliters of milk. The water must be warm and you add as many spoons as you see on the box. You mix it in the bottle and you check on your wrist to see if it's too warm." She checks the milk and then she hands me the bottle. I stick it in the baby's mouth and he starts to eat." What a good boy... "

After a few minutes, he's done and he's asleep. It was easy for now, but when I will be alone... I don't know how I'm going to do this alone, but I will try to do anything I can to offer this little guy everything he needs.

I stay with the baby because I'm afraid of what might happen if I met with Mary and Will. What if they will think I'm guilty for their daughter's death? What if they will take him away from me?

The nurse comes back and I see my mother, Mary and Will behind her.

Nurse: "They are here to see the baby."

Trish: "Oh... He's adorable..." She says as she touches the baby's head.

Mary: "He looks exactly like Natalie." She slowly cries. "May I hold him, Hardin?"

Hardin: "Yes." I gently pass the baby to Mary. "I'm really sorry."

Will: "For what exactly are sorry, son? You didn't do anything wrong. The doctor told us it was a complication. Natalie lost a lot of blood and they couldn't save her."

Hardin: "I feel so guilty... I lost her and I don't know how I'm going to take care of a newborn by myself..." I say and I close my eyes.

Trish: "Hardin... we are going to support you with everything you need."

Mary: "Trish is right. We're going to help you with everything you need. Natalie is present in this baby."

Will: "Do you have a name?"

Hardin: "No. We didn't think about names... But... I want one of his names to be Nathaniel. For Natalie."

Mary: "Thank you, honey." She smiles and she kisses the baby. "What about Auden?"

Will: "I honestly like it."

Hardin: "Auden?"

Mary: "This is the name of Natalie's first baby doll."

Hardin: "Yeah... Auden Nathaniel Scott. I like it."

A few days later...

"Welcome home, Auden..." I say as I let the car seat on the empty couch. Natalie should be there, but she's not. Her ashes are on the coffee table, a reminder of her existence. Me and her parents decided to incinerate her. And maybe someday, me and Auden will slowly splatter her ashes in the places she loved the most while she lived.

I take the baby out of the car seat and I walk upstairs, in his room. Our room because I'm not sleeping in the master bedroom. I have a lot of memories of Nat there and I don't want to be hurt. When we designed the baby's nursery, we decided to add a one-single bed in this room and that's where I will sleep.

Since the baby was born, I learned how to take care of him. It will be hard, but I have to be strong for him. I will be the best father for our son, Nat. I promise. He won't feel your absence as my mother and yours will be the feminine presence in his life. About me... I will be fine by myself. I don't need anyone in my life. I don't want more kids. I don't want someone else to go through what you went. Auden will be my life from now on and I will look after him until the day I die.

Later that day...

I'm sitting on the couch, with Auden on my shoulder after I fed him, waiting for my mother. Since we're home, Auden was a nice boy. He cried when he was hungry or when his diaper was full. Until now, he's an easy baby. But I hope the night will go well. I hear the door and my mother comes in with a bag in her hand.

"Hello, honey."

"Hi, mum."

"How's the baby?"

"Good."

"I'm staying with you for a few days if that's alright."

"Yeah, it's okay..."

"Do you want me to stay with him? So you can get some rest?"

"I'm good. I took a nap when he slept. Thanks for coming."

"I bought some food. Do you want to heat it for you?"

"Yes, please."

After a few minutes, I go to the kitchen to have dinner. I give the baby to my mother and I start to eat. I don't know what I would do without her. She's an angel and I'm grateful for my mother.

"Thank you, mum. I don't know what I would do without your help."

"You are my son. I would do anything for you, honey. And now, I would do anything for this little guy."

"He needs both of you in his life. You are the only feminine presence in his life."

"And we will be a part of his life. He won't feel the absence of his mother. But you know... At some point, you will need to find someone."

"No. I'm not going to fall in love again. I will focus on work and on raising Auden. I don't need anyone. I will be good all by myself."

"Hardin..."

"Nope, enough. Nat just died. I don't even want to think about this."

"Okay."

"Thank you for understanding me."