IN TIME | Tenjiku

Sixteen

Leaning to live again after nearly dying was one thing, but the constant reminders of Baji was another. It had been a couple of months since he passed away and I had been seeing my psychiatrist regularly. I had thought I was fine - cleaning manically, staying up all night studying, partying with Zoe, and even smiling and talking a lot. 

Turns out I wasn't fine. After coming out of a very short depressive episode, I was full on manic. I wouldn't just clean, I would clean. I would scrub every nook and cranny of the house, rewash the dishes because they weren't clean enough to me, and vacuum the same spot over and over until I felt like it was, well, clean. 

I would stay up all night and get little sleep. My homework and handwriting had to perfect. I had convinced myself that my future depends on it, which to be fair, it does. Running off little to no sleep, I still felt euphoric and happy. 

Zoe had mentioned one night that I was talking too much and talking too fast. She could barely understand what I was saying as she sat there just staring at me. I was telling her a story about a guy who had walked up to me at school and asked for my number. Of course, I told him no but not only did I tell him no, I told him to fuck off as I knew he was one of the lower range delinquents in our area. 

I had even forgotten my own birthday and when my mother and friends surprised me with a cake and presents, I was confused. My mother knew instantly what was wrong. She had been a nurse for many years and recognized the signs and symptoms of different mental disorders. 

At first, with the cleaning and perfectionist aspect of my whole identity, she thought I had developed obsessive compulsive disorder. However, for the first time in her life with a medical diagnoses, she was wrong. 

"Bipolar Disorder, type one to be specific," My psychiatrist said as she looked at my mother and I, "She tends to have more mania than she does depressive episodes. What happened with her boyfriend should've, without a doubt, made her depressed. But the depression episode didn't last long, thus, throwing her into a manic episode right after. It's the way her brain copes with emotions. Her chemicals are unbalanced, which means she needs to be on antipsychotics, not antidepressants. She also needs to be on a benzodiazepine to combat any rage or anxiety she may feel..." 

Her words began to trail off as I stared blankly into the wall. Luckily, with this appointment, my mother attended and was paying full attention. There was no way I was able to process all of the information myself. 

In the car on the way to pick up my new prescriptions, my mother lectured me on the importance of taking both meds everyday and not skipping whatsoever. 

"I understand mom, thanks." I mumbled while looking out the window. 

"I also want you to stop hanging out with those hoodlums you call friends. They're nothing but trouble and you'll end up just like Kaine, or worse, dead." She stated. My mother was normally never serious, but after my suicide attempt, that's when she decided to be a normal parent. 

"I got it! Okay?" I lowkey snapped at her. I was tired of her lecturing me about Kaine and what not. I wasn't going to end up like him at all. I wasn't even in a fucking gang, I was just affiliated I guess. We had stopped by the pharmacy and she threw the car in park with a jolt. 

"I get it. You're sixteen now. You think you're grown, but you're not. Kaine thought he was grown and look-" I cut her off instantly. 

"Damnit, I'm not Kaine!" I snapped at her again, full force this time. She looked at me with pure shock in her eyes. 

"You're not yourself either." She stated before getting out of the car and going inside the pharmacy. She had been extremely overbearing since the incidents. I understand, or I at least tried to understand. 

I was staring out of the window when I heard my phone buzz. It was Zoe texting me. 

Zoe: How was the appt? 

Me: Fine. I'm Bipolar.

Zoe: Imma meet u at ur house in ab an hour.  

I closed my phone. Great, another one to lecture me about taking my meds even though I think she should be on them instead with her spastic ass. My mother was now walking to the car, meds in tow. 

"Klonopin and Lamictal." She said as she handed me the bag and I began to read the directions. 

"Can we get some food?" I asked softly as she started the car. She nodded and smiled at me. I'm surprised she didn't slap me across the face with the way I just snapped at her. 

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We arrived back at home to see Zoe sitting on the porch. She must have walked since her mother was at work. 

"You have a key, ya know?" I hollered at her as I closed the car door and my mother was getting out of the driver's side. 

"I'm enjoying the weather," She sat there looking as if she was freezing, "Okay I lost my key." Zoe was a dumbass but I loved her. I rolled my eyes and we headed inside. 

"So what crazy meds do they got you on now?" Zoe asked while peeking in the bags. My mother looked at her like she was stupid and Zoe simply replied: "All jokes, Amber!" 

"It's weird that she said you needed to be on an antipsychotic, but she put you on an anticonvulsant instead." My mother made the comment while she looked at the bottle. 

"Maybe I just need to try this medication combination first to see how it works?" I questioned. 

"Doctors don't make sense sometimes. Anyways, you can't drink on either one of these, understood?" I nodded my head and said a quick "yes ma'am" before walking back to my room with Zoe after grabbing some water to take my first dose of meds. 

We got to my room and I swallowed the pills as soon as I sat down on the bed. Zoe sat in the chair in the corner of my room and began talking non-stop about Ran Haitani and how she's been texting him all day. 

"His younger brother, Rindou, remember? Yeah he thinks you're cute." She said as I took another sip of water. I flipped my head over and put my long black hair into a ponytail. 

"Aren't they like, two or three years older than us?" I asked as I laid down on the bed, facing the ceiling. 

"Yeah, well, Ran is nineteen I believe and Rindou is eighteen. They're only a year or so apart." She replied. Makes sense, I thought, I had never dated an older guy. Suddenly, I got the urge to check my social media after months of not checking it. 

I opened my laptop and logged into Mixi.