Connor's Tale - A Jonnor story

Chapter 4 - Confessions

"Ok, so where do we start?" Connor said looking at the girls.  To be honest, he was scared, scared of what they were going to say and even of what he would say, but he knew that the air needed to be cleared, he owed Daria that, and he was really tired of having to fight to keep things inside. He just wanted to be himself now.  He had spent so much time trying to be the guy that others wanted him to be – the jock for his friends on the soccer and baseball teams, the perfect son for his father, the popular boyfriend for Daria... the only person who had ever just wanted him to be happy, to be himself, was Jude. He so badly wanted to find him and talk to him, but he knew it would be a mistake right now. Now, he was going to take care of this.

"Um," Daria started to say when she realized that Taylor was not going to say anything yet, "I am still confused. It sounded like you said to Logan that you and Jude were together and were gay, but Jude said he wasn't gay. Does that mean that you are and he isn't? I mean," Daria struggled to find the words to ask Connor "what are you?"

Connor looked at her and gave a partial smile "A person."

"No, that came out wrong" Daria was so embarrassed "that's not what I meant to say. This should not be this hard to talk about. How about this...why did you break up with me?"

Connor took a deep breath and thought carefully about what he wanted to say. Organizing his thoughts he looked at Daria and said "I broke up with you when I realized that I couldn't go on pretending that I wasn't gay. I had known it, but I didn't want to admit it, especially not to my dad – he was not accepting of me even having gay friends let alone me being gay. But after getting shot, I decided that I wasn't going to live my life according to someone else's idea of who I should be. I was going to be honest with myself and those closest to me. That meant that I had to stop pretending to like girls."

"The second reason was that I liked someone else, and I knew I was treating both of you wrong by lying to you and to him" Connor finished.

"You mean Jude" Daria said feeling much calmer than she would have believed possible. "The two of you wanted to be together."

"No. I said I wanted to be with Jude, I didn't say how he felt" Connor replied.

"Come on Connor," Daria replied "it's pretty obvious that Jude is the one you liked and that he liked you back."

Connor looked at Daria and then took a few moments to look at Taylor who was watching them closely as well as listening carefully before he replied. "No. I am not willing to discuss anything that Jude said, did, thought, or felt. That is his story to tell, not mine.  Daria, I will answer any question you want about me and what I did, but not about him. I have caused him a lot of pain and grief with my decisions and actions and I am done hurting Jude. Until or unless he gives me permission, I don't speak on his behalf."

Daria and Taylor turned to look at each other silently before looking back at Connor. They could see the determination in how his face was set. He wasn't kidding.

"Wow, you really do have it bad for him," Taylor whispered, "I thought that you guys were just fooling around maybe or something, but you really care for him, don't you?"

"More than you know" Connor replied. The girls could tell that he wanted to say more, but he was holding back all the words about Jude that he wanted to share. But he had made his choice, he wasn't going to speak about their relationship without Jude's okay.

"Okay," Daria said carefully, "I can accept that limitation. You did say that you would answer any question I asked about you?"

"Yes"

"Did you ever have feelings for me?" Daria asked, "Did you ever think that we could be together?"

Connor closed his eyes and took a deep breath, he had really hoped that Daria would not ask this question, at least not to start with. Opening his eyes, he looked at the two girls before focusing on Daria "No."