Connor's Tale - A Jonnor story

Chapter 5 - Connor - B.J. (Before Jude)

"I am not sure when exactly I noticed that my dad had an issue with anything that could be considered feminine or girly because it didn't seem to come up." Connor began "I remember always doing a lot with my dad; fishing, playing catch, hiking, well really any kind of physical activity.  Dad worked a lot, but he always had time for me.  As I got older, he got me involved with baseball and I decided that I wanted to play soccer as well.  I'm not sure exactly how he felt about that. He didn't seem to like soccer as much as baseball, but he was supportive, but I don't think it was the same."  Connor looked up at the girls as he tried to explain.

"You see, my dad played baseball when he was a kid.  Played it all through high school and even in college. But he wasn't good enough to play professionally.  I always wondered if the reason he was always pushing me to play was that he wanted me to be able to do what he couldn't."  Connor sighed and looked around, just in case Jude might be where he could spot him.  "It wasn't bad or anything, I mean I really liked sports and the stuff we did and while he could be pretty intense about it, I kinda was too.  I wanted to be the best player, I wanted to win, but I think the biggest difference was that when we didn't win, it didn't really upset me.  I enjoyed playing, and I liked to win, but just being on the team, trying hard, knowing that I did my best, was enough.  But it wasn't for my dad."

"What do you mean" Daria asked?

"If I made a mistake or did something wrong, then my dad would want to drill over and over again until I got it down right." 

"That doesn't sound fun" Taylor said

"Actually," Connor replied, "It wasn't really that bad.  I mean, that is what our coaches did.  We drilled and practiced until we had mastered skills and techniques.  If we messed up, we had to work to be better.  The more you played and practiced something, the better you got.  And its not like I didn't enjoy getting better at things.  But sometime in sixth grade, things started changing.  It seemed that my dad was less happy with what I could do and more upset when I messed up or someone was better.   Before he was always proud when I did something, but now his entire focus was on my faults.  It was getting less like fun, and more like a chore or something I had to do."

"I think that is why I started enjoying soccer more than baseball because my dad wasn't as invested in it and the whole team had to work as a whole to make us win.  Baseball seemed more, I don't know, lonely.  You were on a team, but when you were at bat, you were on your own.  It just was different.  But outside of sports, going fishing or hiking was still really fun with him and he even helped me set up a gym routine so I could work out and get stronger.  The only thing we didn't really do was hunting and that was because my mom wouldn't allow it.  That was one time she really fought with my dad.  But honestly, I didn't really like the idea of killing anything, so it wasn't much of a loss."

"So, it sounds like he was actually okay" Daria said, "I guess I thought it was all bad based on what I had heard."

"No, it wasn't all bad," Connor replied. "I mean he was tough, but he's my dad and I love him.  I want him to be proud of me.  I was willing to do the things he liked because I knew he wanted me to do them.  When we did good, man he was so happy and proud.  But when things changed and I wanted to do other things, you know, be myself and not a smaller version of him, that's when we started having problems.  It felt like I was being forced to wear someone else's clothes - they didn't fit me or feel right, but I couldn't really explain why."

"Things got worse with the divorce.  When my mom and dad decided to split up, I was going back and forth between them.  Mom was working hard and it was in seventh grade, actually not too long after I met Jude, that she got a big promotion.  It started that they just wanted her to travel more, so I was spending more time at my dad's than before and then she got a really good offer to get an even better job.  The problem was that it was in Hong Kong."