What have I done...?

Chapter 44

"When you say, 'really bad', just how bad was it? If it gets worse than earlier, then how much worse can it get?!"

"St. Vladimir's guardian, shadow kissed Anna, killed herself because of the darkness."

Alberta gasped, as her hand flew up to cover her gaping mouth in shock. I could see not only worry and fear in her eyes, for lyubov' moya, but I could also see that fear inducing tears as they tried to form. But Alberta is as strong or almost as strong as lyubov' moya, so she, just like angel moya would not ever allow them to fall in front of anyone either. (my love, my love, my)

"When Adrian was almost twenty-one years old, he had a massive battle with the darkness. And he almost certainly would have succeeded at killing himself if Ivan and I had not found him when we did. He had already slit both of his arms open along the entire vein from the heel of his hand all the way up to his elbow. And as he tried to fight us off, so that he could die, the same thing that happened to Roza earlier happened to Adrian. By that I mean the darkness talking through him. And Roza's latest battle with it before she left the ski lodge..." I did not even have the words because the fear was still far too fresh in my heart and mind, and it still held me so firmly in its grasp. Even though I did not learn of that attack until afterwards. Although I had already seen Adrian that way, seeing what happened to Roza moya earlier scared me all the way to the deepest depths of my very soul. (my)

"It gets so bad sometimes that you either want to kill someone else or yourself. Usually it is yourself, but occasionally the rage will focus in on someone else, someone specific. The fight at the ski lodge was so bad that I almost lost it, and if Dimitri hadn't come to me exactly when he did. Then I am almost certain that I would have most definitely lost that fight. And I would have either went after and killed Natasha Ozera or Jessie Zeklos, or I would have killed myself. One or the other, it didn't really matter to me at the time which one it was. But I just KNEW that one of the three us had to die. But thankfully Dimitri got there before I decided which one of us it would be. Although I don't remember this last fight, here, I do remember most of the fight at the ski lodge. And if Dimitri had not knocked on my door right in the moment that he did and convinced me that he does in fact love me. If he had not broken through the depression, the self-hatred, the self-loathing, the feelings that I don't matter, that my life doesn't matter, that my entire life had been a waste of time, that all of the people that I love and care about wanted me out of their lives forever. Then I am one hundred percent certain that I would have taken that razor blade, that I hid under my mattress when he knocked on the door. And I would have done one of two things with it, I would have either slit both of my arms open with it or I would have found Natasha or Jessie and slit one of their throats. All of that is why Lissa cuts... well, used to cut. I try to take the darkness from her before it gets that bad for her again."

"And in exchange for you doing that for her, it does that to you instead of to her?!" Abe cried out in fear and worry for his daughter, his only child. And poor Alberta looked aghast and horrified at finding out the lengths of which Roza moya does and has gone through for Lissa. Guardians protect their charges every day. But the lengths that Roza moya has gone to in order to protect Lissa. Far exceed the limit that any guardian should ever have to go to in order to protect their charge. (my, my)

"Yes. But you must realize something baba. It is drilled into the hearts and minds of we dhampir that we don't matter, that only the moroi matter, all of our lives. That starts pretty much from the very first moment that we ever arrive at the academy. And I have been there a hell of a lot longer than the other novices in my class." (daddy)

"Why have you been there longer?"

"Because Janine left me there before I even turned five years old. Most dhampir are not mentally, emotionally, and physiologically indoctrinated into the mental and emotional part of the guardian way of life until they are at the very least eight or ten years old. Depending on when they actually start going to the academy. Normally we start our physical training when we first arrive at the age of seven. But as I said, I'm not normal so I started before I was even five years old. One of my very first memories, is of Janine yelling at me telling me that I didn't matter to anyone. That no one would ever care if I lived or died, that no one did or ever would love me. That because I am a dhampir, that I am and always will be unworthy of love, that I am expendable and disposable to everyone and I always will be. 'Just like used toilet paper,' were her exact words actually. That the moroi would always be better and more important than me. That just because you..." She stopped talking all of the sudden and looked as if what she was about to say slipped out even though she didn't mean for it to.