Whispers of Fate

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"Come on baby, how bad could it be?" Jake was driving as I sulked in the passenger seat of the car. It was the night before Lea's wedding we were on our way to the hotel, where I was meant to help her prepare. Jake had booked a separate room at a hotel a little way down the street, to 'give me some space'. That was code for he wanted nothing to do with the wedding party but was too polite to say anything.

"Speak to me, Grace. You've had a pout for the last half an hour. If you hate this woman so much why are you her bridesmaid?"

How could I tell him it wasn't the bride I was dreading, but the best man?

I'd already suffered through one rehearsal dinner with him, where he gave the most entertaining, charming speech about the happy couple, detailing how he met Tom on a film set and how thrilled he was that Tom had finally found a woman he didn't have to act happy with. It was beautiful, hilarious and altogether the worst fifteen minutes of my year. I hated that everyone loved him. I hated that he seemed to love everyone back.

Except me. He didn't speak or look at me once, only acknowledging my presence when prompted to by the wedding photographer. It wasn't that I wanted him to fall to his knees and beg for my forgiveness – I was already happy with Jake. It was just weird that someone who once made me weak at the knees had now essentially forgotten me. It was like all the time we spent together had just disappeared.

There is no worse feeling than having some of your favourite memories become one-sided.

But of course, I couldn't explain it to Jake. Part of me was worried he'd be annoyed at me for not telling him sooner. Part of me was scared that he would refuse to let me participate, and whilst I didn't like having to see Teo in this way I would hate not seeing him at all. This could very well be the last time we were ever in the same room and I needed to spend this last day admiring him, like I had done once when we were younger. Even if he was not mine to admire, even if I would never be his again. I couldn't deny myself this last, selfish look.

So I shrugged and blamed my attitude on hormones and stared out of the window again. It was better for him to be happy in ignorance than worry with reason.

Lea's wedding was exactly like Lea: beautiful, extravagant and cold. Oh it was so, so cold. Whoever had decided a winter wedding was a good idea was wrong. It hadn't clocked on for me that it would be a winter wedding until Lea had also ordered a custom white mink shawl to go over the dress.

They'd picked a beautiful venue, outdoors with white arches strung with fairy lights. The reception was in a converted barn and the whole event took place in a vineyard belonging to one of Lea's parents friends. The only problem was that the bridesmaid dress that I was expected to don the whole day was barely two scraps of silk. Gorgeous, but definitely not winter clothing.

At least the bridesmaid gowns were large and fluffy. I was sat in Lea's suite, face mask drying and listening to Lea's sister go on about this man she'd been seeing recently.

"And like, he's rich but he's just not got that charm, you know? I want mafia boss, not golf champion." Eria (pronounced Ah-ray, for some absurd reason) was sipping at a glass of the most expensive champagne I'd ever seen. Even I, who had been sober for over a year now, had to have a taste of it. It was a combination of rose, cherry and some foreign vanilla-esque flavour that was apparently '100% sourced ethically', as Lea had chirped.

All the bridesmaids had odd names that I couldn't remember. There was five of us altogether, not including Lea. So far I'd learned Eria (the sister), Clemetina (childhood best friend) and Naia (colleague??). I was yet to learn the name of the brunette sat next to Lea, who had remained basically silent the whole evening. She just observed, occasionally raising a shockingly-dark eyebrow as a reaction.