'Til Death do us Part // a Stolitz angst fanfic

Pretend

TW: Mention of sexual assault, trauma

STOLAS POV:

It's all too clear in my mind's eye.

And yet, everything about it seems uncertain.

Was it even really as bad as it is in my head?

My father was just urging me to be the best I could be, to be independent, never relying on him.

Stella was just trying to fulfill our duties as a part of the Ars Goetia. We needed a precautionary heir, that's all it was for. Right?

Nothing more.

And I am being dramatic for crying every time I can almost feel her hands on me, hearing my father's voice ringing in my ears.

It was only them trying to help me, help our family. It is my own fault for being the way I am, always taking everything out of proportion.

I want someone to hold me. To let me pour my heart out, to spill all my trauma. But I don't know if there's anyone who will let me do that.

More than that, I don't know if I could bring myself to do that. I want to, so badly. More than words can say. But I'm not sure if my body will allow me.

I realize where I am. Blitzø is right in front of me. I'm in my room. The look in Blitzø's eyes...

Before I realize what I'm doing, I fling myself towards Blitzø, clinging to him tighter than I thought possible.

BLITZØ POV:

I am stunned. He came to me. He is crying in my arms. I'm the one he trusts enough to do that.

Maybe he really does love me.

Sure, he has cried in my arms before, but not like this.

Tears roll down his face. Pained, agonizing sobs leave his lips.

It breaks my heart to see him like this. But at the same time, I know he needs this. More than anything.
I hold him tight. I will protect him. From anything.

And as much as I don't want to admit it, he is in danger. Real danger.

And there's not a whole lot I can do.

I want to tell him what's after him. Who's after him.

But I can't. If I do, it could only worry him further.

What should I do? Obviously, I will stay here with him. But like, how do I protect him? Sure, I'm an assassin, but what if...

What if I can't protect him?

STOLAS POV:

His arms bring me comfort. Comfort I'm not sure I fully deserve.

Either way though, I have him here. For once, I am crying into his arms, not into my pillow. I am really being held, not just hugging a blanket and pretending.

All it had ever been was pretend up until now.

The love Stella felt for me, the happiness and strength I showed to the world. It was all just pretend.

But this? This is real. The love he feels for me. It's real.

Sometimes I'm not sure if he really does care. But the kind words he utters are genuine. He makes me feel cared about. For real.

I want to stay like this forever. I want to spill my guts to him, trust that he will listen. The words fight to leave my lips, but all that comes out are sobs.

The only words I manage to get out are a small "I'm sorry."

He looks taken aback.

"What do you have to be sorry for? Nothing was your fault."

I try to calm myself. Tears drip down my face. I finally get my crying down to an occasional sob here or there.

I manage to get a few words out.

"For being like this."

"What? I love you the way you are. I love you for your best times, but especially for your worst. We need each other."

His words… I'm not sure how to feel. Why would he possibly love me for my worst?

"But... I am so.... I just... What have I done to deserve your love? Why should you love me when nobody else has?"

He rubs my back. It feels so good, but I feel guilty for letting myself be comforted.

"Stolas, you are such an amazing person. You treat me so well despite all you have been through."

I stay silent. Guilt sets in more. I should be able to handle all this on my own. I am a pathetic excuse for a man.

"Stolas?"

"Yeah?"

"What's on your mind? I... I want you to be able to talk to me. I want to help you."

I am stunned. I sit upright, wiping tears off my face.

"W-what?"

"You have been through so much. It must be so hard to keep that all in all the time. If you're ready, you can talk to me."

He takes my hand, intertwining his fingers with mine.

AUTHORS NOTES:
Ummmm... yeah it's been a while. I have been really busy lately, and haven't been able to think of anything to write about. Let's hope Full Moon is out today to supply me with ideas! After Full Moon, you can probably expect a lot more chapters.