'Til Death do us Part // a Stolitz angst fanfic

Better for Everyone

TW: Suicidal ideation, mention of self harm

BLITZØ POV:

Damn it.

I still have no idea who the hell sent those messages, but I do know one thing.

Stolas is in danger.

I'm sure he probably knows, but I don't want to make him feel worse than he already does. I don't... want him to lose trust in me.

Trust I'm not sure I fully deserve.

I pet his feathers as he is curled up in my lap. He is trembling. He... he is terrified.

The realization hits me like a ton of bricks. He needs me. And I don't want to leave him, he can't be left alone. Especially not now.

STOLAS POV:

I am so tired of living like this. Constantly in fear, constantly in danger. And even though I have Blitzø, I am still not sure if I will ever be okay again.

I don't know if I deserve to be okay.

I mean, sure, I'm a prince. But I am about the least important prince. Like, what have stars ever done for anyone? Been pretty to look at?

All I have ever been is a tool. Because I am unimportant, people can kick me around and it has little to no impact on anything except me. I have learned to deal with pain, even crave it.

Pain is all I know. Pain is familiar. Pain feels like home. It makes me feel alive. And now that Stella is out of the picture for now, everything is different. Unfamiliar.

I should be glad we got the divorce, I don't have to see her anymore. Don't have to bear that pain. But the less pain I'm in, the more I crave it. I need it. I miss, as weird as it sounds, the thrill of seeing my own blood drip onto the floor.

I don't want to feel okay.

As I lay curled up and trembling in Blitzø's arms, my mind swirls with terrifying thoughts. I want it all to stop.

And I know I am safe in his arms, but I don't know if I deserve that safety. I'm not sure what's after me, if it wants to kill me or not. But what if my death would be better for the world?

BLITZØ POV:

He is in pain. I can see it, I can feel it.

"Stolas..."

He looks up at me, wiping tears from his eyes.

"What?"

I look at him as lovingly as I can. Whether he wants it or not, I am gonna be here for him.

"I can tell something is going on. Y-you don't have to tell me, but y'know... I'm here."

Stolas takes a deep breath. He climbs off my lap, sits next to me. He still trembles. His eyes are still full of fear.

"I just... I don't know what's coming for me. That I can accept and be okay with. But... what if who or whatever it is wants me dead? What if..."

I stroke his feathers. Even in his broken state, he is the most beautiful demon I have ever seen.

"What if me being dead is what is best? What if whoever it is... is right? I don't know... if I want to know the answer. I feel like I might be able to rest easier knowing that dying... was best."

I am taken aback. He... genuinely believes that.

"Wha... Stolas..."

I am lost for words. I knew he was hurting but... he would be perfectly okay with... not existing.

"H-how... how long have you felt like this?"

"I don't know. I..." his eyes are glossy with tears. He is curled up, hugging his knees. "Always, I suppose..."

"Stolas... who didn't you... tell me?"

I already knew the answer. Because he didn't think I would care. Because I was the imp who wanted nothing from him but sex.

"Because I knew you would give everything up to protect me."

STOLAS POV:

I am trembling, worse than before. I don't look up at Blitzø, afraid of how he might react.

"I knew you would stop looking after yourself to make sure I was okay."

Just then, I feel warm hands wrap around me.

"I didn't want you to make your own life worse just to make mine better."

I bury my face in his chest. I cling onto him tighter than I have ever clung onto anything. More desperately than I have ever held anything or anyone. Nobody has ever cared for me the way he does.

"Stolas, I..."

"I'm so sorry, Blitzø."

"Don't apologize. I promise, you have nothing to be sorry for."

All I want is to stay in his arms, to not feel this pain anymore.

For once, I didn't want pain. all I wanted was the safety he provided.

AUTHORS NOTES:

Another chapter! Like I said, back to our regularly scheduled angst. Not to spoil anything, but even MORE angst is coming. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!