The Thread Tied: Red

Trial and Error

"One has to try repeated, varied attempts to solve a problem, which are continued until success, or until the practicer stops trying."

For some reason, Kalini was nowhere to be seen, neither in college, nor in hostel, where she was more often than not visible with her skateboard. Yeah. She was a "Wonder Woman", who kept me wondering, if there is anything she doesn't know how to do and importantly, as to who the fuck wears shorts in mid-winter. I don't think, I'll ever be close enough to ask that question to her in person.

Kalini and Deeya had gotten closer than before and their mutual love for coffee was a matter of my side eye. Deeya asked me one afternoon, "Kalini di is nowhere to be seen these days, right?"

"I don't know man, she must be bored of us, who keeps juniors mingling around them? She is in fifth year, she'll go soon, anyways." Surprisingly, that gave me an unwanted tinge of sadness.

"Come on... don't say it like that, I think she is not here. Otherwise, she'd have been on her skateboard all day round."

That earned my smile, "That's true, I haven't seen anyone skate before, in reality. And not in a million years, a girl."

"Oh Yes! I forgot she is a girl. She never behaves like one and-"

"Those short hair doesn't help."

"EXACTLY! You know she has that... you know..." tries to say by gestures.

"Sex Appeal?"

"Bro, remind me to team up with you next time we play dumb charades. Exactly my point, I mean, she is fit, good looking, knows every-fucking-thing in the world, and is so nonchalant about it! She is so cool."

"I know right. To be honest, I think I might have a little crush on her?" sitting in her chair, she looked at me with a god speed and amusement in her eyes, "Really??"

"I mean...just admiration, you know. Although..."

"Although?" Now excited.

"I wouldn't mind... trying it with her..." Embarrassed.

"Did Kaalini just turn you into a lesbian?"

"NO! IDIOT, I'M STRAIGHT...! But you know she said to explore... she can be my next expedition."

"Woah! But who wouldn't want to try bro. I feel you."

And that, hit me like a brick.

Who wouldn't want to try?

What if she has someone in her life, what if she isn't interested into me like that, even I can't understand my feelings yet, how can I ever ask her, what will I even ask her? What is happening with me? Hadn't it been like that always, I admired people's beauty and moved on, what is this strong urge I feel for her? There's no way I can confirm all this stuff. Not with her. I need to keep my distance, if I don't want to get entangled in something I am not ready for.

Surprisingly, that thought never crossed my mind as to her having a boyfriend... God! I am furious. But would I admit it? No way in hell.

With that said, a knock was heard on the door, and we found a well-dressed, Kalini in front of us, with a bag hanging on her back. She looked relatively small.

Cute.

I mentally slapped myself for the thought and kept my stoic face.

"Hello kids, missed me?" Deeya hugged Kalini whereas, she looked at me. I kept a small smile and went back to my blank face.

"Di! Where did you go? Yes, we did miss you."

"Ah! Went to a friend-cum-senior's marriage."

"Well, you forgot to tell Deeya, she missed you a lot and kept cribbing about your handmade coffee, I guess its high time you owe her one." I spoke.

She said confused, "No, I did tell a junior to tell you guys. I waited outside for you guys to wakeup but since you guys are heavy sleepers and I couldn't wait any longer, I had to leave. Seems like my message wasn't received by you. And regarding missing me, She did, and you didn't?" she asked.

"You see..." I pack my bag and put it on my back, "I'm not a big fan of coffee." With that I tell Deeya to hurry for the class, and leave after saying my 'byes' to Kalini.

Somethings are not meant to be. And Kalini, was one of them.

That morning, I had bad intuition that something bad is going to happen and yeah it occurred. Deeya fainted from her period pain and I was feeling extremely guilty because I was the one who denied everyone the pleasure of sitting in the shuttle, giving the logic that walking is good for health. My frustration towards Kalini and guilt and remorse towards Deeya, made me cry. Although, Deeya was absolutely fine and had asked me to relax, yet I couldn't help my emotions and one of our mutual friends, Tanya Malhotra consoled me. Tanya was 2-3 years older than all of us, due to some unknown reasons (she dropped because of her boyfriend issues) she took a gap year and was here finally. She had an influential background, so called politically connected. But for a girl of such a Hi-Fi background, she was an absolute piece of sh-... show-off and in general I kept my distance from her.

Anyways, grief doesn't see a person, it only seeks comfort that she was providing me that time. In that shared time, we had a moment to ourself and I wouldn't deny the spark between us that led to one thing to another. We were both of the view, that we wanted to see and 'explore' ourselves regarding our sexual orientation and our likes or dislikes. I told Deeya about it, though she didn't disagree, she wasn't very much positive about it too. I and Tanya went to my room, and I reminded Tanya that she has a boyfriend, and he might object to it. She said, "See, I own my body, and me and my boyfriend have agreed that as long as we are not cheating emotionally on each other, we can get physical with professionals, or a one-time thing. And this doesn't mean anything to me, does it to you?"

"No." I said honestly. She was a means of taking my frustration out, nothing more, nothing less and she knew that.

Out of all the things I'm not proud of, this make-out session, stands at a glorious second position, for multiple reasons, because one, she cheated on her boyfriend with me, no matter what crap she says. Two, she made me insecure about my kissing skills, well, I technically never had one, and kissing a kid in first grade when you were in third grade, because you found them cute doesn't count. Third, it wasn't her I was enjoying. It lasted twenty minutes till the second base and all I did was imagine Kalini doing all that stuff to me, touching me in all the inappropriate places, kissing me, biting me, lastly, cuddling me. I wondered how would she do it like? Would it be like this? I don't like her touching me, or kissing me.

I wish it was her.

I made sure to end it quickly, where no doubt Tanya was good cuddler, I never wanted to be in her arms, ever again. They didn't feel like they were made for me. I spoke afterwards, "Tanya, don't take this otherwise, but I don't think I want to do it again with you or anyone for that matter, because now, I want to do it with someone I'm in love with."

She made quite a face, an amused and furious one, but nodded anyways and left. Deeya got hold of me afterwards and asked me about it. I told her the necessary details as to how I didn't want to do it again and about her making a face. She scoffed, "I am not even surprised, she is just pissed off that she didn't get to reject you and got rejected instead by you. Apparently, she thought of you as her only equivalent counterpart and that if she bosses you around, she'll get the necessary attention as the 'queen bee' she is." Rolling her eyes.

That earned my laugh, Deeya was such a gossip girl with her spicy drama. "Hey... I want to tell you something..."

"Did she make you uncomfortable?" she asked concerned.

"No, it's just, I was with her but my mind wasn't."

"Then where was it?"

"Um...with Kalini ..."

"YOU WHAT?!"

"Does she know?"

"OFCOURSE NOT!"

"Bro... do you like Kalini? Like not just admiration... but like like? Because if that's the case you need to tell this... To your boyfriend."

I think I know what I forgot.