BTS Sick-/Hurtfic

Borderline personality disorder - Hoseok

Requested by: fairyxkth
TW: terminal illness, medical treatment, hospitalisation, suicidal ideation, depression, collapse, BPD

Inspired by myself

Hoseok was a happy person, always laughing and a walking sunshine, or so people thought. Unfortunately, he hadn't felt that way for a few months. Nobody noticed, but a mental illness was developing.

He hid it from his family, the staff, the fans, and his best friends, BTS.

Hoseok quietly distanced himself from the members. It wasn't that he stopped laughing and joking, but he didn't do anything with them anymore. He only went to the studio with them, ate, and slept together.

Maybe the others thought that Hoseok didn't want to be with them, but when he saw the others having fun and laughing together, he felt left out and unwanted. It hurts so much, HURTS so much.

Hoseok is about to cry but holds it back. It's a terrible feeling. It feels like he can't breathe. He feels strange, and his eyes burn, but he still doesn't let the tears flow. 

Panic attack?

What is wrong with him? No, what is wrong with everything? Why are the others behaving so strangely towards him? Why don't they cuddle together anymore? Why is he not the first choice? Why are they turning their backs on him? WHY?

Hoseok couldn't understand them. He couldn't understand himself.

It wasn’t Hoseok's fault. But he thought it was his.

Days passed, and now this was his life, feeling left out. Today was no different day. They ate breakfast together and then drove to the studio. When they got there, they immediately started warming up. Namjoon and Taehyung were in a corner, Yoongi and Jin were also together, Jimin and Hoseok were in a corner, and Jungkook went to the bathroom.

"And do you have any plans today?" Hoseok asked as he took a lunge. Jimin followed him and answered without thinking too much, "No, not really. What about you?" "Me neither." Jimin laughed a little, and shortly after, something occurred to him. "Would you like to watch a movie with me!" he shouted so that everyone in the room could hear. Hoseok, however, was not very enthusiastic about it and answered quietly "No, I don't really feel like it, but we could—" The dancer couldn't finish his sentence as he  was interrupted by Jungkook.  "I want to watch too! What are we watching? Spiderman!" he said excitedly and couldn't wait any longer. "Sure. You can watch with us anytime if you want, Hyung." Hoseok just smiled.

Soon, the dance teacher came into the room. "Okay, everyone, warmed up!" And so the many hours of dance practice began. 

After practice, they went home, everyone was exhausted, and when they arrived at the dorm, the maknaes were arguing about who should go to the shower first. "If you keep arguing like that, none of you will get to use the shower, so sort it out," Yoongi said and couldn't help laughing.

Hoseok went to his room after he had showered. He lay down on his bed and closed his eyes. "What's wrong with me, I used to love watching movies with the maknaes. I'm getting worse at dancing, too. I have to try harder and not be lazy. " A tear left Hoseok's eyes but didn't make  any noise. The tears were just silently leaving his eyes.

"Why am I so lifeless? Why can't I enjoy life anymore? I don't know what to do." he said to himself and took another deep breath.

"I want to die... no, I'm going to die. I can't do this anymore."

Hoseok started to cry out loud. He quickly turned around and cried into the pillow so that the others couldn't hear him. "They don't deserve to feel bad because of ME," he thought to himself.