lover/fighter - Finnick Odair

Chapter 52 - 'Someday'

Rhea lies motionless in bed and stares at the ceiling. She has been awake for hours, listening to the cries of the seagulls, which sound as if they are laughing at someone. Presumably at her because she has been lying awake all morning without daring to leave the room or make even the slightest noise that would give away the fact that she is not asleep.

It is a mystery to her how she managed to fall asleep at all last night, and apparently quite quickly. She blames it on the emotional rollercoaster ride of the last day and the exhaustion it brought. Only for this reason has she been spared having to deal with the consequences of her newfound bravado until now.

She kissed him. Against all common sense, she kissed Finnick Odair, just like that. And just like that, he returned the kiss. Although, that's not actually comparable. Basically, her performance can hardly be considered a real kiss, certainly not compared to what he is capable of.

She knows that her level of experience is poor, to say the least. So far, not only has this not bothered her, she was even quite happy with it and had no desire to change anything about it. Now she suddenly realizes how far apart they are and that it might matter to her under certain circumstances.

It's not as if she's never been kissed before in her life, but she's definitely never been kissed like this. There's no point beating about the bush, Finnick really knows what he's doing, there's not the slightest doubt about that.

She'd like to blame it on the alcohol, but the truth is, unfortunately, her slight intoxication had almost completely worn off by the time they made their way home, even if her continued exuberance probably made it seem otherwise. She can't really explain the kind of trance she fell into, but it wasn't due to the alcohol, she knows that for sure.

She puts her arms over her face and moans softly. There's no point looking for an excuse, because there isn't one. She wanted this and she still wants it. If he hadn't interrupted the whole thing, she certainly wouldn't have either, and even now she can't think about anything other than how incredibly wonderful his kisses are.

The differences in their abilities are downright enormous. In the end, things went exactly as they always do, and she could do nothing but try to follow him the best she could, even if it was clear that she couldn't really keep up. She's a drag on him with everything, even with things like this, and has hardly anything to offer in return.

Damn it, what if he thought it was bad? All she can think about is how great he is, but how must it be the other way around? Does he think she's boring? Is he disappointed?

A seagull laughs spitefully on the balcony just outside her window. Rhea stares at it angrily. For some reason, the stupid bird reminds her of Donna. That annoys her even more.

She rolls around for the thousandth time and pulls the covers over her head. Disinterest wouldn't even be the worst thing, because far above everything else that could go wrong and ruin everything is still Finnick's exploitation by the Capitol. That too disappeared somewhere in the background yesterday, but now she can't help but worry. She wants to believe that him returning her displays of affection means that he wanted it just as much, but the idea that it could have been nothing more than reflex, habit, after having been taken advantage of by so many people in this way, scares her a lot.

Apart from that, she still knows nothing more about the whole thing, except what Linus has told her, who also stays away from such things as far as he can. She has no idea what experiences he has had with people in the Capitol so far and whether she hasn't even pushed him into a corner in a disgraceful way with her unexpected approach. After yesterday's eye-opening moment, she now realizes that there is far less of a clear border between her and "these people", to whom she has never felt she belonged but from whom she obviously cannot completely separate herself.