Vivre

Letter to the past and present

Letter to the past and present

It hurts. Knowing that I like you this much after merely two weeks. Longing for your presence when I don't even know what it's like. Here I am. Crying again. I thought I would have a break. Guess that was not on the program. I am so, so lost. I need reassurance. Not that I am gonna ask for it. Ever. I already ask for too much. I never did anything of everything I do with you, for anyone. One tear drop is sliding down my cheek. It tickles. Strangely. I wipe it away with my finger. I don't know what it's like anymore. Trusting someone so much you cry in front of them. Trusting someone so much you feel comfortable falling asleep on the phone. And feel the most joy waking up with them on the other side. Trusting someone so much you tell them every single one of your doubts. Without fear. Show them. Every bit of your soul. Because you know it is in good hands. Trusting someone so much. That you don't ever think they could hurt you. I don't know what it's like anymore. Trusting someone. The only being in my life who has this right, is the one who's been with me from the start. This girl I've known for eight years. Always there. In the brightest and darkest time. She, I know I can trust. I must also have a few friends I can trust. But do I tell them everything ? Certainly not.

Fuck you. It's been two years. Do you have nothing better to do than shadow over my life still ? No one else to scar for life ? Fuck you. I thought I was good. I thought I got better. I thought you were gone. So how ? How can you still be fucking there, still shattering my confidence. Still breaking apart my self-estime. I still apologize for everything you know. I still shut down to avoid conflict. I still fake laughs when jokes hurt me. I still struggle to stand my ground. And I still back down from the things I wanna try.

And I know. I know it is not fair to blame it all on you, because some part of me was already this way when you came into my life. But I was working on it. Those parts of me I didn't like I was set on fixing. Started working on it already as a matter of fact. Then you came along. And don't get me wrong. You were an amazing friendship. At first. Before I realize our friendship was more of a leash. For me at least. Fuck you. You ruined my ability to have any kind of relationship in high school. And now you must ruin this for me too ? Two years. TWO WHOLE FUCKING YEARS. THAT'S how long it took me to get back on track. To feel I was living for myself again. I started speaking my mind again. Standing my ground better. At least a little more.

And yet. Here I am. Sitting on my living room couch, with my face warmed up by tears that have been running down since the second line. Crying because I can't find the words to tell a guy that I like him a lot. Maybe too much already. Because yes, I know he's interested. At least a little. I think ? But why is it that I can't find the words to tell what it is that I want ? Did I fold too quickly ? I don't even know what I am writing anymore. But fuck. I am angry. I am so angry. I blame you. Because I start to trust someone, and here you are, in the back of my mind, whispering. « What if ? ». Over. And over. And over. Yeah ? Well what if I WANTED THIS TO STOP ? HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT THAT ? WHAT IF I WANTED TO LIVE ? WHAT IF I WANTED TO TRY ? What if ? What if I wanted to know the person I could have been without you ? What if, what if I could stop doubting myself for a second ? Doubting others ? What if I could actually have a genuine relationship with someone, without constantly thinking of the ways I could be hurt. Of the ways they could betray me ? Like you did ? What if, FOR ONCE, I wanted to throw caution to the wind and love ? What if I wanted to burn with love, genuine pure love ? Not your poisonous version of it. Not the kind that gets me keeping my guard up 24/7. All year long. It hasn't been down since you. My guard. Never completely. I can't, because what if ?

And I can lie to myself as much as I want, but NO I AM NOT BETTER. I can look myself in the eyes and say « It was a good lesson ». « Learnt a lot with this friendship ». « It was worth it in the end ». « I don't regret it ». Your poison is in my veins. Those are lies. All lies. Yes. Maybe some parts were good. But the damage ? Do I really not regret the damage ? At what cost did I learn ? Did it cost me my own sanity ? Maybe not. But it cost so much more on so much more time. I hate you. For the PAST TWO YEARS I kept repeating myself the opposite, that no, I didn't hate you, I just didn't care about you anymore. Lies. I hate you. Because I hate the person you've forced me to become. Maybe not all of it. I don't hate the parts that are me, without you written on them. But the parts you made ? Those I hate. Or maybe not hate, for I know the power of those words. You, I hate. The parts of me you may have destroyed ? No. But I don't like them.

I thought I was done writing about you. I didn't event want to write about you in the first place when I opened my computer. But I guess your shadow still lays around. I can't see straight anymore. Literally. Tears have blurred my vision since the first « fuck you ». That is ONE THING I won't EVER apologize for. You deserve every single one of those « fuck yous ». I haven't written about you in almost two years now. Well. Hadn't. Looks like I am back to square one.

Even though you'll never read this, know that you are not the factor that started the writing of this letter. You won't have that pleasure. I hadn't written in a year. At least. In five days, I probably wrote more than ever before. If you ever come across this text, you'll recognize yourself, but thank you. I don't know how long this will last, but you have enabled me to prove to myself I can still write. Just differently. So thank you for that.

And you, shadow of my past, I am DONE. You hear me ? Done. You're not. We both know that. You'll still be there, in a few years maybe, still shadowing over. But I WILL overcome your presence. That is not a hypothesis. It is a prophecy. No matter your influence. No matter my state of mind. I will overcome who I was forced to become. YOU will NOT matter anymore. Not now, not yet. But someday.

27/05/2024