Yesterday I cried myself to sleep but I think nobady noticed, so everything's alright. I'm home from school and I'm just sitting in my room. I want to apologize to nidal but I don't knowwww. I really, really want to apologize and I feel so bad, noting is going right right now and I have the feeling that everything is my fault. I am such a horrible sister how could I wish him an accident, that's terrible. I am so horrible I think when I wouldn't be here life would be so much better for many people. Cause nobody likes me except for my family except for nidal I think right now he is mad at me.i think I'm gonna go apologize to him now. So I'm making my way to his room but he is not there? I'm walking downstairs and I'm asking my dad where he is. "He is on his way to the farm around the corner" "is he walking or riding his scooter" "he is riding his scooter" " okay I'm gonna go after him bye dad" "yeah he just left, bye"
I'm kind of having a pit stomach feeling I think something is going really wrong and as I walked around the corner I had the shock of my life, there was nidal on his scooter getting hit by a car and flying over two cars, I immediately started crying and running toward him. As I was next to him he wasn't moving. Is he dead? I bent down and looked at him and I could see a bone from his leg. I was shaking and crying, I never cried so hard in my life, I called 911 and tried to explain and they made themselves on there way. I also called my mom and my dad and I think they called my siblings. My first thought was that I killed my brother cause I wished him a car accident and now he got one. I screamed that I love him and I just hope he heard that I said that I'm crying my eyes out screaming that I did not want that to happen. 911 arrived and they carried him into the ambulance. My family arrived and they all were crying. I can't handle it, I just saw my brother get hit by a car, but I think they are just in shock and because of that they are not asking if I am alright. We all drove into the hospital and found out that nidal is having a brain surgery and he are not sure if he is going to survive it. I am still crying my face probably is red and my eyes are fully puffy but I don't mind.
I'm going on the toilet, it is horrible if nidal is going to die then I haven't told him I love him and the last thing that I told him is that he is a terrible brother and that I hate him. It is all my fault I wished for him that he is getting a car accident. I'm grabbing my phone and I'm going on "noodle" I started texting him a thousand messages like
"Nidal I love you, that's not what I wanted I swear."
"I love you nidal"
"You are not a terrible brother, i love you nidal you mean the world to me"
"You actually are my favorite sibling, nidal I love you please stay'
"Nidal if your gonna leave, I'm gonna leave too"
"I love you so much"
"I would never admit how much I love you nidal"
"Please be alive"
"You are my second half nidal without you I am nothing. I am nothing'
"You mean so much to me nidal please never forget that"
"I love you"
"I am so sorry nidal I can't resist anymore I don't want you to have pain because of me so I'm gonna hurt myself I'm so sorry please nidal I love you so much your my everything"
And that's what I'm doing I'm taking my sharp blade out of my phone case and I am sliding down my pants there are my tights with scars all over them, I don't wanna do it but it's my fault that nidal is having pain and maybe dies. If he does I am gonna kill myself, because without him I can't live he is my second half. I pressing the blade into my tight and then slide it to the side. It hurts but I deserve it. I go on and I'm crying over nidal and the pain but more over nidal he is my twin, after 5 minutes I finally stop I have to or I'm away to long I'm taking a peek down at my legs and they are bleeding. The blood is dripping down to my knees. Shit and it hurts really bad, but I deserve it like nidal didn't deserve to get into this car crash I deserve to feel the pain of the wounds and the scars that these are gonna leave will always remind me of what of a bad person I am. He didn't deserve it I did I should be the one in the crash not he, I deserve it more. I'm gonna write one last message
"Nidal I love you so much on,y that you know that you mean the world to me and you don't deserve getting into the crash actually I deserve it cause I wished you the crash and I take the fault it is my fault and I'm so sorry you mean everything to me. I deserve to be the one in the crash you are pretty and you are famous and you are a flipper you know you have a reason to live and to be happy I don't I'm the opposite of you so I deserve it way more than you. I'm never gonna forgive myself for what I did, what I did was horrible I'm gonna pray for you like I never did before. And like I've said if you die I'm gonna kill me. I Love you nidal"
I put on my pants and put the blade back into my case and started walking back, everything hurt on my way back I started praying for nidal I beg for god to leave my brother on this planet he can take me if he wants but he should let him live he is to important to not live. When I'm coming into the room, neshan comes to me and asked me what took so long I said that I was just crying and praying he just nodded at that. A few hours of crying and praying later my mother came back into the room and said that nidal is gonna live but that he is in a coma and we do not know when he is gonna wake up. I was so happy that he is alive but he broke his leg his collarbone and they had to split his head open to get a chunk of blood out of it. I'm feeling so bad. I asked if I could stay at the hospital but they said I couldn't but I could come at 8 am and had to go at 7 pm.
So for the next few days I visited nidal and was there the whole day I would do that till he would wake up even if it would take weeks. I was holding his hand for the whole day and was praying. I wasn't eating well and I wasn't sleeping well so my family is really worried, but that's not what is important. What's important is that nidal gets better soon. I was at his bed sitting there praying and just looking at him when neshan tapped my shoulder. I turned around and looked at him , he got on my eye level and started talking "so Li what is up?" "What do you mean what is up, neshan my twin brother is in a coma and I don't know when I'm gonna be talking to him again you know what the last thing was that I said to him I said "nidal I hate you, you are a terrible brother" imagine what if he does not wake up and that was the last conversation we had?" "Li you can't think like that." "Obviously I can." "And neshan as much as I love you can you please leave me and nidal for ourselves for 2 minutes?" "Yes but Li don't do things that you are gonna regret." He said obviously looking at my tight. "No I'm not doing that neshan I've just been clean for 2 month and I'm proud." I lied him right in the face. "Okay Li I'm gonna believe you" he left and actually just wanted to cry. And that's what I did I cried and told nidal how much I missed him for the last 4 days. I love him.
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Word count: 1500
