The thoughts of a chronically ill teen

Growing up - A poem about emotional abuse

Growing up

I don't think my mother likes me

But I don't think she means to hate me

She just couldn't deal with the lack of forced control

That came with raising a child like me

As a kid

Forced to grow up quickly and provide

Take care of the family

Acting as the parent

While being the youngest

Getting yelled at for walking on eggshells around her

When it is her that placed them beneath my feet

As if on purpose

To have the opportunity

To try and silence me

To smother my strength

I can't fight back

And it enrages me

Having to bite my tongue around my mother

Until all I can taste

Is the blood that I swear she regrets giving me

Rather than caring about love,

I've dealt with it for 21 years

In order to preserve housing

Growing up

Being told to stand up for myself

But not with her

As a child

Weighing the importance

Of sticking up for myself

And holding my ground

Or a roof over my head

And some sense of stability

Then I remember

That the mother I got was caused from the life she had

When she was little

The trauma and pain

But I think she forgot

That I was little too

Mom

I wonder what I look like in your eyes

I wonder if you see the scars you etched into my bones

The words you imprinted in my mind

I wanted your love

But I couldn't continue spending years begging for it

Just to have my mouth sewn shut

Mom

I know you carry a world full of tears

Of unheard screams

But your pain is not mine to hold

Mom

I love you

But I cannot love you

To the point I no longer love myself