The thoughts of a chronically ill teen

Not from you, because of you - a poem

I was talking to my mother about my poetry

There are works that she can never read

Works that entail the parts of her that she hides

Only shows to me in private

Parts that I'm warned to keep in silence

Unaware to her is

Poetry is my safe space

For me

Poetry is processing

Coping

Surviving

I talk about my thoughts and fears

Hidden behind a smile on my face

Only allowing it to sprout into the words I write on the page

My poetry is the only way I can allow myself to say

I'm not okay

I read her a poem of mine

A piece about fear

The way it clings to my lungs

She tells me I get my poetry from her

I guess she's right

But not in the way she believes

I did not get my poetry from sharing her dna

I use poetry to cope with life

To cope with the screaming

And berating in my mind

That makes up every single second I am alive

The biggest thing plaguing my mind

Pulling on the strings of my life

Trying to make me silent

Is her

Mother

I have made myself smaller

Ignored my needs

Changed who I was

In hope of acceptance

And love

I would've been fine with a sliver

But it is something you were never even willing to offer

I use my poetry as a way to cope

A way to deal with everything you put me through

Everything I am because of you

So mother

You say I got writing poetry from you

I can't say that you're correct

But I also can't say that you're wrong

Because

I didn't get my poetry from you

I get my poetry because of you