I can't stop questioning myself. Nakamove on na nga ba ako from the past? Yes, maybe, No?
"Ah- L-love, I have questions for you." Kinakabahan na sabi ko.
"What is it?" -Jaie
...
She's a nice, caring and family oriented. Nasa kaniya na ang lahat, lahat ng mga hinahanap ng lalaki sa isang babae. Ang tanga ko lang siguro dahil pinalagpas ko yung taong ganon.
I just keep telling myself that there might be a reason why I chose not to choose her. Why did I let her go...
Hindi pa ako ready that time, sobrang layo ng age gap namin at feeling ko hindi ako makakasabay sa gugustuhin niya. Ayoko rin namang masira ang friendship namin. Saka marami na akong ginawang masakit sa kaniya, paano nalang kung naging kami pa? Sobra sobra ang maibigay ko sa kaniya? Maybe I'm not the one for her. She doesn't deserve me.
Eventually, tama lang pala, I made a right decision. I met Jaie, my girlfriend right now. She's like Aive, not at all. I don't know if this is a coincidence? But no. Maybe may ganon talagang tao na same same halos.
"Personality and life"
Same personality, religion, height, nose, skin color, family oriented, youngest in their family and how they treated me.
I'm questioning myself. Minahal ko lang ba si Jaie dahil nakikita ko si Aive sa kaniya? Or nakilala ko si Jaie just to correct all my mistakes in my past?
Alam kong mali. At hindi ko alam saan nanggagaling ang ganitong tanong sa isip ko.
May times na iniisip ko si Aive and I don't know why, hindi dapat pero bakit ganito? Bakit kailangan ko siyang maisip out of nowhere?
When I'm looking at Jaie, I remember Aive. All the memories with her, flashback in my mind.
Mali, maling mali. I'm hurting Jaie silently and secretly.
I'm a mess. I'm an asshole. I really do.
I really tried my best to confess to her, but I can't. Ayokong masira ang relationship namin. Marami na kaming pinagdaanan na problemang mabibigat, ayoko ng dagdagan pa dahil sa walang kwentang 'to. I want her, only Jaie.
But this seems wrong.
...
"What if you can't stop thinking about your ex? and those questions in your mind are 'Do I love my partner right now because of my ex?'."
"What do you mean?"
"Parang reincarnation. For example, minahal mo ako dahil nakikita mo sa akin ang ex mo?"
"Ang random mo, ah."
"Tama lang ba 'yon?"
"No. You are committing micro cheating. Why? Bakit kailangan mo pang mag mahal ng ibang taong katulad niya kung pwede namang siya nalang? If hindi pwede, then fight for her. Don't involve another person. Sobrang masakit para sa kaniya 'yon. Hindi niya alam na ganon nakikita mo sa kaniya. Parang you choose her to fulfill your needs, hindi sa kaniya and hindi para sainyo."
"I'm sorry." Hindi ko na napigilan ang umiyak sa harapan niya. Sobrang mali at sakit ng ginawa ko na 'to. Na kahit sarili ko man ay hindi ko mapapatawad.
Tinaas nya ang ulo ko. Ayoko siyang tumingin sa mata ko, sobrang naguguilty ako sa nagawa ko. Kasabay pa ng pagngiti niya. Mas lalong nakakapanghina. Alam kong sobrang nasaktan siya pero ganyan siya eh.
"Matagal ko nang alam. Nag stay ako, kasi kailangan mo pa ako, at mahal na mahal kita. I can't afford seeing you with her. Kaso anong magagawa ko kung siya pa rin ang mahal mo? Na kahit anong gawin ko, siya pa rin ang hinahanap at iniisip mo. I love you, and if you will tell right now that you are still in love with her. I'll let you go, for your happiness." Kita ko kung paano niya pilit pinipigilan ang luha niya.
"I love you so much. I want you, only you."
"But... that's not what your heart speaks."
I really do love her.
"Her birthday is coming. Why don't you greet her? or surprise her?" She said that in a calm voice and smiling.
...
"Happy birthday, Aive."
-Aki.
