Where the light survives (French-English)

Chapter 38

" Leah, can I keep a hairband, at least? Please." I ask, my eyes pleading as strands of hair fall before my eyes. I sigh in exasperation, removing them with my hand. " It's not like I am going to hurt myself with a hairband. "

She drops a barber kit on the table beside me before looking at me bewildered.

" You've become imaginative with stuff, Thomas. " she says, taking my chin in her hands before applying shaving foam on my face. I look at her, focused on her task.

" Don't look at me like that. You could find a way to hurt yourself with a hairband. " she says, I shake my head. She groans and keeps my face steady before shaving my beard.

She isn't that wrong. In the past three months, I've found ways to end it all. The guilt I'm bearing is sometimes too great. I don't regret killing Nick, but I do regret killing all those innocent people, I wish I could change the outcome. I wish I would have waited for him to go on errands or something and killed him there.

I was only listening to my rage. My desire for vengeance was stronger than any rational thoughts. Since I've been imprisoned, the guilt, the anger, the sadness are all mixing, making it hard to think of anything else. So, I've found ways to hurt myself.

At first, it was with kitchen utensils that were coming with my meals. One day they found me, blood dripping from my arm. I didn't lose much blood, so it was easy for Arthur to help me. Then, when I was no longer using kitchen utensils, I tried with everything – a broken glass, a belt, a razor. It was driving me mad. They were all looking at me like I was crazy, maybe I was... I am.

Finally, I decided that I will no longer eat and drink, I starved for a week. I could nearly see the end, but Daisy came, slapped me in the face, and spoke about Madeleine. How she never let the guilt be the end of her, she survived, she created her haven, our house, and lived peacefully, even though the guilt would never leave her side. And here I am, wanting to end it all because of my guilt and loneliness. If she were here, she would be so disappointed in me.

It's been two months since I stopped hurting myself. Leah, though she is so scared for me, no longer trusts me with this. I don't blame her; I wouldn't even trust myself anymore.

" Do you want me to cut your hair, then?" she suddenly asks, dragging me out of my thoughts.

"No, it's fine, but I just want a hairband." I reply, a smile hiding in the corner of my mouth. She notices it, then sighs before giving me one, I take it and immediately tie half of my hair in a bun.

I refuse to cut my hair because Madeleine was the last one to do it. Maybe I'll grow tired of them someday, but for now, it's fine.

"Come with me," Leah says, keeping the door of my arrest-house open. I furrow my brow in confusion. "It's been three months. We decided that you could come out now." I nod and follow her outside.

Winter is coming, bringing with it cold temperatures, snow, and slower Infected. The months during winter are the only ones we can enjoy a bit more, though we hope that Runners can also slow down.

There are a lot more of them now. One day in my prison, I heard shots. When they came to keep me updated, they said that there was a horde of Runners. Man, that must have been scary, they shot them all, and no one died, which I'm glad about. It's becoming harder to survive out there. Diego once said the mutated ones are becoming much smarter, being quiet to startle us, having things in their hands to attack us, and following us.

"Did Arthur replicate Madeleine's cure?" I ask, walking behind Leah, putting my arms around myself to keep warm. A mist comes out of her mouth when she replies.

"He's getting close, but without Madeleine's help, he is taking time." I nod mindlessly.

"I could help him." she turns around, her right eyebrow raised.