When golden turns into rust

Red

Note:OH MY GOD JM GETTING SO MANY READERS.Thank you so much :3!!!!Also I'm Sorry for these short chapters the post games chapters will be pretty random (if you don't count the the victory tour chapters) So yeah.Im pretty excited for writing angst though,also kinda scared because i need to write PTSD attacks and im doing research about it so i hope im writing them right?Correct me if im not!!!

I stroke the soft fabric of my bedsheets.Im sitting up in my bed as I try to remember what i used to do after i woke up from a nightmare.Finnick was always there to comfort me.Where is he now,though?He's still alive.He's here.

But why isn't he bursting into my room right now?I realize he's probably asleep.

I lay back down on the bed,trying to sleep again.But my mind is filled with images of the games.Every nightmare is about the games now.Not about going anymore.

Im lucky enough to have survived it but i wish i didn't.I know it sounds depressing and suicidal but really,i've went through too much and its too much to deal with.

I wonder who i am.Before i went into the games,i was a peaceful rich girl who didn't have that many friends but who knew who she was.Who she liked and what her life is and why she's here but now I don't know any of those things.I wonder if Finnick knows who i am.I don't think he does.Maybe he does know how i feel,though.

I close my eyes,because suddenly im thinking about Vickie and the kiss she gave me on my cheek a week ago.I should try to sleep because i have school tomorrow but its so scary.Its so so scary.Its my first day of school since i've won,but thats not the scary thing.I feel like facing my classmates will be hard,but facing Vickie is so scary i feel like throwing up.

There was one week free of school after i came home.I have seen Vickie after the kiss but only little glances and her calling me if im alright,but all those times i think about the kiss.She's my only friend.The only friend who is alive and not part of my family.

Are we romantic?No.We've never been.Sometimes we flirted as a joke but that was only to mock Finnick & Annie.

I push the feelings aside and focus on my games because really,finding out of ur friend likes you id not as important about the fact im going to school tomorrow again.And my games.Im flooded with memories of Dean and Ivy.The looks Dean's friends will be giving me makes my stomach turn.

I lay down on my side and close my eyes,allowing myself to fall asleep.

Im filled with dreams of me and Vickie in the arena,which is impossible because we're both girls. its also impossible to be with her because we're both girls.Right?No,i've met people who like all genders and one gender,also in the capitol,also in the games,and also in the districts.In my district,because i don't know anything about the other districts because theres little information about it.Its not really allowed for districts to communicate.

Anyway,in the dream im forced to kill her.I impale her with my sword,she kets out a scream and she falls to the ground as a cannon goes off.

I wake up again by a hand shaking my shoulder.I look up and see Finnick.

"Hey,its time to wake up,okay?You have school."
He says.I wonder if he noticed i was having a nightmare.

"Okay."
I say.I sit down and he leaves the room.I wonder if he knows how unbearable the first few days after the games are.He must.

Does this feeling ever end,though?
Or am i in a loopless cirlce
Without someone to guide me?
I think so,because theres no Dean in sight.

I sigh and hide my face in my hands.I fight back tears.I stand up,undress and quickly take a shower. Im covered in sweat.I haven't gotten that after a nightmare.I guess the nightmares about the games are the worst.