Crippled Inside

Chapter 8: The Greatest Book I've Ever Burned

It was 9:47 am, Yoko was making breakfast in the kitchen. Sean silently entered the kitchen and sat down at their kitchen table. She doesn't turn around to look at her son as her eyes are fixed on the rice and eggs she was making.

"How did you sleep?"

"Okay."

There was a pause but neither of them said anything for a moment. Sean glanced out the window to see lush green lawn and crisp green forest leaves swaying in the wind.

"I slept fine." Yoko stated.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you working today?"

"No, I took it off to be with you."

"Okay."

The last time Yoko took off work was a year ago when Sean was sick with the cold. He looked at his mother, her eyes squinted as she turned off the stove, moved the eggs and eggs to plates. The birds chirped almost incessantly as Yoko put the plates down on the table.

"Sean?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you like to go to the library?"

"Sure, the one by our old house?"

"No, the one here. We can get cards and read for a bit."

"Okay."

Sean eats his breakfast and mostly manages to ignore the look of anxious concern his Mom's face holds for him. He thought back to the night before, the way his mother kept repeating over and over again about how his father apparently "loved" him. He hadn't thought the whole ordeal was as concerning as his Mom apparently did. Sean glanced over at the cream colored phone hanging on the wall.

"Are you going to call him?"

"No."

"Are you upset?"

"No."

"It's okay to be upset."

"I know."

"Are you upset at me for not telling you?"

"No."

"I wouldn't," She paused for a moment. "I would understand if you were upset."

"Is this why Dad stopped talking to me?"

"Maybe, I don't know. Sometimes your Father does things that confuse me."

"Like what?"

"Like not talking to you or me. I know... I know your Dad loves you."

"How do you know that?"

"I just do."

"He doesn't act like he loves me."

Yoko sighs and looks at the phone.

"Sometimes two things can be true at the same time. Now finish eating and get dressed."

______

The library was smaller than the old one by their old house. It was half the size but spanned two stories with a balcony on the second with a railing that stretched from the floor to the ceiling of the balcony. When Sean asked about why the railing was this way Yoko didn't answer.

The non-fiction section had a table at the center of it with a sign saying "Summer read" in big bold letters. Sean glanced over the section and saw Never Cry Wolfe displayed next to the autobiography of Harry Truman. He stared at the blue cloth hardcover which looked almost identical to the one his father gave him except for the white sticker on its spine. He picked it up and opened to the front page to find a "Property of The New York State Public Library" stamped and a library card. Sean put it back down on the display stand.

He thought for a moment of calling his father and asking why he gave him the book, why it was without a note, what its purpose was. Maybe if he asked about it in the voicemail his father would pick up and if his father picked up maybe his parents would get back together and then maybe then everything would go back to normal. They could sit on the couch after dinner and watch tv.

Sean walked away from the display and into the children's section which consisted of 3 shelves and a few bean bag chairs. At the center was another summer reading display mainly full of children's books he was too old to read. He glanced over to see Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and thought of his Dad. Sean had fuzzy soft memories of his Dad reading the book to him in their old apartment sitting on the edge of his old bed reading to him. He remembered the way his Dad stated so clearly "this is my favorite book" and how Sean's attention was fixed on it as he read.

He opened to the first page and heard for a moment his Father read the words out loud. He closed it frightened by hearing his Father's voice in his head so clearly though he couldn't will the voice to say anything other than "Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do." He walked away quickly and sat at one of the chairs by the small meeting rooms. He stared at the rows upon rows of shelves.

Sean wondered when, if ever, would he understand what was happening. The Dad of his childhood felt nothing like the Father he currently had. The Dad who read him his favorite story was nothing like the Father who wouldn't return his calls. His Mom's insistence that both versions loved him was nothing short of a cruel joke played at Sean's expense.

"Did you hear about John Lennon and Paul McCartney? Apparently they're homosexuals now."

"What a waste."

Sean glanced around and saw two girls talking in the small meeting room. Sean got up and walked to the balcony but not before hearing one of the girls say:

"Do you think they have AIDS?"

Sean walked faster not wanting to hear the response to that question. He found his Mom reading on the balcony and he sat down next to her.

"Did you find something to check out?" She said as eyes did not move off the page of her book.

"No, can we go home now?"

"Sure, let me finish this chapter."