Crippled Inside

Chapter 10: You Know I'm Drowning In A Sea of Hatred

John's hands were wrapped tightly around the cup of tea and the living room was full of papers and books haphazardly lying on the floor and the tv played static that John watched from the kitchen. The memory of how it got to be in such a state replayed hazily in Lennon's mind. Paul walked into the kitchen and poured himself a cup of tea.

"Good Morning."

Paul turned to face John and saw the state of the living room and placed the cup on the table before going to the living room.

"What happened, John?"

"I was looking for something."

"What?"

"I was looking for Sean's birth certificate."

"What for? Did you find it?"

"No, I forgot I let Yoko have it."

"What did you need it for?"

John didn't respond and continued to watch the tv static from afar. Paul sighed and began to pick up the papers and books, putting them back on the shelf.

"When did you do this?"

"This morning."

"Do you want to help me clean up your mess?"

John says nothing but looks at the tv which Paul turns off. John does not stop staring at the tv even with the static gone. John continues to stay silent.

"For fucksake John! What's wrong with you? Why did you do this?"

"I'm fine I just needed to make sure that I was still on the birth certificate."

"What? John, why wouldn't you be on Sean's birth certificate?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'm no longer his-" John was cut off by the phone ringing and Paul went into the kitchen to pick it up. "Hello?" He turned around a sound later and mouthed out "It's Sean."

John wrote on a piece of paper and flashed it to Paul. "I'm not here."

"He's busy."

Paul continued to talk on the phone with Sean. John drank his tea and pretended not to listen to the conversation happening on the phone. John sipped on his tea without thinking and began to choke on it. He coughed loudly before muffling it and moving to his office. He sat down at his desk and finished coughing.

He glanced over at a photo of his son at 5 years old in a small red and yellow toy car. He picked up the photo and inspected it. He saw the background of their last apartment, the bright white walls that Yoko had to work hard to maintain and prevent Sean from destroying the pristine walls with his boundless toddler energy. Life was so much more simple back then, the biggest concern they had was keeping the walls white though that was an oversimplification and even John knew it.

The noise of Paul talking to Sean made its way to John's office but was too muffled to make out. His left hand gripped the photo tightly while the right reaches for the door handle John opens the door slightly only to separate the door and the frame by a crack, hoping to possibly overhear some news about his son but all he heard was Paul saying,

"Alright well, take care of yourself, kiddo."

A frown crossed his face and tears began to well in the corner of his eyes. Paul walked into the office and leaned against the door frame. John took a deep breath, put the photo on his desk, and looked at Paul.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. How's Sean?"

"He wants his Dad."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? You're his Dad."

"Well I'm not in New York anymore so he'll just have to manage."

"John, you know what I mean. Why don't you call him?"

Tears pricked the corners of his eyes but he took a deep breath and looked away from Paul back at his desk but away from Sean's photo.

"I can't do that."

"Yes you can! You absolutely can! He wants you to scratch that, he needs you too! For Christsake, John! If you heard that kid's voice you'd know he needs you to call him back!"

"He doesn't need it. It's better this way."

"You're being fucking ridiculous!"

"No I'm not, Paul! I've done enough damage to my own son. It's best if I just leave him alone."

"John, you haven't damaged your son! He needs you! He has been crying out for you for a month straight! If anything, not talking to him is doing so much more damage!"

"That's your opinion."

"It's not. Call your fucking son." Paul says before walking away leaving John alone in his office. John pulled out a piece of paper and began to frantically write.

Dear Sean,

I am sorry for ruining everything. I'm sorry for causing the divorce, the move, and whatever distress it's caused you. I never wanted to hurt you so that's why I decided to step back. If you knew what having me in your life would do to you, you would be happy with our current lack of communication. You were and are still the greatest thing I've ever made. I'm avoiding your calls to protect you from me because I know I'd find a way to destroy the only thing I've ever done right. The only way not to destroy you is to avoid you, when you're older and wiser you'll understand this. I love you. I think about you all the time. I often, very selfishly, want to call you. I miss you so much but this is for your safety. I love you. I miss you. Please stop calling.

With all the love in my heart,

Your Father

The letter was looked at briefly before John shoved it in the trash. He grabbed a cigarette, a lighter, and a beer before going outside. He came in 2 hours later and went up to the phone.

"Hello? Sean?"