𝗔𝗹𝗲𝘅𝗶𝘁𝗵𝘆𝗺𝗶𝗮 - TMR AU, Minho.

06 - 𝘋𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘳𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘶𝘨𝘭𝘺

A/N: I really apologize for this chapter, but I had to make one chapter where it's only about her feelings. No dialogue, no nothing, just her thoughts and actions.
This chapter contains self harm! If you struggle with it, please don't be afraid to talk to someone♡

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I get in the bathroom as soon as we get home and lock the door.

I look at the knife I took from the kitchen. I'm scared of knives, but now is not the time to be scared.

I need him to be disgusted by me and I'm willing to do whatever it takes, even if it means ruining my body.
It's already ruined anyway.
He ruined it.

First cut I made is slightly above my hips.
It's not deep enough. Will stay for months but then fade away.

My whole body felt numb. Maybe because I drank too much, or maybe I just got used to the pain.

I got up to look at myself in the mirror. My reflection was ugly, but that's what I wanted, right?
To be ugly.
So no one will ever put me through this hell again.

I cut my left thigh now.
No, not deep enough. It will fade away eventually.

Next cuts were deeper, maybe too deep, but as long as he wouldn't touch me, I could handle a few deep cuts.

I didn't pay much attention to the blood dripping on the bathroom floor. I stared at my reflection without any emotion and trailed the bloody knife around my face.

If I could, I would ruin my face. I would scratch off my whole face so no one would ever like me again.
No one would ever touch me again.

I do have two scars on my face, but it's not enough. I barely let anyone see it, but whoever saw it, told me that it was 'kinda cool.'

I didn't want it to be considered cool.
I want it to be considered ugly.

I wanted to ruin my shoulders, my thighs, my back.. every part of my body.
I didn't want to have even one spot which wasn't scarred, but I knew I couldn't do that.

I washed the knife, then mopped the floor.

I got into the shower, and I winced in pain. I wanted to let out a loud scream, but I couldn't.

I wish I could lay down in someone's hands, who would assure me that all this was just a dream.

That Minho never left, and I never met him.

I couldn't tell if I was crying or if it was just water running down my face, but what I knew was that the pain I felt was agonizing.

I'm not doing this to hurt myself.
I'm doing this so he won't hurt me. That's an important thing to remind myself, right?

I'm not doing this to hurt myself.
I don't like hurting myself.

I'm not gonna lie, this one was hard to write. That's why I made it short.

I hope it wasnt too disturbing. If it was, I'm really sorry.

Things will get way better for a while after one more chapter, I promise!))

Take care!!☆