N E I L'S P O V
There are days like this, where I wake up with a lot of guilt in my heart which I am not exactly sure off. And there are days where I wake up feeling the extreme level of hatred and anger towards her. Avni. My mind has been fucked up a lot. I would wake up everyday and she's in front of me, somedays I hate it and somedays I feel a strong pain as I remember her face.
Today was such a day.
I woke up to my daughter sleeping peacefully on my arms. Her soft snores were beautiful melodies that could calm me down. Just like her mother's. Neivi reminds me of Avni so much. I remember Bebe remarking, "If you think of Avni and looks at Neivi, you will feel like she has gone all over Avni. But if you think of Neil and looks at her, she looks exactly like him." She is a perfect mixture of us. But I never found her looking like me. Could it be because everytime I look at her, I think of Avni?
Neivi has her mother's hair, soft, dark yet dense. Avni's round doe eyes and my hazel orbs. But I feel like Avni is all around me whenever Neivi is near me. I hated that, honestly, but it also gave me a warm sensation, the feeling like I am home. There are another set of days where I wake upto Neivi and my heart instantly glows up. But then there are days where I wake upto Neivi and finds my heart heaving in pain. She's just a toddler, roughly three years old, she has lived her whole life with her mom, what if she is missing her mother? And what if I'm making a bad choice in her life?
I've been having these thoughts lately, ever since Papa had lashed off a few days back at me and mom. We were discussing on my sherwani for the wedding and Dad got really frustrated seeing the sight. Mom asked for his choice and it ultimately went to a rift between them. Dad yelled that he would not be a part of this wedding and Mom went on and on, and her conversation ended in Avni. She repeated it all over again, ''Tillu has to move on from Avni. Do you think that relationship could survive? Avni cannot keep him happy!''
''Could Neil ever keep her happy?'' His question left me bewildered. '' You know what Shweta, you haven't changed at all. You would never change. You're still the same Shweta who were hell behind on breaking their relationship in the beginning. I thought you had changed, but no. I know that you're a mother and you want your child's happiness. But you're a really selfish mother. You only thought about Neil that you forgot that Avni had always seen you as her mother. As a mother, you were to think of her too but no. You decided that Avni should go away from Neil's life to keep him happy, you decided that Neivi should stay here for his happiness. But what about Avni? Has anybody ever thought of her? For once? This relationship would have survived had you kept your anger away and talked with her calmly. I was proud of you for everything that you have done Neil. But not this. This family that she saw as hers had destroyed her. And I am ashamed that I am a part of it too, even unintentionally.'' As soon as those words left Dad's mouth, Mom cried and ran to her room. That was the last conversation I had with Dad. Neither of us initiated a conversation because Dad was too angry and I was afraid that whatever he said was true.
My conscience would sometimes bark at me, You did wrong with her! But I couldn't just accept the fact. She went away, hid herself and our daughter, left us here to cry a river of guilt. I couldn't just accept her after that. Why?
In a few days I'm getting married to Mitali and Avni is still not leaving my mind. Am I doing wrong with her? What happens after I got married? Avni is alone. I have Neivi with me. Would she be able handle it? A sudden fear crept through me. Would she do something wrong?
Thoughts like this make me want to see her and hug her and cry for a reason I don't know. Her eyes. The way she looked at me everytime I ousted her, the way she looked at me when she lost Neivi. That look, it crawled through me and dug a permanent place in my mind that would forever haunt me.
I am currently driving to Avni's. I have to talk about Neivi's health matters and also about the financial help. As per the law, I should help her since she's the one who's financially low. When the judge initiated this talk, Avni had opposed saying she doesn't want any financial help or whatsoever. She said she would live with whatever she has and she would not live if she has nothing but she would never ask for help.
That's just like her. Never asked for anything and never accepted anything anybody gave her.
Could Neil ever keep her happy? It suddenly rang in me and I shuddered. She was happy with me right? No. My conscience barked again. And suddenly, I saw a lot of flashes. Flashes of her getting humiliated and embarrassed by my family blaming her birth and character. I saw her struggling to fit in but never wanting to let me go. I saw the fear in her eyes whenever Juhi was with me, whenever Mishti played with me --- the insecurity. The threatens of Vidyut. Her painful days in the jail where she was heart both physically and mentally. Then loosing her Neela ma. I couldn't keep her happy. As I realised it, a lone tear left my eyes. She trusted me with her heart even after all those, did I break her trust?
Yes.
A long horn was heard. I feel the panic crawl through me as I shoot open my eyes and apply the breaks. I feel nothing anymore after I hit the ground roughly. I feel the liquid that's keeping me alive flow out uncontrollably through several parts of my body and I feel myself loosing slowly. Before I close my eyes, I saw Neivi, and Avni. They were my home and I broke my home.
I'm sorry Avni...
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How is it? Don't worry the story is just beginning. I'm writing a version of Neil's reality check here. Do drop you visions about this one to let me know if I should continue or not.
:)
