Veridis Quo

Chapter 1 - Awakening

Memories are what make us. If one were to take a person and erase all the experiences they've formed over the course of a lifetime, would they still be the same person? I think not. Welcome to my TED Talk-

I laughed, or had done the equivalent of without a mouth, or a face, or a head, or anything, really. God, what was this place? How many times have I asked that question? How many times have I asked that question? And that one, followed by that one and so on and so forth. A numerical series! This is what it felt like to be one, I think.

Where do I go from here? I thought. How many times have I repeated what has always been and never could be? I suppose going for another ride wouldn't hurt.

They said there would be side effects, but I never imagined they could be this severe. My name, my body, my past, my future, me, was all gone. Temporary was the key, I hoped. A state in which one loses their mortal coils and enters an impossible plane of existence, something that can never be proven. Why? You ask. You? Me? There is only this, nothing more, nothing less. Such terms were fluid, though not viscous like honey or shallow as a puddle.

Like. What did I like? Doo, da, di, da. Sounds of some or none. Why was this so difficult? What was I talking about? No! I lost it! Damn it! Damn. God? Here we go again. I want to stop. Thinking. Think. That is all I can do.

An idea. The present. Nothing. All around, inside, outside, behind, above, anywhere and nowhen, there was nothing. I was, I do, but I never will. Once this ends, I will remember nothing of it. A spur of clarity, but as quick as it came, it will fade away, that I know for certain. Hehe, come, what a funny word. Why is it so funny? I don't know, I just do as I think.

Oh, still clear? Thank you, allow me to further wipe the window. And I lost it, great- no, wait, I caught the balloon before it floated away. Every thought, every feeling, every scream and cry, none will be. The concept of time had long since become a curious subject, one that without a reference point was as useful as a golden pickaxe. Now, where did one come from? Symmetrical cubes. There's a twisted beauty in asymmetric patterns, a chaotic harmony.

Did I lose something? Probably, again, for the Nth time. Were I in the known reality, this would be called... insanity. Indeed, the repetition of an action and the expectation of a different result each round. I could think why it would be defined as such, but was it? I don't know.

What? Were I expecting a concrete answer? Ha! As if I had any, this is a circus without a clown! An empty, lonely, cold tent, its tattered flaps sailing with the whistle of the wind. However, what if there was an answer? And the answer was right there all along? I hope. Perhaps I'm too stupid to realize it or too drunk in this state of being. Which is better? Blissful ignorance or willing blindness?

A shiver. Neither were good, but if you ask me, knowing and not caring is worse than not knowing and not caring. Lots of negatives right there, why be so negative? Be positive! Be a proton! Bundle up with a bunch of neutrons! Become a star! No, a neutron star! A magnetar! Where did that come from? I don't remember these terms. Do I? I feel like I do.

I gasped. Gasped? It felt like it. I was feeling. It was something, something, something... different. Harsh, unpleasant but familiar. A plunge into a pool, a broken boiling vat, a sudden rain in summer.

I was cold. Another shiver; the body's response to low temperature, an attempt to warm itself. In addition, the cold wasn't exterior; it was interior as well. Drawing a deep, slow breath confirmed that.

A breath; the act of inhaling and exhaling air, the lungs turning oxygen into carbon dioxide. Carbon, oxygen, hydrogen, base elements to all life on Earth. Earth; the third planet from the Sun. Sun; the central object dominating the solar system, the source of heat, the giver of life. The Solar System; a collection of planets and countless other celestial objects that orbit a star in the Milky Way. Milky Way; the home galaxy of the solar system in which is the only known planet to harbor life. Life. Alive.