Secrets | 5SOS

[2]

The drive home from the hospital was silent. Calum gripped the steering wheel tightly, his knuckles white. I stared out the window, feeling the weight of the day pressing down on me. The city lights blurred as we sped past, a dizzying array of colors and shapes.

“Why do you do this, Isabella?” Calum’s voice broke the silence. He rarely called me IsaBella, so hearing it now made my chest tighten.

“Do what?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

“Fight. Get into trouble. Push us away,” he listed, his frustration evident.

“I don’t know,” I lied. I did know, but I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t let him see the darkness that still haunted me.

“You need to talk to someone,” he said, his tone softening. “This isn’t healthy.”

“I’m fine,” I insisted, though the tremor in my voice betrayed me.

We pulled into the driveway, and I quickly got out of the car, eager to escape the conversation. I headed straight to my room, closing the door behind me. I leaned against it, closing my eyes and trying to block out the memories.  Ignoring the guys' call for dinner, i got under the covers in my bed and went to sleep. But peaceful sleep came rarely.

"Please! I'm sorry!" I screamed trying to shield myself with my frail hands as my dad threw another punch.

"You're a disgusting brat, who will never amount to anything! Look at your brother and how much he's achieved, you can never be as good as him."

His words cut deep, and the punches he threw seemed to grow more and more intense. My mom just watched, throwing cruel words at me.

"Go to your room and don't come downstairs for dinner! You need to lose some weight anyways fatass."

I sat up in bed gasping, as the sweat and tears rolled down my body. Flashes of my parents’ anger, the nights I spent cowering in fear, the bruises that never seemed to fade – they all came rushing back. I hugged myself, feeling the old wounds ache anew. I couldn’t let the guys see this part of me. They wouldn’t understand. It was 4am and i decided against sleeping, the nightmares were just too much to bear.

Going into my bathroom i stared at my body, the bruises covered my torso. Why couldn't they just go away? Why was 2 weeks not enough for them to fade?
I stared at my wrists tempted to add to the collection of scars. They were not all self-inflicted, some were scars my mother had given me, telling me i deserved them.

Giving into the urge, i opened my jewellery box and took out my silver buddy, the blade. It was like all my stress had been taken away as i watched the red blood trickle down my wrists.

i didn't deserve all the love the guys gave to me. All i did to pay them back was fight, they get so disappointed when i do that. I should just give in to bullying, it'll maybe cause me less injuries.

"Bella, honey are you awake? It's time to get ready for school!"

"Y-Yeah, Coming down in a second Cal!"
I quickly wrapped up my arms in bandages and put on some jeans and an oversized hoodie running downstairs to the other guys.