𝐇𝐮𝐫𝐭 𝐌𝐞 ; 𝘉𝘺𝘭𝘦𝘳 ✓

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟏-𝟒 𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞.

I wrote this fic when I was thirteen or fourteen in between my 8th grade and 9th grade year of school. I have now graduated and in a few days will mark the four year anniversary of this fic that hasn't left the back of my mind since I wrote it.

If this ever got brought up in court I'd simply force them to lock me away for life.

I thought to celebrate the fourth year of its conception that I'd review this monstrosity and reflect on what I'd do differently. Starting with the first four chapters.

⚠️TW⚠️
Self Harm
Drug Abuse
Physical Abuse
Lonnie

CHAPTER ONE

Recap
The first chapter starts with Will helping Jonathan move by packing up all his stuff in the house and putting it in the car. With Jonathan aka his only source of protection being gone and Joyce being largely absent, Lonnie is his only sense of family, and it just makes Will feel more alone.

The next day is the first day of his sophomore year, which he's skeptical about because the year before was really bad but Dustin tries to comfort him about it. He goes to school and instantly gets bullied by the jocks which consist of Troy, James, Lucas and Mike. Mike seems apprehensive to the bullying unlike the other guys, it makes him stick out to Will.

Will asks Dustin about Mike when he comes over and learns of his name. Then, he goes home to Lonnie being drunk and asleep on the couch.

The chapter ends with Will examining his wounds from being abused by his dad and beat up on at school and blaming it all on his sexuality.

Analysis

I always prefer Byler fics where Will is the main protagonist over Mike. Will is such a missed opportunity in the show, his journey from being missing and presumed dead to being saved and having to go back to living normally again was something only really explored in season 2. And even then, he was used more as a plot device than a character. In writing a book where his perspective was the primary one, I attempted to right these wrongs.

I wish I would've explored Will's internalized homophobia a bit more. He treats his sexuality more as an embarrassment and a dirty secret more than something that has brought great grief to his life. You'd expect someone in his predicament to behave more like Troy, but explaining why he chooses to persevere through his pain despite his hardship could have further cemented their differences. Troy was originally supposed to be no more than an antithesis to Will. They both are essentially going through the same thing. They both have abusive fathers and absent mothers and are alone even with their respective friend groups. However, this reality causes Troy to become resentful and angry, while Will becomes more docile and anxious. Troy could learn from Will to be more gentle and find better outlets for his feelings and Will could learn to stand up for himself and not let people walk all over him.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Mike gets introduced in this as the only jock in the group who is uncomfortable with seeing Will being bullied. This leads Will to thinking he's a "good person" and wanting to be friends with him which is just extremely outlandish. Just because he was uncomfortable doesn't mean that he cared or that he was a good person. If he was really good he would've stepped in. He wouldn't have even been friends with them in the first place after this. I wish this perspective would've been brought up by Dustin at least. I was only able to somewhat get away with this sentiment because the chapter is from Will's point of view, and Will is characterized as easily being won over by the smallest of gestures (which is why he ends up dating Troy at one point). The lack of love he's given from people makes him accept below the bare minimum