Masks Always Fall

Chapter 36

*This chapter has a serious conversation, that some might find triggering*

The pencil felt leaden in my grip as I stared numbly at the blank page before me, Ms. Clarke's gentle reminders about our essay washing over me unheard. My mind spun endlessly through the same thoughts, replaying morning's confrontation on nauseating loop with no respite in sight.

Giving up the pretense, I shoved away futile scraps of looseleaf strewn with meaningless doodles, instead resting my aching head atop folded arms. Darkness and silence soothed where light and voices only aggravated raw wounds peeled back to their cruel beginnings once more.

How could any words hold meaning today when the only dialogue resounding was David's insidious justification twisting knives deeper where scars should have long since healed? I didn't deserve his cruel brand of "justice" - none of us did, least of all my child self who'd only ever tried navigating a world gone dangerously off-course.

A gentle hand alighted my back, and Ms. Clarke's soft query tried pulling me ashore. "Emma, are you okay?"

Ms. Clarke's soft question pried me from spiraling thoughts, her kind eyes regarding me with concern cutting deeper than mere pity ever could. Lifting my head took more energy than seemed reasonable, yet I forced numb mask to crack before her open concern.

"What if the only way to stop feeling pain," I heard myself asking, voiced robbed of all inflection, "is to stop feeling anything at all?"

Her widening eyes said she grasped implications far better than my vacant delivery ever could. Still, some buried part craved being truly seen, even if only confirming deepest doubts festering in isolation so long.

Ms. Clarke took my trembling hands gently between her warm grasp. "Emma, you're not talking about..." The thought itself seemed too terrible to voice, yet compassion saw past surface silence searing my core.

As Julianne voiced her implication, a visceral shudder wracked my numb frame. Through the hollow mask I shook my head vigorously. "No, I just... I don't know. Just forget it."

The words tumbled out rapid, more to convince myself than reassure her, her apprehension mirroring questions far more terrifying screaming endlessly in my mind's wasteland.

Before retreat took hold completely, warm arms encircled my shaking shoulders, anchoring frail boat to port amid merciless storm. Julianne pulled me close, whispers mingling with own panicked breaths in damp hair.

"Emma, please don't do anything stupid," she entreated, thumbs rubbing gentle circles against icy skin.

Ms. Clarke pulled back, keeping her hands on my shoulders as she looked me in the eyes. "You deserve the world," she said with such conviction it almost made me believe it could be true.

"The pain and sorrow you're feeling will pass. You can't let them take over, Emma." Her words brought a small sense of hope, though their truth seemed impossible in that moment.

I sighed, wiping my cheeks dry as I reached up to touch the necklace from Grandma that always gave me comfort when I was little. Her love was one of the few things that got me through the hard times. I wanted so badly to believe Julianne, that someday this dark cloud will lift.

But the ache inside ran too deep, memories of past hurts and uncertainty about my future making it difficult to have faith.

Julianne touched the necklace gently with a small smile. "Is that new?" she asked.

I shook my head, finding brief comfort in sharing this small part of myself. "No, it was my grandma's before she died. She was the only one who..." I trailed off, old pain resurfacing.