Shades Of Thirteen

A Try I

I failed to commit suicide. I was breathing but was not alive. Maa, D and Gauri had helped me a lot to get back to normal life. I was feeling an unknown pain with hell lot of emptiness that was eating my energies, my confidence, my happiness and overall me.
Gauri was not with me that whole day as she was not feeling well.

I had never imagined that my pains (given by Amit) were not enough, God is planning for something more for me. I didn't even realise that after few days one more heartbreaking shock was waiting for me,

I remember clearly it was a night of full moon and in every full moon my granny used to do puja and Satyanarayan katha. We used to attend all puja path at Lamba Bari. That night too, Me, Maa & D were returning home by walking slowly after attending the puja, when we entered in the narrow lane of our house, from little far I have seen that, in front of our gate there was a big crowd and we heard people were crying loudly, we were not able to understand the actual situation and I asked Maa what happened? She was also not sure and said May be some fights are going on in someone's family, family issues. She said you go and give the Prasad to Gauri and come back home, me and Preet are going home.
I went inside with the prasad what I brought for Gauri. But I saw Gauri was sleeping in the middle of the floor, wearing that purple dress (what I gave her earlier). I called her twice, thrice, shook her but she didn't reply. And every one of her family was holding me and was crying more loudly. I was still not sure why she is lying on the floor and why are they crying for?

Quickly, I thought she is not well & may be her parents scolded her after knowing mine & Amit relationship and that's why she is acting of getting fainted. I whispered in her ears Gauri stop the drama, I will accept all my faults to your parents, you will be safe, come on wake up now.

I still had no idea that she will not reply neither she will wake up with my call. By then Gauri's mother shook me and screamed loudly 'Naina your best friend is no more, Gauri is no more' I sat on the floor and still was shaking her body, calling her, Me: Gauri, wake up.
No reply from Gauri.
Me: Enough Gauri, stop it now, wake up.
No response from Gauri.
Me: Gauri now you're irritating everyone, can't you see everyone is taking it too seriously and they're crying dude, just stop this drama.
Gauri was still sleeping, unmoved.
Me: Gauri, wake up (Louder I ever had on her)

By then Maa and D came and they hold me saying Naina, Gauri is no more. I said she is making all of you fool, she is making fun of us to see how we react, she will wake up now see, again I screamed wake up Gauri (shaking her hand) but all were saying let's go & they were carrying her on their shoulders, I was just trying to hold her and was not ready to leave her, they forcefully snatched her from me and I was just completely blank what all was happening. I was not feeling to cry and was screaming at everyone saying where you are taking my friend? why are you taking her on shoulders when she is sleeping? I was begging her mom saying don't take Gauri from me aunty, she was crying more loud holding me. I was still trying my best holding Gauri tight that, no one can take her away from me. But my small force was not enough to hold her, they took her away forever. They even forget that they're carrying a 13-year-old child, they should be more polite with her, finally they took her from me, and I was not matured enough then, to understand that they're taking her away to burn her body. It took long for me to understand that she will never come back to me. I took a corner and started thinking ever about Gauri,
Gauri was a skinny baby with super dark complexion from birth but never had any demand for food, clothes, extremely good in studies, she never demanded for any luxury or anything that her elder sister does (she was just opposite of Gauri in terms of look and fascinations, she will eat this, she will wear that and their parents always to serve the best on her plate as she was fair, beautiful) Gauri never used to get good food or clothes until we're providing those to her, at her own place she everyday used to eat 'Pantabhat' (a rice bowl with water & some raw chillies and onions) She never said NO to anything, her all demands, wishes are with me. She used to love my clothes, eat at our house. I was asking (silently inside my mind) what diseases she had & from how long that I didn't realize, what happened to her that suddenly one day she is no more, what pain she was going through that I didn't see and all the time with her pains she wanted to console me? What did just happen to her that she died. She didn't see me, didn't say anything before leaving me, she didn't even fight or hugged me, she didn't eat the Prasad I bought, just wearing one of my dress she slept forever?? My brain cells were not able to answer any of my questions. I was feeling numb and senseless, I couldn't succeed being the only close person of her life when she needed me, how couldn't I realize that she is in pain and physically not well, I was that busy with my mental breakdown but the person who always supported me throughout my bad time, I didn't do anything for her, these thoughts were killing me, I had started cursing myself almost for everything.

Slowly I became just like a living dead. I had just lost my first love and the only best friend I have she's also gone; I was not able to accept so much at a go. I was neither crying nor sleeping, just waiting for both of them to come back once to me forever.
I was under treatment for some time to get out of this trauma. After 18 days I cried for her. And now when I am typing these all, still my eyes are wet after 25 years. I started believing that God had given me all the love & happiness & within a week/month and then he snatched all of them away from me.
 
And then after few days D had her second break-up with Ansh Bhaiya & she was also very depressed with their breakup, so we both sisters had stopped spending time with each other. We were just living a life without any smile, any hope left or anymore love, the time was like surrounded by pain only, financial crisis & Papa with his old habits and what not.

Ansh Bhaiya's family was not allowing this relationship because we are upper caste so D can't be their future daughter-in-law. Life was those days miserable, first me and then D, both went to the same monster attack called 'caste system' and no emotion or any feelings can exist in front that monster. I left my dance classes too in middle. Maa was the only person may be managing all nicely.

She was dumb but she was a good Mom.

I didn't know that I have already entered in the mistake zone of my life. I was continuingly deteriorating with health, studies & mind. I was not able to come out from these two losses of life; one was Gauri the one and only friend and another one was Amit, the first love of my life. I have had tried hard to solve this Bad Maths problem given by life, but I couldn't. Why Gauri gone forever? Why Amit left me? These two unsolved questions were haunting me everywhere. I just did not understand that only because I didn't go for a day outing with him, he left me? Or I didn't allow him to kiss & touch, that's why he left me? Or my family can't give dowry to him for marriage so he left? Or he didn't love me ever? Then I realised all my questions were my answers actually.

All of the above are the answer. In this state of mind, I continued going to school, tuitions (Not Amit), LambaBari & all normal routine I was following without showing anything to anyone. Those days D was also staying a bit upset.
In all of these chaos that guy, Boby was trying hard to impress her. Papa was out of anything; he had no idea by what his both daughters were going through. Then suddenly one day one of my classmates came to me with a small token type of letter, it was written,
"Meet me at school canteen corner, after the final bell".
I asked my friend, who gave her this? She smiled & gone. I didn't take that note so seriously and threw, I was about to leave school after the last bell, while crossing canteen someone held my hand & pulled me inside canteen. He was a super black, fatty, Nigerian look boy wearing my school Uniform.
Me: What are you doing?
       Who are you?
       Why have you pulled me this way?
       What will teachers think if they saw this?
Boy: Hi, My name is Priyam
Me: Whatever your name is, why have you pulled my hand this way? Who are you?
Boy: I told you my name is Priyam. I am sorry I have to pull you, because I called you twice, but you didn't hear so I pulled your hand, sorry for that. I really have to say something super urgent, if not today, I can't say it any day again.
Me: But what?
Priyam: I have sent a letter to you by Jaya, your classmate, did you get that?
Me: Letter? Oh, you mean that token? Yeah, I got that, so?
Priyam: Naina from last six months we are taking biology coaching tuitions together but, you never noticed or talked to me, I tried few times, but you never even looked at me.
Me: So?
Priyam: I saw you first day when you came wearing a red and white flower printed frock, your hair was blowing in air & you were managing them after every minute, you were whistling a song riding your cycle, my time has stopped there. I only saw beautiful angelic girls on TV, but you were real, means you are still real, my eyes just glued on you.
Me: (I wish I can slap him) Can you please come to the point, what do you want from me, notes?
Priyam: No.no, I am already reading your written notes only.
Me: What? My notes? How come you got my notes?
Priyam:  You remember I missed few classes & one lady came to you for your notebook because your handwriting was good?
Me: Yes, I gave my notebook to that aunty, but how did you know that?
Priyam: That lady is my mom. I have only told her to collect your notebook because you are the only student in the entire batch that has beautiful writing & you don't miss a single point to note down (with subjective drawings) & more important getting your notebooks was my intention.
Me: Bro are you sick? What you get from the Xerox copy of my notebook?
Priyam: Your presence. I love you, Naina. I really love you; I have tried to tell this, from last six months but didn't have courage. Today after a lot of try, I gathered my guts.
Me: I am really not getting anything what all you are saying, see whatever is your name, I am bit disturbed from last few days, so I don't think I can help you on anything. Please let me go.
Priyam: I know you are not well; I am observing you from past few days, your concentration, health all is deteriorating that is the main reason of my worries. What happened to you?
Me: See dear please don't disturb me, I am not in a mood of this bullshits called Love or anything. (I wish I could tell him, bro you are asking me to re do the same mistake calling falling in love with someone just when I am going through my first break-up. I wish I could punch his face.)
Priyam: One last thing I only can say to you Naina, that I truly love you & I don't want to disturb you, am not from that upbringing nor a filthy guy who intends to disturb any girl. I just want to say, please focus on your health & studies and please wait for me, one day I will come to your family with my parents to ask the permission to marry you. And also, I promise I will come only after I will be eligible for you. After getting a good job with a good position when your parents and you both can't say NO to me. Please wait for me, I will come soon Naina.
Me: You done? Shall I go?
Priyam: Just tell your answer once before you leave! You don't know how your reply will motivate me for next three years of my college that to out from Agartala and home. Please I am waiting for answers.
Me: My answer is I don't know you, nor want to know you. Even I don't want to remember that we met today. Coz I can't & I will not love you or anyone else in my life. I am just done with this word called LOVE, so Mr. Priyam, Goodbye.