𝔟𝔦𝔱𝔢 𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔬 𝔪𝔢

un-clean.

i haven't come into contact with anybody for the past 8 hours, it's now 6 pm. i haven't bothered to eat, as i just feel sickened to the core about what i saw just today. i keep rethinking, did i really see that? that can't be real.

even though i've only seen it in a time frame of about 10 minutes, maybe even 5... it's fucked me up and i probably won't be able to go back to my normal self for at least a week.

 i always take naps after classes end, have a little gossip session with eva, then just sit and watch movies. but now, i can't even close my eyes - yet i can't keep them open.

what if i'm the next person on their sickening menu?

i may seem soft, but also imagining bill and gustav just drinking the blood out of a rabbit makes me feel negative emotions i have never once felt before. 

just to add insult to injury, eva hasn't even texted me as she always does. she hasn't even seen my, 'good morning' text. i get that she's sick, but she's also on her phone 24/7 so it's basically impossible that she hasn't seen my message.
i groan to myself, and put my hand on my forehead, feeling how hot it is from all of the thoughts running through my mind.

'why did i have to be there...' i grumble to myself, 'why couldn't i just have kept my nosy ass out of it.' i blame myself for this, i refuse to believe that this whole ordeal is real. it's only been about what, a month since vampires have ratted out and it's instantly crumbled my whole mind down.
'gosh.' i whisper in a way only i can hear, 'i can't believe they'd do that...' i sigh, letting some of my words out of my mind, since my mind is just way too full. i eventually stand up, feeling my legs tremble in numbness. i haven't stood up in about 3 hours, i've just been hunched over zoning out at my tv. i grab onto my kitchen counter for support, groaning in frustration.

as i try to get my appetite up by looking at random pictures of desserts on the internet, an immediate realization crosses my mind. i realize, i have to work with bill and tom for a project in one of my classes... i haven't had that class in forever - so my timetable's going to be flooded with that specific class.

i can't hold back my anger, so i hiss and kick something, 'fuck!' i yell out. my body tenses up as i throw myself against the fridge, my phone clenched in my hand. i slowly start to slide down, rubbing my eyes.
i don't know why i'm crying, but it's probably out of fear. gosh, why am i getting so unlucky lately? i wonder if they know that i know since they basically find out everything, somehow.

i haven't picked up my book that i was researching in, but i've already locked in my topic about researching vampires and i can't change it.
i groan, picking myself up with an expression on my face that displays i'm going to do something i'm going to be disappointed in later and hate myself for. i grab a marker from the side of the fridge, flicking across my calendar. 

i write on a little square box, 'broke my streak.'  i'm disappointed in myself as i put the marker back into the little slot it was previously in.

'so much for being clean...' i grumble, as i grab the pack of cigarettes that was collecting dust from the top of my fridge. hopefully smoking a pack will make me calm down. i've never been big on smoking, until i tried it under evelyn's influence and i got addicted ever since.

i got 3 months clean, but today just ruined my streak. i grab a lighter, and open my window. i shake up the cigarette pack, then i open it - grabbing one out. as i'm about to light it up, i decide to myself i don't wanna get in trouble for smoking inside the dorm plus i don't want to stink it up full of smoke.

i sneak outside my dorm, the sunset at it's peak. the orange and red from the sky perfectly mix into each other, creating the perfect reflection on the windows. i have my hoodie and shorts on, my cigarette pack dug into my pockets along with my lighter.

i start to walk along the long sidewalk, lighting my cigarette up as i slowly trail along the path. i have an uneasy feeling right as the school leaves my vision, but i brush the feeling off and decide to walk further. i mean, i have my pack of cigarettes, and it's a sunset with the perfect warm to cold weather ratio... so this is no time to overthink about possibly being followed.

although, as i get farther - i can't seem to ignore the sense that someone is watching me, or even worse - following me. i look behind me as a sign of caution, and i pull my pocket knife out of my pocket. i exhale the puff of smoke i built up, creating a warm sensation of relief to spread against my body. but to my surprise, guess who i spot? gustav.

normally, i'd be smart enough to not approach a guy that drinks rabbit blood. but, he seems like he's the most mature and even the nicest out of the other 3 little creeps.

before i can stop myself, i find myself pacing towards him. he seems to be just leaning up against a wall, one of his feet resting on the wall.

'hey, hey!' i call out towards him. he then turns his head to face me, but he's surprisingly not shocked. it's more like he's been expecting this? i don't notice though, as i focus on wanting to talk to him for some weird reason.

i ask him, 'what are you doing out here all alone?' i'm completely unaware that i sound like a drunk woman talking to a lost puppy, 'where's your friends?'

he sighs, then takes a deep breath in, 'they're busy. they went out.' he doesn't even take time to question why i'm talking to him right now which oddly makes me warm up to him a little bit. even though i wasn't smoking weed or anything, i feel stoned.

 i feel like nothing matters right now and to just be chill and have fun. is this how hippies feel 24/7?

'oh, really? you must be sad here all alone.' i have a bit of a playful undertone in my voice.
he replies, 'no actually. the sunset is pretty relaxing.'
'okay then...' i cough a bit, stomping my cigarette on the ground and he doesn't seem to mind. i continue to speak, 'so wait... you haven't answered my question. what are you doing here?'
'i'm just relaxing, nothing special actually.'

he has his hands in his pockets. he's wearing a tanktop, and long green shorts. to be honest, gustav looks pretty attractive like this. as much as i despised the 4, i got a weird warm feeling whenever i was around any of them.
well, more like whenever i was around bill or gustav. i haven't gotten the feeling around tom or georg yet, because they're bitches. or at least - acting like them.

i don't think straight, i can't think straight. i lean beside gustav, onto the wall. my mouth opens, and i can't control myself as to what i'm about to say...

'so, vampires, huh?'