Letters of Loath

R: Love songs

I'm so stupid. He's got a girlfriend. I should have known. I knew he was an ass but I let him charm me into opening up to him. I can't believe I danced with him. He's just a rich idiot with no damn feelings. My mind is so jumbled I can't tell the difference between the floor and the ceiling.

The blonde girl had her arms crossed tightly over her and was staring directly at Elio as she screamed at him. I kept looking between them, trying to process it as I felt tears build up in my eyes. I couldn't deal with all the shouting and confusion. I couldn't deal with all of the eyes watching us. I stared at Elio, desperate for an explanation, desperate for him to tell me it was all a misunderstanding, desperate for him to grab my hand and pull me out off the crowded room. He just stood there, guilt plastering his face. I couldn't take it anymore. I spun on my heel and ran, pushing myself through the thick crowd I felt tears start to trickle loosely down my face. I burst out of the front door and ran. I didn't know where I was going. Somewhere. Nowhere. Everywhere.

I hated this dumb city, I hated this stupid school, and most of all I hated Elio.

I ran until the streets were familiar and I knew my way. As I walked through the town I looked into the lit up windows. The houses around me were small, but they felt more like home than Matteo's house ever had. They reminded me of mum and our little cottage in Toronto. I watched as families played board games, ate dinner and watched tv - all of them huddled together on a small sofa. The smiles and the laughter shared between them made me feel more alone than ever. I remember me and mum doing things like that, I remember how happy we were. We didn't need anyone else, we had each other. I stop at the last window, there's girl - maybe 6 or 7- curled up in her mother's arms, fast asleep by the looks of it. The TV is paused and the mother is stroking the girls hair, staring lovingly at her peaceful face. I watch for a while, and when I finally come back to my senses I realise there are streams of tears pouring down my icy cheeks. 

Goosebumps cover my arms and I realise how cold I am, covered only by a tiny dress. I carry on walking, finally arriving at the house, and I'm greeted by Nico waiting worriedly on the front steps. I wipe away my tears and head towards him.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah." There's a silence.
"How did you get home?" 
"Walked." I feel a shiver run up my back and Nico leads me inside, telling me to go take a warm shower. He can be kind when he's worried.

Sunday passed quicker than I would have liked. I spent most of it by the pool or in my room. Dinner was quiet, but that wasn't anything new. I felt slightly numb, I couldn't work out why there was a constant knot in my throat. I dreaded the rumours and whispers that were sure to travel quickly around school tomorrow and debated faking sick. Although it would only postpone the inevitable. 

I woke up late the next day and barely made it out of the door on time. I had decided that I was done with Elio and all of his friends, I would avoid them at all costs. They were just trouble that I couldn't afford to deal with right now. I entered the school with my head low, desperate to be invisible. It felt like my first day all over again.

We got letters back in our English lesson. Mine was quite nice, I guessed it was a guy from the scribbles and wonky letters. He seemed kind though. I replied with another letter.

Hello again,
Mine is green too, cool coincidence. I think it's the prettiest colour in the world. My birthday is the 15th of March, I've always wanted a summer birthday like yours, they just seem so much more fun. Does your birthday mean you're 17 or 18? My studies are going decently well seeing as it is the start of the year, what about yours? School can be fun at times but is sometimes just a little bit much, how do you find it? If you are talking about Marcy's party then I did go. It was definitely fun at first but did not go so well at the end of the evening. How did you find it?