Indifferent

Tulips

Varun's POV

I was a coward. A proper, certified coward at that.

I had mustered up the courage to apologize to and speak with her during breakfast. Decided upon what I would be speaking and how I would make her understand things from my perspective. Simply because she just did not know why I reacted the way I did. And no matter what's the status of our relationship, I mean, no matter how unclear we are on those fronts, she lived in that penthouse, and it was necessary for me to communicate things.

As it is, we both were left hungry yesterday after my outburst. Neither did she leave her room to eat anything, nor was I left with any appetite. And which is why I cooked more breakfast for us today - more than what we eat each day. Egg and cheese sandwiches, I have noticed she likes them a lot.

When she met my eyes after I knocked on her door, I felt a sharp pang in my heart. It was very evident that she had cried her heart out. Her entire face was all puffy and swollen. She quickly averted her eyes, and moved to the dining space.

And as I had expected, after a quick 'thank you', there was not even a single word uttered at the table. Which made me realize the normalcy her talks and questions had created in between us. I never understood how those words of hers, those long sentences at times, those glances she stole, those hearty appreciations for my food, and her sweet smiles - how they had started becoming my new normal. And the silence which was deafening earlier had started becoming less loud and bearable in her presence.

But it returned today. Her smile had been stolen, and silence prevailed. In all of this, I was thankful for just one thing - her appetite. She ate well, and that's what mattered to me the most.

I have seen the ugliest face of hunger in my life, the one which crawls up your body and takes control over every other thought, every other sense and possess you like nothing else. It is this hunger which makes me respect even the last bit of food, and feel grateful for it.

Everything asides, the moral of the story is, I could not apologize to her. I just could not muster up that courage.

'You coward.'

There comes the taunt from within. Not that I don't deserve it.

And here I am now, two tabs simultaneously opened in front of me in Google - 'how to apologize to someone you have hurt' and 'how to apologize if you have hurt your wife'.

It felt foreign, having to type those words for the latter. Especially the 'wife' part. I kind of got confused for a moment, then wondered if that was the right thing to type, and then got flustered for another moment. Just a little bit.

I was a married man, wasn't I?

Anyway, these two searches did seem good enough, the basic gist was to take accountability for what I had done - which I am going to, and respecting and acknowledging that they have been hurt and to apologize sincerely.

Further search on the 'wife' tab landed me on some site which suggested to do some cute romantic things as an apology - send her cute little notes, hug her.

Oh my god - I was quick to close the tab. Not that I wanted to be perceived as a shy newly wed bride, but hug her? Seriously? I have never hugged anyone or been hugged by anyone in my entire life. How do people even do this 'hug' thingy?

I wonder if the people who have birthed me would have hugged me at least for one before giving me away.

I wonder how that must have felt - to be hugged by parents?

A baby feeling its mother's warmth, the cocoon of its father's warmth for the first time.

Would she hug me? Deepika?