Resist: To Love is To Suffer

Chapter Six

Today was a Saturday, specifically, my 19th birthday. And today also marked six weeks since my shy girl had kept to herself. When I was awake, I could force myself to remember her, to recount the small curves of her body and the soft angles of her face. When I was awake, I could push Naomi into the deepest recesses of my mind. I could ignore the way her features flashes through my mind at random. I could distract myself from the echoes of her voice bouncing around in my head. It didn't matter what I did, as she found ways to infiltrate everything.

I'd spent nearly all my time either outside or in the gym just to avoid the siren call of my bed, which had grown so loud I'd taken to crashing on one of the couches each night. I would not go back to that dark place. I would not succumb to my own thoughts, not again. I had spent too much time sorting through the chaos in my mind to flip the desk and send everything flying again.

When I'd woken up this morning, some of my first thoughts were of my 18th birthday and the pool party Killian hosted to celebrate. It had been the first time I'd seen Naomi in a swim suit. She'd worn a pale yellow bikini under this barely there lace cover up that dusted the tops of her thighs. Four girls had become notches on my bedpost throughout that party, a shameful personal record, but there was no fucking her out of my head. Every time I saw her for weeks afterward, I only saw that damn bikini. I couldn't be in the same room with her for more than a couple minutes before having to excuse myself to choke Richard and the twins. I hadn't thought of that bikini, at least in my waking hours, in months. It took the first four miles of my morning run to push the image from my head, and another twelve to mentally prepare for my day. Because history liked to repeat itself, and after two months of abstaining from my greatest vice, I had another pool party to attend at her house.

I stood at my bedroom mirror, still wet from a shower, and took the first good look at myself in weeks. I ran my hands through the beard apathy had encouraged me to grow, and for a moment I felt my shy girl's tiny hand instead. I ran a hand down to my chest, fingers tracing through the hair across my pecs, desperate to feel her there, too. But the moment passed, and I was once again alone and watching my reflection feel himself up. I shook the building shame from my head, water flying from hair that I'd continued to put off cutting, and watched a firm glare appear in my reflection. Fuck that guy.

It was after noon by the time I got to Killian's house, and I was officially late to my own party. Loud music blared from somewhere behind the house and the smell of grilled meat hung in the air, both smacking me the second I got out of my car. As I walked around the outside of the house, I regretted the decision to come. I didn't want to be here. I didn't want to force my token shit-eating grin and come up with the witty little remarks that my friends had grown to expect. I didn't want to get day drunk and enjoy myself and forget that I was trying to make myself a better person.

Climbing the deck, I was greeted by Killian's howl of a welcome. He jumped up from his seat, an open beer in both hands, and ran toward me. He threw a heavy arm over my shoulder, spilling one of the drinks down my chest as he watched it splash to the floor with a laugh, "Ah shit, birthday boy got all wet!"

"Get off me, Ky. How long have you been drinking?"

"Long enough. It's a mandatory part of grilling. Come on," he unwound himself from my shoulders and walked back to his seat. I removed my wet shirt and followed him. Glancing around the back yard, I was surprised and relieved not to see anyone else had arrived. His voice pulled my attention back toward him, "You want a drink?"

"Nah. Pre-season starts in a couple weeks." I looked back over the yard again, a nagging feeling that I might not come back here hitting me. I'd spent half my life kicking a ball in this backyard with the drunk fuck behind me. We'd spent hundreds of hours on this deck getting crossfaded and smashing all the food in sight. We'd had more heart to heart conversations than I'd ever admit to, especially after what happened with Ky a couple years ago. "Where is everyone? I thought you said you were throwing a party."

"The boys have been here since last night. You should have come over, you know. It's was weird to pre-game for a birthday party without the guest of honor."

I forced a laugh and dropped into the seat beside him. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything.

"I don't know if I like this version of you. I almost miss your sad boy bullshit phase. He would at least have a beer with me."

"You just want an excuse to get me sweaty in the woods again. Fuckin pervert." Unlike last time, the laugh was genuine.

"Well fuck me for wanting to actually get some quality time before you abandon me! This summer has sucked. What the fuck happened to you, bro?"

Oh nothing, I just realized I'm in love with your mom. Everyone wants their best friend as a step-dad, right? "Nothing happened to me. I'm just stressed about college. And Riley has been a mindfuck, but she's not talking to me so I'm just stuck feeling shitty about everything."

"You love her?"

No. She's a distraction. She's an outlet for the obsessive fantasies about your fucking Ma. "I don't know, maybe. There's something there, but we can't stop hurting each other to figure out what it is."

'"I think you do. You've never kept anyone around long enough to get hurt before. But what do I know!" He slammed back the rest of a bottle and climbed to his feet before wandering back to the grill. "You want to go poke the bears? Lunch in almost done."

I kicked off my slides before walking into the house, the shoes already getting sticky from the beer bath I'd received. The second I looked up, I saw her. Draped in a flowy white dress, hair pulled up to show the gentle curve of her neck, lost in conversation with Reyna as they tidied up the kitchen. My heart stopped for a few long moments until Naomi's electrifying gaze brought me back to sinus rhythm.

I didn't notice as Rey approached me, not until I felt one of her tiny hands land a feeble little punch to my stomach. I looked down at her, battling between the annoyance of getting hit and the the ridiculous sight of her trying to do some damage.

"You'll get 18 more before you leave. I like your big age birthdays. Means more punches!"

She tried to walk away, but I dragged her into a bear hug, wrapping my arms tighter the louder she shrieked. "Hey Ma, she can swim, right?" I watched for Naomi's nod before lifting Rey off the ground, her legs kicking as she screamed to be put down. "Hit me again and I'm throwing you in the pool, kiddo." I turned toward the back door again, and her screaming reached an ear-piercing level. I dropped her to her feet and laughed as she ran off, cursing me and earning a scolding from her mother.

I started off after her, but was stopped in my tracks at the sound of Naomi's voice, her words tickling my brain and sending a shudder through my body. "Happy birthday, Valentino."

I couldn't look at her, and the minute my legs started working again, I left the kitchen. My head swarmed with all the other things I wanted to hear slip from those lush lips, with all the other sounds I wanted to drag out of her while worshipping at her feet. Heat instantly pooled in my stomach and the need to touch her, kiss her, love her, overwhelmed all my senses. Fuck. FUCK.