Seasons in Life

xi. everything has changed.

Present time

It's inscrutable how I can't fathom that I dwelled so much in the past that I wasn't aware of how there's been a distinct change where I am right now. From the life I have right now than before, the things I can now afford that I couldn't in the last five years.

Even after all the pain I endured all these years—all the disappointments, the nasty remarks, the pressure, the expectations, the challenges, and the times I wanted to give up—I surpassed it and it made me who I am today—something I wouldn't want to change.

Changes are frightening because taking a risk is inevitable but it would make sense at the end of every decision.

I glance around, the clothes and my suitcase circling me as I prepare my things needed when I visit my parents in the next twenty-four hours and I need to make sure I've got everything I possibly want for my fourteen-hour flight tomorrow.

My phone rang, and I immediately grabbed it, thinking it was Bridget calling but the caller ID name was Ivan and it made me feel like I was twenty, packing my things to leave my country. I answered his call, and neither of us uttered a word.

"I hope you're saying goodbye before leaving." Ivan breaks the silence after ten seconds of silence. I can hear the pain in his voice. I may not see his reaction but I know he's hurting. "I went to your office to visit you before I go to work. I just want to see you, even for a bit and Bridget informed me you were on leave today because you're preparing for your flight tomorrow."

"I do plan to say goodbye to you, Ivan," I admitted. "I'm actually supposed to call you tomorrow when I arrive at the airport."

"That's it?" Ivan scoffed. "I get a call. And then what? I would wonder when you will text and call me again. I would wait every single second for you to contact me, and next thing I knew, I wouldn't be seeing you after seven years."

"Ivan," I softly called him. My heart is melting from his sudden words. "I'm not leaving for good; I'll be back, I promise. I'll come back and if you want, you can come with me to the airport tomorrow with Bridget."

"You promise you'll come back?" His words awed me; he feels like a kid promising his dad to come back after work to play with him.

"I promise, Ivan."

"You mean it?"

"I do," I said. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"See you tomorrow, Liv."

We ended the call and it made me realize that seven years ago I didn't give Ivan a proper goodbye and now I'm giving him one. So much has changed but I know deep in my heart that Ivan is still my constant wherever I go; my adoration for him has never left.

I place the jacket Ivan gave me on my suitcase; I might need it when I seek his comfort. Everything has changed but his favorite jacket never ceases to give me comfort. On the days I thought my room looked better in dim lights, I could write down my feelings, clipping the dried roses he gave and letting the mosaic of words welcome me home.

One thing that I missed the most when everything changed was my love for writing. I haven't written a proper poem since I lost my muse, my Ivan. 

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MAR SPEAKS

The end of the winter season. Its a very short chapter. 

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